Metadissertating: Comprehensives and Dissertations

In my continuing fascination with this whole dissertation writing process, I've been thinking about the PhD process in general as well. Although the dissertation has taken a long time to draft, it's been a valuable experience, which made me realize how frustrating some of the other parts of the whole process have been.

I'm specifically thinking of the comprehensive exams process. The way that my department has it structured, we have one year after coursework to write the comps. Of course before you can write the comps, you have to read all the things on your list. The thing that gets me about my department is that it also requires you to create the list before you can begin to read it.

When I was doing the comps, they weren't too stringent about the one year rule. They've gotten much more militant about keeping people to the limit lately , and I have to say, I'm just glad that I did my comps when I did, or I would've been screwed. It took me a year and a half before I finished writing mine, and I feel like I busted my ass to get them done in time.

I honestly don't think I could've come up with the reading lists for three areas and read everything on those lists in a year. I don't mean that I wasn't willing to do so, or thought it was too much work. Obviously, I undertook the work needed to complete those lists and read them all. But I cannot imagine how I could've done it in a year. I just can't imagine it.

I have done this whole PhD the hard way though. I came into the program thinking I would study one primary area and one secondary area. After the first year, I was told that neither area was feasible (even though on the books, both would've been). So I really had to kind of start all over again to figure out what area(s) I wanted to specialize in. So even by the end of my coursework, I had no idea what I really wanted to do.

I think if I had known from the start and been able to stick with my plan, perhaps the comprehensives wouldn't have been such a huge pile of work. I know some of my colleagues have started thinking about them in the second year of coursework and started working on their lists. I suppose that's the thing that a person would have to do in order to take the comps in a year. That, or designate one of your areas based on your Master's thesis (which is another thing I didn't do - I was a little disillusioned with it at the time).

I understand the rationale behind having students create their own list is to become 'experts' in a field - actually three fields - but to have to discover what makes one an expert by having to create those lists in the first place seems a trifle unfair. I do find myself wondering whether an informal network of existing lists will crop up in an effort by student to stick within the one year limitation. I know I've shared my lists with people who have asked. I hope others do too.

But what has become even more apparent to me since then is how much more valuable the dissertation has been to creating expertise than the comps ever were. The comps were great because I've now read a whole bunch of stuff. But I don't feel they gave me an expertise in any of it. That came with the dissertation.

The dissertation (understandably) has forced me to become an expert in the topic. Which of course means I've read a lot of books. And I would say that 80% of those books were not in my comprehensives lists (and 95% of the important ones were not). So in essence, the dissertation reading was like it's own kind of comprehensive reading list.

But just as much as the dissertation had me reading things in a particular area, it also taught me HOW to write up all that work. There's a monumental difference between writing a series of seminar papers, and writing the dissertation. I would suspect that even for people who strung together seminar papers for their dissertation, that a considerable amount of effort went into making it all hang together. That's the tricky part - to see the whole in its entirety, not just the little snippets of scholarship that the seminar paper, article, or (even shorter) conference paper require.

What I suppose I'm saying is that if I was asked to design a PhD program, I would change the way the comprehensive exams and the dissertation were structured so that the comprehensives were less critical and the dissertation more so. Perhaps my experience is unusual and others have felt the comprehensives to be more - or as - useful as the dissertation. But for me, they're just a huge storehouse of work I've read. They help me understand other people's projects far more than they helped me understand my own. Until I'm part of that big academic party that tt-faculty represent, I don't know how much good that big storehouse actually is...

Post conference downer

There's something extremely exciting and satisfying about conferences that seems to evaporate when you return to everyday life.

A week of warm weather, stimulating conversation, fabulous seafood and lots of new ideas was replaced this morning with an early commute, teaching, a huge stack of marking, snow (!), and a seemingly endless list of unattended emails.

Welcome back to reality!

Happy blogversary!

Six years of blogging. That's actually quite a long time when you think about it. And yet, I'm still working on the degree that I was when I started, so maybe it's not so long... !

I really hope I finish it before the next blogversary!

There have been several times that I've thought about abandoning the blog over those years, but I keep coming back to it, even after extended absences. I haven't quite figured out why. I suspect a large part of it is because I know there are readers who follow even when they don't comment, and I guess I want to stay in touch with the people I know and care about. Sometimes it's just a great place to try out an idea. To those of you who have suffered through those - kudos to you!

I have found the occasional germ of a blog post emerging in my work either for conferences or for the dissertation. I also think that combined with the non-academic clients I write for in the elearning job, the blog has helped me better understand the different kinds of writing that different audiences require. Being more aware of audience has translated back to the dissertation as well, so that's a benefit of the blog.

But mostly it's my readers. Thanks for hanging in there through the droughts and the dullness to keep coming back for more. You're the primary reason why this blog exists, and I thank you!

Doing my work for me

Once I crawled out from the mountain of grading and online work this last week, I started fretting about the conference paper I'm to deliver next week.

The argument in the paper has to be supported by sufficient plot description so that the argument makes sense, but because part of the argument about Fido is that the visual effects of the film create the actual argument, it also requires a lot of scene description.

Anyone who has written a conference paper knows how hard it is to make an argument in twenty minutes. It's even harder when you have to spend some of that time describing the source on which the argument is based.

So in my frustration with trying to put this together, I distracted myself by reading through the conference program online.

The meet and greet for the area that is sponsoring my panel always shows a movie on the first night.

Guess which movie they're showing this year?

Awesome!

Turning back the clock

Yesterday, I helped my oldest daughter move back into our house.

I'll let you think about that one for a moment. I know I did when she first proposed it.

The rationale is that a temporary retreat to home will help her save some money for school. I can't argue with such a desire. After all, I'd like to see her return to school as well.

The part that I find myself wondering about is the changing family dynamics. When she moved out, they changed, so I imagine the same will happen moving back in. But I also wonder how she'll manage going from independence to a house full of people she's used to being in a more dependent relationship with.

It doesn't help that she's literally in a dependent situation because she's hobbling around on crutches after a sprained ankle on the weekend.

She's a smart cookie. We all are for that matter. So we'll readjust. But it will be a little odd for a while I'm sure.

I will be happy to see her more often though!

If you can't sound good...

Conference flight is one week away and the paper needs to be presented a couple more days after that.  Which means I need to prepare.

So what did I do today?

Went shopping.  Gotta look good after all...!

Actually I lucked out at my (new) favorite clothing retailer.  I found several items on the clearance rack that were then discounted an additional 50%.  A pair of jeans, 3 pairs of pants, a skirt, sweater, two shirts, cami and belt came to just over $80 with the tax.

How cool is that?

What's even better than nice new clothes, are nice new clothes that fit much better than some of the old stuff I am still hanging on to.  Although my weight hasn't changed much, my body shape has (shifting the plump around, I guess?!), so I've been finding some of my clothes less comfortable than in the past.

So I'll be rockin a couple of new outfits without having broken the bank.  I like that.

Metadissertating: Product and Process

Having finished a full draft of the dissertation, I've started thinking a lot more about the process of getting to this point.

I've been contemplating the relationship between process and product.

To earn the PhD, I need to finish the product - the dissertation. Doing so demonstrates competency and the earns me the title of Doctor of Philosophy.

Of course getting to the point of writing a dissertation means that you've jumped through several other hoops. In my program those consisted of:

• a set of preliminary comprehensive exams
• two language tests
• two years worth of coursework
• the comprehensive exam process
• approval of a dissertation prospectus

When you write it all down, it really does seem like the dissertation is just one small thing at the end of that list. But as anyone who has ever attempted to write one knows, "small" rarely seems the appropriate word for the undertaking.

The difference between the way the dissertation looks as just one of a list of tasks to complete, and the experience of writing it is a nice way of distinguishing between product and process. The product - the dissertation - is just one of many tasks to complete, but the process of creating it - the research and writing - is a major, no, the major, task of the PhD.

Particularly as I start to figure out where to begin my editing, I'm realizing that the person/writer/scholar I was when I began the project is a very different person from who I am now. When I look at that first chapter, I can see how much more mature and developed my thinking on the topic is compared to when I began. (I suppose if I looked at early drafts of the prospectus, the difference would be even more apparent. Though it might also be a bit embarassing to see how rough and simplistic my thoughts were then.)

The process of producing the dissertation, while not really counting for anything in the end, is what actually makes the final product worthwhile. If I had not spent the last three and a half years (okay, I'm fudging a bit...) working with the same topics, the same texts, the same material, I would not have been able to produce the dissertation that I have (in draft form anyway).

And I haven't gotten there yet. All the process to this point will mean nothing if I cannot finish editing and defend my work. If I walked away now (not likely!), I would be someone with a M.A. The work over the last seven years would count for nothing, at least as far as my cv and the world are concerned.

I have a good friend who has expressed the opinion that all the effort should count for something - that I've "worked hard". I won't deny I've worked hard. Sometimes I think I've worked harder than others in my position, but that's only because I'm a little thick at times and have to do things wrong before I see the right way! But just working hard doesn't count. My committee doesn't care about what my life has been like while writing this; they just care about what I've produced.

And after all, I need to practice what I preach. I tell my students it doesn't matter how many hours they worked on a writing task, or how much harder it was than anything else they've been working on. If they don't do it, they don't do it. Doesn't matter how hard you work. If you can't produce what's needed, then it's pretty much the same as if you didn't do it at all.

I won't be PhD till the product is acceptable. No matter how many hours I've put in, it won't count until I get those signatures of approval and file that bundle of paper with the university library. The process of creating that product has been a valuable and necessary process. But it won't count for a hill of beans in the real world unless it amounts to a finished product.

The dissertation is a strange interrelationship between the process and the product. You really can't have one without the other!

RBOC: Haven't blogged in a while version

Those of my readers who work in post-secondary institutions know the peculiar kind of intensity that arises around this point in the semester. If you don't, take it from me, from mid-March on, the students tend to get a little frazzled, as do the instructors!

• Been busy this week holding extra office hours for students before handing in their second draft of the mondo-report they're doing this term. I was surprised by how many of them got the date or time wrong. Have they not heard about daytimers? Or is that too old-fashioned?!
• Also wrapped up final content development on our latest project. Completing two full elearning programs from scratch in three months is definitely too fast. There were a lot of places where I felt rushed, and although I think we still turned out a useful product that the client will be happy with, there were things I would've done differently had we the usual time frame to work in.
• The above two bullets mean I now have to work through the weekend to even hope of catching up. All those second drafts need marking, and I have a conference paper to deliver in less than 10 days which needs to be more than the notes it currently is!
• The conference paper is on the movie Fido, which I've blogged about before. Yes, it's a zombie flick. But the fact that the zombies are zombies is incidental to the plot - they could be represented by another class of "people". In fact, this is what my argument will be - that zombies replace other oppressed classes in the alternative history within the film. The fact that they are zombies emphasizes their sub/un-human nature, which clearly demonstrates how oppressed classes are dehumanized.
• Or something like that. Like I said, it's just notes right now!
  
• I'm getting pretty tired of winter. March here has been characterized by one or two 'teaser' spring days followed by blasts of winter. Our road hasn't actually ever gotten clear of the snow. The ice/snow begins to melt, then just as it's about to disappear, it snows again. I'm really hoping April is more springlike!
• Even if April isn't nicer, I can't complain that I get to escape to a much warmer city for that upcoming conference. And I'll get to see two grad school friends who I haven't seen in a long time (since the last conference!), as well as all my usual conference-related friends. The paper line-up looks pretty interesting too!
  

There's some other stuff going on, but I'm having difficulty working through it because I have conflicting emotions about it. You'll also notice there's no mention of the dissertation. Not that it isn't on my mind, but now that I've finished drafting, I'm not sure where I want to start with editing. I also don't feel guilty about taking a bit of a break - I've earned it. Perhaps a reward is in order too?... hmmmm.

Getting more cynical? Or just smarter?

There is a general truism that people become more cynical the older they get. This bit of common wisdom seems to make sense to us because it seems rational to think that the older you get, the more disappointments you suffer, the more experienced you become. These disappointments would then add up to make one more cynical about those experiences.

William Blake did oppose Innocence to Experience after all.

This month, in the course of preparing some material for one of our elearning clients, I had the opportunity to take a form of the Myers-Briggs personality type test. The test gauges people along four dimensions:

introvert - extrovert
iNtuition - sensing
thinking - feeling
judging - perceiving

The first division is self-evident. The second, the difference between intuition and sensing represents the way that the person receives information. Those who score on the intuition range, tend to accept abstract or theoretical information, and tend to focus on how the information might be used in the future while those on the sensing end want to see concrete results and tend to be more focused on the present.






Thinking and feeling describe decision-making functions. Obviously thinking personalities rationalize decisions while those who score on the feeling end base decisions more often on emotion.

Judging and perceiving are a kind of meta-comment on the particular combination of the other three variables. What it does is define the strength of relation between the other three variables.

About a decade ago I took the Myers-Briggs type test and scored as INTJ. This shouldn't surprise anyone who knows me. But when I took the test this month, I scored as ISTJ. Now the 'S' percentage was low, which meant that I barely fit into the category. But the fact that my personality had shifted at all is fascinating.

I attribute the change to one of two things:
1) I have gotten more cynical and less future oriented (perhaps less optimistic/idealistic about the future?) over the last decade.
2) The ten years of continuing post-secondary studies led me to overthink the questions, giving an incorrect picture of my personality.

Either possibility is interesting. Either way, things have changed in my life, and I've obviously integrated those things into my life, including the way I take these kinds of silly tests!

Two milestones

The snow made it easy to stay home and do the work I'd planned for today. I didn't even miss my workout since the snow shovelling took a good hour and a half!

Although I slightly misjudged the numbers, so that my dissertation meter reads 98% instead of 100%, I have finished the draft of the final chapter! Yay for me!

There's much editing to do of course, and one of the things that you come to realize after several years of working on a single project is the stuff you wrote two years ago no longer matches to the stuff you've just been writing. But the good news is that the whole structure has been laid out. Now I just have to make it look pretty!

Oh, and apparently this is my 1000th post. So cool on that milestone too!

Bad timing

The subject line on the email from my local grocery store read:

Who says you can't BBQ in March?

Ummm, the view out my window this morning?

Lunch in the stairwell

Today I found myself feeling overworked while sitting in my office and decided that I needed to get out of it. So I took my lunch and started looking for a different place to eat it. I thought of going to the faculty club, but along the way, noticed a seat built into one of the large stairwells near the library.

So I sat in the stairwell to eat lunch.

Perhaps it's a bit strange to put seating arrangements in a stairwell, but that's the way it is. I picked a spot in a large stairwell with a seating nook that faced out so that I could see the traffic on both the first and second floor. Since the stairwell was L-shaped and at the corner of two hallways, so I could see a lot of people as they went by.

As I sat there, I began to think about the space I was sitting in. Stairwells are really just nether spaces. When you think of a stairwell, you don't think of a space to spend time in. It's a space that you move through. After all, when was the last time you stopped and sat in a stairwell?

Watching everyone go by, the liminality of the stairwell was reinforced by the way in which everyone moved. Everyone seemed very intent on navigating their way through the space, and certainly, no one else stopped. The stairwell was just a place to move through.

Space fascinates me. I don't mean the outer space kind. I mean the way that the people and spaces interact. I find space so interesting that I proposed an independent study on space during my coursework and ended up with a reading list that was about three times as long as the standard graduate course. There were over 20 books and another 20 articles and films, which meant that I read far more than anyone who might have taken a more standard course. But what it did was instill in me a continuing fascination with space.

The layout of a space affects how people feel about it and move through it. I've lived in old spaces that depress me, and small spaces that frustrate me, and beautiful spaces that inspire me (not so many of those last ones, but the older I get, the better I'm able to find those comfortable or beautiful spaces).

Spaces also are created by the people who move through them. Michel deCerteau talks about how pathways through a city for example, are actually created by the people using them. This happens regardless of their original design. Space is a construction that is created by the way in which people actually use those spaces.

People also make spaces work for them, even if the space isn't ideal. If you live in any place where more than a handful of people have come together to live in proximity, you've found spaces that don't work the same way that they were obviously designed. Some spaces make me wonder what the architect was thinking - they just seem awkward, like ill-fitting clothes. At the same time, people take those kind of awkward spaces and adapt them for uses that suit their purposes, regardless of what the architect may have desired.

Despite my reminisces and letting my mind wander through the implications of space, lunch was over too quickly. I returned to my corner of a shared office without a window...

Class scheduling and classroom dynamics

Our campus is rapidly growing, which means we have growing pains. Even though our department is housed in a brand new building (it wasn't there when I left this city six years ago), we're being squeezed for space.

The squeeze makes itself felt in scheduling. I've had difficulty getting a lab classroom for the one day this term we need lab access, and we were told last week that there will be more 8am class slots in the future. Which got me thinking about my early morning classes and how they've been fundamentally different from my afternoon classes this year.

For the last two terms, I've had a morning section and an afternoon section of the same class, and I'm finding it a bit eerie how the dynamics of each classroom have unfolded.

In the first meeting of the semester, both semesters, my morning classes seemed like they were filled with excited, engaged students. Right from the first couple of days, students seemed interested in asking engaged questions about the content, and not at all shy about talking to each other.

Meanwhile, in both semesters, the first meeting with the afternoon class was filled with questions about grading policies and whether I accepted late papers, as well as asking how harsh a grader I was, and how much work they could expect.

In each semester, I found myself worn out by the drilling I got the first day from the afternoon class, but energized and excited about the morning class. For the record, I'm not a morning person, so I would think that the morning class would be more exhausting just because I'm not as alert, wouldn't it?

Over the term, each class seemed to morph though. The afternoon class settled down, got to work, and started producing good work, while the morning class started slacking off, and attendance dropped rapidly. Now, I can understand the low attendance for the 8am morning class, but last semester, my morning class didn't start till 10am, so one would think that the early start wouldn't necessarily be the problem.

Of course I recognize that each classroom's dynamics is going to be different and that it would be foolish of me to expect that each class will come together in the same way as another. So I don't expect each classroom dynamic to look the same and I work hard at making sure I don't let what happens in the early class colour the responses I expect from the second class. I don't expect the class discussions to go at all the same (except for the points that I know I'm going to work in), but I am nonetheless baffled by the collective behaviour difference between the morning and afternoon sections in each of these terms.

The most challenging part has been planning daily activities. I know if the activities I undertake in the morning class take up all of the class period that I will be pressed for time fitting all of it into the afternoon class because they ask far more questions and contribute far more to class discussions. Part of this is sheer numbers - although both classes have the same enrollment, there are at least 40% more students attending every afternoon class.

But it's leaving me with a dilemma. Either I let the morning class go a little early every day and keep the afternoon class for the full time, or I keep the morning class for the full time and go overtime in the afternoon class (or rush through material - don't know which is worse). I suppose the other option is to tailor what we do to each class, but that doesn't seem right because I would have to have "more" activities for the morning class. Besides, that would require maybe not two preps, but at least one and a half. Work I don't really feel I have time to undertake.

The symmetry between my afternoon classes both semesters and my morning classes both semesters is the oddest thing though. I realize it may just be coincidence, and I've never seen this before in my teaching, but it has me wondering (and now I'm wondering aloud blog-style).

Today I did the second Q&A of the semester. This is where I pass out a cue card and require each student to write an anonymous question (or questions) about the class that I then answer. It's not as intimidating as it sounds, since a lot of students seem to ask the same question everytime I do this. Today's afternoon class got personal though, and wanted to know about my education, family, and "what I thought of this class" The first two were easy, but the last one was a bit odd. I wasn't sure what they wanted, though I expect the question writer secretly wanted to be told the class was wonderful.

But I didn't feel that would be honest to say that.

This is the class that practically mutinied when no one got an A on the first assignment, which certainly did not endear me to them, and the fact that one of the questions was less of a question than a challenge: "I work hard so why can't I get an A in this class?" didn't help dispose me to telling them they were wonderful.

I did tell them that I like teaching this particular kind of class because the work they do is relevant to real life and I know they'll use the skills they develop in the class. And I did tell them that I have enjoyed reading the drafts of their research papers because they have all found different, interesting things to write about. But I stopped short of telling them that I like them as a class.

It's not that I don't like them. Now that they've settled down to work and we've lost some of the slackers after the final withdrawal date, they are a likeable group. But I don't think they need to hear that from me. I said I liked their work. But that's all I said. I couldn't quite bring myself to say I liked them.

I don't know. Maybe I sold them short? What would happen to the class dynamics if I said they were a great group? Would they think they had me in their pocket and slack off? Or would they be so delighted they'd work harder? Given what's happened in the class, I suspect the former, but maybe I'm being too harsh. What do you think?

btw: It will be interesting to see course evals for this one. Not only did they start the semester hating me, but the evaluator came in just after I finished answering that question about what I thought of them.

What timing!

Stuck

I've got a million and one things to do (including finishing grading), about seven unfinished drafts of blog posts, and yet I can't seem to finish a single one of them today.

What's wrong?

The life/love of the mind

Over at the Chronicle there is an interesting follow-up essay by Thomas Benton about why professors should be discouraging graduate students from entering the profession. Some of his arguments makes sense, especially this one:

Some reasonably conscientious advisers tell students that they should go to graduate school only if they "could not consider doing anything else," but the students haven't tried anything else — and neither have most of the professors. Given professors' lack of information, students' naïve trust, and the overall ambiguity of the future, the easiest thing to do is fall back on our faith in doing what you "love."

I heard that advice myself when I was considering graduate school. But Benton's point that the advice only is effective if students know what they DON'T want to do is a corollary that I think should be tacked on more often.

Part of the reason I even went back to school as an undergrad was because I'd had other jobs, and didn't like any of them. It wasn't that I was just stuck in service either - I'd worked as a photographer, a glass installer, a daycare worker and even in management. Didn't like any of them. So I went back to school. Since then, I've held jobs that I could've made a career at - non-profit management, human resources, even the elearning gig I have right now.

But none of them satisfy me like the research and teaching (even if teaching nothing but composition is getting a little tiring). So, I can't say I can't imagine myself doing anything else, because I have. But I can say I can't imagine myself being as satisfied doing anything else.*

When you put it that way, I feel inspired and invigorated about my work, and I'm eager to find a full-time job in a career that satisfies me so fully! Will this mean that I will be incredibly disappointed if I don't get one? Sure. But I know I can do those other kinds of jobs - it's not like I'd starve if I couldn't be a professor. But I know which career is going make me happy because I know which ones won't. I think that's a nice thing to keep in mind for this coming year.

*this is not to say that I think everyone who wants to become a professor needs to go slog it out in the trenches first in order to be fully prepared. I think some people are better than I at knowing exactly what they want without putting themselves through the pain of horrible jobs that I did. I'm just a little dense, and needed that pain to figure it out!

Medieval Vampires

New Scientist is reporting a medieval vampire skeleton found. Of course they're not claiming the woman was actually a vampire, just that gravediggers thought she was one.

Still an interesting read.

And according to this mathematician, vampires are a mathematical impossibility. Dr. Efthimiou calculated that if once a month, a vampire fed off a human, turning that human into a vampire, the world's population would've all been turned by now. True. But very few contemporary vampire stories propose that all who are bit are turned. Most create a vampire who feeds without turning people (symbiotic relationships) or a vampire who feeds and kills. Lots of dead humans, but only rarely is one turned into a vampire.

Just in case you were curious...

A missed opportunity

Yesterday, my office mate at work overheard me trying to contact the international student office at my home institution to update my file there. So he asked where I was studying and that led to asking what I was writing the dissertation on.

Turns out his partner is writing on many of the same writers, and some similar themes, but her dissertation is organized around a quite different (but fascinating) set of questions. She even has a chapter coming out in the next few months on one of the novels that I'm writing about!

As I'm having this conversation, I'm thinking, "How grand! I would love to speak to this person, and share ideas." My office mate tells me his partner is like me - writing a dissertation from a distance. I get even more excited when I realize that this might be the academic connection that I've been trying to make in this town since we got here two and a half years ago! Here's someone else who not only is as academically isolated as me (and presumably would love more connection), but is also working in my area!

Then my office mate tells me his partner's flying out tomorrow to her home institution for the next 5 to 6 months.

Damn.

Another way elearning content development is like academic writing

"Quality assurance" is a bit like editing.

You've spent hours and hours with the content, shaping it, going over it, again and again.

And then you have to do it. one. more. time.

Renovating the ivory tower

You know what the problem is with the ivory tower?

It's a tower.

One of those big honkin' tall things, that spreads a dark (but thin!) shadow across the land surrounding it. But the biggest problem is that sometimes, the thing is so tall, that looking out of it, the other people of the world look like little ants, scurrying around the base.

One of the things I appreciate the most about working for the elearning company is that it reminds me that my world is not the only world. It reminds me that there are worlds out there that I only have fleeting glimpses of, whose areas of activity have just as many issues, and hierarchies, and struggles as mine.

They have their own iconic images, their own in-jokes, their own associations, their own traditions, their own rivalries, and all of them seem just as important as mine do to me.

There are times that I wonder whether I should continue the elearning work. I could use those hours to do more writing, or perhaps even more relaxing! But then I turn to a part of the project that is new and different from the kind of work I do when I write or teach, and I realize I'm not ready to give that up just yet. Even when those other worlds start to get boring, and I realize why I don't belong to those worlds, I still value them because they remind me that the ivory tower might better serve us if it was an ivory bungalow, or ranch-style abode.

RBOC

Things have been strange around here - an odd combination of novelty and routine, that have kept me busy but also surprisingly unable to describe these events in a coherent way. So here go the bullets

• I know everyone hates doing their taxes. But there is something soothing about organizing everything and accounting for everything. Because I use my vehicle part of the time to earn money, I also now know that I spent $461 on fuel last year. Not bad. I don't drive everyday, but even with that, I'm delighted that the number was that low. Of course that was also diesel fuel, which for most of the year was cheaper than gas.


• I've had really good conversations with my committee members lately, so I'm feeling good about the dissertation. This unfortunately is coinciding with a huge amount of other work that takes me away from it however.


• Even though I'm teaching two sections of the same course, there are vastly different dynamics developing in each classroom. This makes it hard to deliver the same content to these two very different classes.


• I've requested spring teaching, but am ambivalent about it. I like the idea of teaching (and of course the bit of money this brings) but also have a lot of writing that needs to get done. Perhaps I wouldn't be so ambivalent if I felt like I had a bit more time available for working on the dissertation and other writing projects.


• We're planning on doing some home improvements over the next several months. I know it's a recession, but we've been talking of these things since we moved in, and the announced tax credit for house renos has made those conversations take on a more pragmatic tone. At the same time, I'm a bit reluctant to commit to them. So we'll see.


• I will have to clear out the library/playstation room downstairs sometime over the next few weeks. Say, that could be the punchline to a joke. What do you get when a geek marries one of the cool kids? A playstation/library!
  


• I feel weirdly disconnected from the things going on around me. I don't know if it's some kind of strange after-effect of being sick this last week, or a more garden-variety ennui, but it's really messing with my planning. It's hard to put together a plan for the day, or the week, or the project, when you don't feel like any of it is relevant.
  

I suppose that last bullet is why I'm having problems writing as well. "Strange" is definitely the watchword for this week, that's for sure.

Darling dissertation

It might not seem like much - it is only an increase of 1% after all - but I broke the 100,000 word mark on the dissertation! Of course I'm hyperaware that even when I reach my goal, that is only for the draft. There's still much editing work to be done after that point.

More importantly than the word count is the way I'm feeling about the whole thing right now. Two weeks ago I was ready to chuck it all in. Not because I didn't like the work anymore, or because I'd become bored with it, or even because I'd hit any kind of writer's block.

I had just lost faith. My plan to keep soldiering on after last fall's setback was good in that it kept me going through a period where I could easily have gotten mired in self-doubt. But it didn't make that doubt disappear, and over the last month, as I experienced delay after delay in hearing back from committee members, their lack of communication began to reinforce that doubt.

I told myself it was just because they were busy. And they were. But the lack of communication allowed self-doubt to creep in. I think if I'd still been in the middle of the dissertation, that simply continuing to churn out writing would've enabled me to keep going without that feedback. But as you can see, I'm within inches of finishing the first full draft, and looking beyond the last few pages of writing, I could see nothing but question marks because I hadn't gotten this feedback.

Not having any idea how to shape the whole monstrous draft into a finished product froze me. And when I froze, the doubt about whether I could even do it crept in.

I thrashed around in confusion and frustration for a while, but then I realized that what I really needed wasn't so much feedback on the specifics of what I'd written, but a conversation about the project as a whole. What I really needed was a bit of support. I needed to talk about strategy, but more importantly, I needed to hear from one of my committee members that I could do this.

It pains me to write that last sentence because I don't like having to ask for help. Especially when that help is of an emotional nature. I am an emotional creature, sure, and I can cry at the drop of a hat. But my academic persona doesn't like to show emotional need. But that's what it was. I had an emotional need for the people who are deciding my academic fate to let me know that they think I can do it.

What I needed was to swallow my pride and call for help. So I called one of my committee members and had a good conversation. Our talk wasn't even that long, and at no point during it were the actual words "you can do it" uttered, but just having my ideas heard, and getting suggestions for managing the editing beast that will soon raise it's head helped immensely!

Ironically, two days after this call, I got one from another committee member, and had another very useful conversation. There was one minor part that was disappointing, but the rest was good. Now I'm psyched. It may not be as good as being within an academic community, as I would be had I stayed at my home institution, but for now, it's as good as I've got. Being at 95% of my goal also helps!

So the next time you hear me whining about needing something from my committee, remind me of this post and tell me to suck it up and ask!

RIP Philip Jose Farmer

I was saddened to hear that Philip Jose Farmer died on Tuesday. I remember reading his Riverworld series as a teenager (I never did read the World of Tiers series that he is also well known for, but might in the future). I was impressed by the imagination he showed in juxtaposing people from all different eras of human existence and then working through what kind of interactions they might have. I found that sort of thought experiment fascinating, and this series, along with the Foundation series and Fountains of Paradise are some of the first books to really impress upon me the power that speculative literature has to create new worlds in which we can examine some of our most cherished beliefs about humanity.

I do wonder what would happen if I read the books now. Would I be as impressed? Possibly not. Possibly I would be even more impressed. Regardless of whether they are great literature by any one else's standards, I remember the novel series being one that was very formative for me, and in some small ways set me on a path that has led to the scholar that I now am.

For that, thank you Mr. Farmer.

Back again

Ah, yes. Back to the land of snow and cold. Well, okay, it's not terribly cold today, but the forecast is for snow. It is hard to believe that just a couple of days ago I was walking around barefoot and feeling very warm. It really makes you realize how big our world is - I didn't even go a quarter of the way around this huge globe, and yet the conditions there and here were so very, very different!

The culture and people are different too. The same, but different. As one might expect, there is a more laidback attitude in Barbados than in North America. And people are friendlier. As you drive down the street, you hear horns honking, but it's not the irritated lean-on-the-horn honking you hear here - it's a hi-i'm-here kind of honking. And it was very strange to drive around here yesterday seeing all these huge, bloated vehicles that we drive. It seems just so wasteful after being reminded of how small a vehicle can be and still be incredibly comfortable. Even the shuttle vans are narrow, but spacious inside - like they were designed to be means for moving people around rather than means for intimidating others on the road.

But that's beside the point.

It's wonderful to be home again, but the vacation was an absolutely necessary break from the usual. The break between terms was filled with travel and frustration, so when I suggested we still needed a vacation, my wonderful spouse jumped at the idea and made all the arrangements for us. How sweet! So all I had to do was show up! Which was really nice, since the last couple of weeks before our break were all-out pedal-to-the-metal breakneck work speeds.

I also had been getting very depressed about my progress and feedback on the dissertation and I was really struggling to keep working on it. I've had tough spots before, but this was the worst by far. Although I can't say for sure that everything is absolutely fine, getting away from everything has given me some perspective on the whole project, and I feel hopeful that this will translate into a renewed effort and inspiration.

Let's hope so!

We got our open water scuba certification while we were down there. So now we're officially divers! I'm still waiting to get photos back, but if any turn out, I'll post them. It was tricky getting in all the dives we needed to in order to get certified, but now we can go to other neat places to see other neat things. I'm looking forward to adding diving to the list of things we can do while on vacation because it really is a memorable experience. There's something simultaneously terrifying about breathing underwater (that part of the reptilian brain that keeps screaming that IT'S ALL WRONG!) and something incredibly peaceful and beautiful about it.

We saw a lot of wildlife you don't get to see when you're on land, and I think just for that factor, it was worth it. The one day we saw a ray, and the next a turtle, and both were just such majestic creatures as they swam through the water. It's a strange relationship we have with water - it's an incredibly unnatural environment for us, and yet so vital to our survival. Dangerous and beautiful. I'm really looking forward to our next opportunity to dive!

Break

I am both ready and not ready for a vacation.

I am ready in the sense that I really need a break. I am not ready in the sense that I leave too much work behind which will just be waiting when I get back.

I realize this is one of the least substantive posts I have ever made, but right now it's all I can manage. I had a really good conversation today with one of my committee members, and although I'm still struggling with the dissertation, I think a break from it and the advice in this conversation will give me a new perspective on it when I get back.

Here's hoping! Happy Family Day and Reading Break to everyone!

Flawed human beings

It's been a busy couple of weeks, and in trying to keep up with everything, I've found myself frustrated and disappointed in my performance at times. I've been trying to learn a new set of skills, and found myself becoming frustrated several times when I wouldn't be able to replicate the action my instructor had just demonstrated the first time I tried (or in some cases, the second and even third time!)

I've also been desperately trying to stay on top of a work project that has mushroomed over the last few weeks. I knew it was a large project when we started, but it seems like the simplest part of it is exponentially larger than I expected.

On top of that, I finally got some feedback from some of my dissertation committee. The only problem is that I'm having trouble interpreting what some of the comments mean. There are also comments that I understand, but I don't see how they quite fit with everything else that I've been doing, so I'm not sure how to implement them.

What all this activity has done is increased my awareness of my own flawed nature to a level that I obviously don't think about most of the time. Most of the time, things go smoothly, according to plan, and I suppose I attribute that to my own intelligence, or foresight, or ability, rather than the combination of luck, serendipity and a bit of innate talent that it really consists of.

The irony is not lost on me that the topic of my dissertation - posthuman figures like cyborgs and clones - are pretty much the opposite of flawed humans. In fact, one theorist suggested that a criteria for defining the human in opposition to other artificial creatures would be that the human makes mistakes (this is also one of the warrants in the Turning test). So I suppose all this flawed-ness that I'm experiencing lately at least has the benefit of confirming that I'm human!

WHY DADS BUY A WII.wmv

There's something very contagious about listening to babies laugh!

Favorite movies meme

I received this meme through email, but thought I would share it in a wider venue. The meme? Name a favorite movie for every letter of the alphabet.

Here goes.

A Alien Quadrology - In all fairness, I should choose just one, but they're all interesting.  I suppose I'm partial mostly to the first and last ones.

B Blade Runner of course - original edition, the one with the voiceover, not the Director's cut.  Close second is the Birdcage - I need to get this on DVD instead of my old VHS copy, but I just love Nathan Lane's performance in this one.

C Children of Men - I tend to be drawn to films about apocalypse or impending doom.  One of the earliest memories I have of watching a film was a post-nuclear-holocaust film.  (This isn't as traumatic as it sounds, since film watching was not a part of my childhood experience)

D Dogma - Irreverent, dark comedy.  I suppose there are several other favorites in the list that might also be described this way too.

E Equilibrium - I heard about this film through someone else, but enjoyed it as a fairly simple, but visually interesting film in which an experiment to eliminate all human emotion fails, but not in a spectacular way; rather, it seems just a bit sad.  Eastern Promises is probably a better film, and definitely a favorite as well, but I do like the ideas in Equilibrium better.

F Fido - So my first thought was Fight Club, and it probably would still be in this slot if Fido hadn't come along, but who can resist an alternate history zombie movie anyway? Carrie Ann Moss is fabulous, as is Billy Connelly. This is one of those movies that I impose a ration on, otherwise I would watch it all the time.

G GATTACA - I've enjoyed this film since it came out and recently replaced the VHS with the DVD because I like it that much.  I'd also really like to find a venue or reason to write about this particular film.

H Hot Fuzz - I could watch this movie over and over again. The combination of the pretense, the dialogue, delivery and just outright hyperbole gets me every time. The Hitchhiker's Guide the the Galaxy comes a very, very close second here with High Fidelity running a close third.

I In Bruges - Dark comedy.  We've already established I like these kinds of movies...

J Jaws, I guess.  This one is a tough one and I'm coming up a bit shorthanded here.

K Kill Bill.  Again, I'm not delighted by this one but can't think of anything else that starts with K.  I do like the visual effects of the film and (grudgingly) admire its over-the-top nature.

L Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels - I've had to watch this film several times just to figure out the dialogue, but the plot and acting are well worth the effort.

M The Matrix - Yes, I know it's probably overly represented in lists of favorites, but I do like ideas within this movie. I don't mean so much the simulacrum of virtual reality versus lived reality, but the way that people live in Zion in this futuristic movie and the way that they've set up this alternate culture.

N Nightwatch - Russian vampire movie. Need I say more? Actually, I will. It's more than a vampire movie because there are witches and sorcerers and shapeshifters and all sorts of wonderful characters. I suspect the movie isn't as good as I think of it in my mind, but since it's based on a wonderful set of novels, the memories of a sense of delight in the novels colours my watching of the movie (over and over...)

O O Brother Where Art Thou? "My hair!" Adaptation, excellent performances, and a strange series of plot twists all combine to make a movie that I love watching over and over.

P The Princess Bride - Old, but still a favorite. One of these days I need to replace it on DVD because my VHS player is going to die someday and I'll no longer get to shout out along with the dialogue: "Inconceivable!"

Q Quills - Although there aren't many movies that begin with 'Q', even if there was a large selection, I would probably still pick this movie. Fascinating plot and excellent acting. I would recommend it (but it is quite graphic, so if you have a weak stomach, you might want to pass).

R Run Lola Run - NO, I'm not trying to be artsy-fartsy, but I really love Franka Potente's versatile performance in this particular film. REC, the Spanish horror flick that Quarantine was based on, is a close second.

S Sexy Beast - Sir Ben Kingsley's character in this movie is just so over-the-top that even after watching it an knowing how it ends, I still am tense with expectation. Ray Winstone's performance is also stellar, and quite out of character for the work he usually does, which gives the whole movie an aura of the fantastical. Shaun of the Dead gets honorable mention and would win out in some cases, depending on my mood.

T Trainspotting - what can I say? Between the baby on the ceiling and the worst toilet in Scotland scene, how can you not delight in the pathos an absurdity of this story?

U The Usual Suspects - Unlike some suspense movies, I still enjoy this one all the way through even though I know the twist. The Sixth Sense is similar - I can still enjoy it knowing the twist... "What a twist!"

V V for Vendetta - Yes, probably a predictable choice. But I just love the complicated treatment of social unrest in the movie.

W The whole nine yards - My appreciation of Matthew Perry went up significantly as a result of this movie, though I would also nominate Wag the Dog as a close runner up because of the acting in it as well.

X There aren't many movies that begin with 'X' but I do enjoy the X-Men movies. Coming up with a bit of a blank on this one.

Y Probably You Kill Me, again Ben Kingsley, who is one of those actors I whose perfomances I can watch over and over.

Z Really don't have any idea here. I did get a kick out of the Adam Sandler Zohan movie. Does that count?

Okay, that was harder than I thought. I seem to have many favorite movies, and each letter probably went through a couple of changes (and reversions back to my first choice) before I posted it.

Irony

I just misspelled "spell check"

RBOC: non-blogging edition

The reasons why blogging has (and will continue for some time) been slow:

• Quality assurance on the last online learning project is slow. And there are a lot of mistakes. As a percentage of the total volume, it's pretty good. It's just a big problem, so that percentage is high.
• My afternoon students were ready to stage a coup on Thursday, and it took all my energy to keep patient, continue answering their questions, and even maintain my usual dry humour during the class. They need to know that a C is a satisfactory mark, not a failing one, and that I will not change my grading or my policies (even if they glare at me all class as one of them did). In other words, the class will continue as I have planned it to. However, this class is at a precarious place right now because of their collective disappointment with their first assignment, and I think it will take all my energy to keep them engaged with the process. (I'm so glad spring break is only a couple more weeks away!)
• I'm trying to learn how to scuba dive. Haven't got in the water yet, just working on the required theory. But the land part of the course is long and time consuming. Necessary, but long.
• I discovered a flaw in the overall design of one of our projects today. The fix will be fairly simple, but, again, time consuming.
  
• The next project is threatening to fall behind schedule despite my superhuman designing efforts because the client is not committing to recording dates. Thing is, when they drag their feet on approval or communication and throw us off schedule, they never seem to remember it was their fault when they get the project a month late. In the interests of getting paid, you can't really point that out either.
• My birthday is coming up soon, and I have neither the time nor energy to think about what I want to do for it.
  

Micro cars

What would happen in the Smart car became the model for all other cars?

The Smorvette!













The Smaudi A3 AWD!














The Smamborghini!













The Smorsche!
















The Smorsche Targa!


















And last, but not least,














The Smerrari!


They are cute... but I wonder who would drive them!?

Length and substance

Question:

What's better? Comprehensiveness, or manageable length?

I'm trying to figure this out. The chapter I'm working on right now in its original incarnation was to focus on three novels. But I'm around the 50 page mark already and I've only really discussed one novel in depth and about half of the second one. If I polish both those off nicely, and then judiciously edit, I will be around the 60 page mark, which is about the limit a chapter should be. But I won't have discussed the third book, which I also really want to talk about.

So do I create a monster chapter? Cut one book? Change focus? Cut it up to create two chapters out of the material?

I'm not necessarily looking for an answer; more thinking aloud. Of course I'll have to ask my advisor, but I don't think we'll talk for another couple of weeks, so I'm trying to at least consider my options on my own.

Right now I'm thinking I could get away with cutting the third book, but it's also the one that I think is in some ways the most interesting of the three, and there's really been no scholarship on it (or even much on its author) so I think a reading of it could be that "new" part of the "contribution of new" insights/interpretations/material that a dissertation is supposed to make to the field.

However, it will also be the most challenging of the three since it's a very dense text that would require a lot of theorizing to tease apart, especially for an audience like mine, who have admitted they probably won't read all of the texts I'll be discussing in the dissertation.

I suppose another option, since I've got all this extra time now, is to cut the third book and then use it for a focused journal article dealing with some of the same ideas. But it's a marginal enough text that I don't know if it would be accepted by any journal, even Science Fiction Studies or Extrapolation. I also don't know what it would look like as a stand-alone argument. What if it needs the structure of this dissertation chapter for it to make sense?

Like I said, just thinking aloud...

New year, new look

Yep, you're in the right spot.

I just decided I needed a new look to the blog. I've been thinking that the dark background was a bit too dark for quite some time, but just had been reluctant to undertake the work to transfer everything.

Not to mention, I really appreciated the design provided by my good friend Duncan.

But it was time for a fresh look.

Perhaps this will even result in some fresh new thinking on fresh new posts? One can only hope...!

RBOC: New schedule blues version

• Week 3 - I finally remembered everybody's name in class today (in all fairness, it is only the fourth time we've met). I got most everyone who showed up the first day figured out by the first week, but those late addition students always give me problems.... especially since this term they all seem to be guys sporting the exact same haircut!


• I have decided that a 2-day a week teaching schedule at 8 am is far less desirable than a 3-day a week schedule at any other hour of the day.


• Spooky. I got a couple of emails from people after just thinking about them. The first was from a colleague who moderated a panel at a conference last year. She offered to provide some feedback on the conference paper since I'll be turning it into a journal article. This was months ago, and I was just wondering how I email a reminder when I received an email this weekend! Same for one of my committee members and wondering how I ask about the latest chapter, then presto! It was in my in-box the next day.


• Despite the serendipity of the events in the last bullet, no amount of thinking about others who I'm wishing to hear from (like my advisor) has turned up emails. So no super powers, just freaky coincidence!


• I discovered a new way to solve a thorny writing problem: turn it into a footnote! I was really working myself into knots trying to incorporate this one really interesting idea into the chapter and then get myself back to the larger thread of the argument. A judicious cut and paste into a footnote solved the problem so handily, I suspect I will be tempted to employ this strategy to excess even when it might not be the best idea!


• I got a paper accepted for a conference and said no. It's a long story, but mostly it's because they accepted a different proposal than what I submitted. So, no.


• I have been loving the gorgeous weather we've been having, melting all those (unusually) high piles of snow, and will miss it when we move into more seasonal temperatures over the next few days.


• I'm having troubles concentrating on the dissertation. Knowing that I have months and months of extra time to finish just feels like an embarassment of riches and I've lost the momentum I'd built up over the fall term. I'm still writing, but it's slowed down significantly. (Perhaps this means it will require less editing later? One can only hope...)


• Since I have so much extra time to finish writing this stupid thing, and since the holiday break really didn't feel like a break (nor did it feel particularly productive), I've convinced hubby to take a vacation with me in February. Warm, sandy beaches, here we come!


• The saying "it never rains but it pours" keeps running through my head anytime I think of my online work. Between Monday morning 9am and Monday morning 10am, my to-do list exploded into about five times the size it was at the earlier hour.
  


• Consequently, I feel like my brainpower is maxing out so much earlier in the day.  It used to be I could do some thinking/writing, then some teaching, then come home and do some more writing.  Now, I feel like I top out at about seven hours (on a good day) and then I have to sit and watch Dexter or hockey until I'm ready to sleep and start all over again.  What's up with that??

No matter how bad it gets...

... at least I didn't get this error message today!


(I have considered that since I'm researching monsters right now, I may be tempting fate, but I've switched to Mozilla and Safari, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed!)

In a holding pattern

Over at Quod She there's an interesting discussion on the relationship between the dissertation director and the dissertator. I've read Quod She on and off over the last year and I really value the advice and observations I've found there. This post is no different.

Dr. Virago describes a dissertation director that kept a dissertator from defending for three years in order to make the dissertation into a book. The rationale given was that it would be easier to write a "dissertation-book" as a graduate student instead of as an assistant professor whose tenure clock is already ticking. Dr. Virago suggests this strategy just hurts the student by pointing out how those three years would look different from a financial perspective as an assistant professor versus grad student but also from the social and professional perspective.

In the end, Dr. V. suggests this is an abuse of power, and in that, I would agree. If the dissertator agreed that a dissertation book was the goal of the degree, it would be one thing to extend the dissertation phase. But to impose that upon someone who perhaps just wants to get out of there seems vastly unfair. And Dr. Virago also rightly points out that if such an expectation becomes the norm, then we could end up with the situation that anyone graduating from a dissertation program is expected to already be published, rather than just graduating as a novice scholar who is ready to start publishing.

The reason this post hits home is because the aborted job market run last year has meant I won't defend till almost a year later than I'd originally planned. And in discussing the change of schedule, the idea that I would make the dissertation more book-ready was one suggestion. But I don't know that I want this dissertation to be my book.

That's not to say there's not some good material there - even publishable material. But I just don't know that as a book it works. It works as a dissertation. But I think it's too broad for a book. Right now when I look at it, I see two solid journal articles, with a possible third. The third I'm unsure of. The idea in this third discrete segment could work I think, though one of my readers has expressed doubts, so I'm going to present it at a conference this spring and see if it works in that venue.

But I've seriously begun to think about a book project that would be different from the dissertation. It has its origins in the dissertation, but just as a germ of an idea. A book that goes in the direction I'm thinking would need to go way beyond the dissertation. So much so that it would essentially be a different project.

So the suggestion (consolation?) that I can use the extra year to make the dissertation into a book is troubling. I realize at this point, fighting the delay does me no good. But it doesn't make the consolation of having time to work the dissertation into a more book-ready form any easier to take considering I'm not sold on this being a book.

Much food for thought.

Positivity

I just keep adding on the new year's resolutions... a few days late, but then again, one of my resolutions was not to increase my punctuality!*

So, the newest addition is to increase positivity in my life.

Yes, last year I took the complaint free world challenge and pulled off my band at the end of summer (it is easier in summer not to complain, isn't it?!) But I'm also realizing that hearing too much negativity also isn't good for anyone.

Now in case you accuse me of becoming a pollyanna, let me explain. I will still listen to the news, and I will still read my student evaluations, and I will still listen to my family when they want to vent.

What I am resolved to do is to eliminate the unimportant negativity - the blogs or fora or listserv messages that consist primarily of snark, complaints, or other unnecessary negativity. Yes, I'll of course listen to my family's and friends' problems - that's what family and friends are for. But listening to the complaints of strangers? Or political snark? Why do I need these things? I'm coming to realize that snark, as funny as it can sometimes be, has too much negativity just under the surface, and hearing too much of it makes me depressed. My friends and family? I can help by listening. Negative TV programs or magazine articles or online rants? Don't need me. And I don't need them.

So I'm off on an experiment to resist the temptation to snigger at snark and bask in schadenfreude and just play it straight up. Let's see what happens!

*those of you who know me IRL will appreciate how much this is not ever going to need to be on my resolutions list!

Loving literature

There's something I've been craving lately. Luckily for my thighs, it has no calories!

What I have been craving is fiction. Lots and lots of fiction. I want to stop writing and spend the next two weeks doing nothing but reading fiction.

But that feels a bit decadent. Even though I study literature, just sitting down and reading a book seems indulgent. When I was a teenager, I read all the time. I had no problem spending a whole day in my room just reading. What I read was not always the best quality - I did read an awful lot of really bad science fiction that I have since utterly forgotten. In a lot of cases, I know I read the book, I just can't remember what it was about. But the joy of sitting in my room on a Saturday just reading didn't come from what I got out of the books, but out of the activity of reading itself.

But this dissertation process has been beating the love of literature out of me, and I'm coming to the realization that if I'm going to find the motivation to keep going, I need to find that passion again. Since I teach writing and develop training for non-academic workers, that passion can't express itself in my work, so it's got to find a way out through my hobbies.

So finally, over a week into the new year, I have made a resolution. I will read at least 50 award-winning (or nominated) British novels of the last 30 years. This way, I will fulfill my desire for fiction while also staying current in my field of contemporary British literature.

This will also help me fill up the year since my dissertation defense has now been moved at least 8 months into the future. Ao the fiction is a kind of consolation for having my schedule postponed.

Endless referentiality

One of the most frustrating things about writing a dissertation, at least as you near the end of the first full draft, is the realization that what you have written in later chapters will require you to revise the arguments you put forward in earlier chapters.

I have an ever increasing file titled "Notes for editing early chapters" that I think I've actually been writing more in than the current chapter.

The good news is, all those notes will actually strengthen the rather weak arguments that I first wrote, but it's a difficult balancing act between just trying to finish a first draft, and getting distracted by all the things that I'll now need to change in the earlier chapters.

Maybe doing this over the phone was for the best

So I finally had that conversation with my advisor that was supposed to happen face to face in San Francisco. It was only half the conversation we were supposed to have - part two will be next week. I already pretty much knew what she was going to say (because there really wasn't anything else possible to say), but that doesn't make hearing it said aloud any easier. All I can hope is that part two goes better.

The life of the mind

I've been thinking a lot about literature and why those of us who work in it got into it in the first place. I've been meaning to write about literature for a while now, but I have had difficulty figuring out what to say. I think most of the difficulty has arisen from the fact that I don't actually teach literature. I keep teaching, but I have only been teaching composition lately, and there's a gap between composition and literature in the way that they are taught.

I heard a lot about the "life of the mind" at MLA and found myself contemplating its various uses. Sometimes the phrase is used facetiously, sometimes it is used in earnestness, but each time it is used, it identifies a particular way of understanding the world. It's a way that is in some ways disconnected from the world because it is focused on an abstract world of thought, and for those of us who teach and study literature, the intangible nature of reading and thinking about literature makes the disconnect from the world even more evident.

While literature may be a "mirror" of the world, it is also an escape from the world. I hold these two opposite beliefs about literature because I earnestly believe that literature is able to do both. Literature, even the most fantastical literatures like the ones I study, reflects the world in its comprehensibility. If it did not reflect the world - if it did not use the languages, ideas, values and images of the world - it would be incomprehensible. That's why even the most unreal writing, whether it's Joyce or Charles Stross, still needs to use the objects and language of the real world to tell its stories.

But literature is also an escape from the world, or if not an escape, a suspension of the lived reality of everyday life. Because regardless of how realistic the narrative, it isn't real life. The story of the book does not extend beyond its pages. Sure, a book may change the way you think about things and your attitude towards others (remember the study that said people who read fiction are better adjusted socially?) but in the end, the story ceases when you cease reading. The words are trapped within the pages, only indirectly affecting the world through the way that the affect the mind(s) of those who read them.

This is why the "life of the mind" fits so well with the "absentminded professor" stereotype. Because to engage in the life of the mind is to be engrossed in your own contemplation of that literature (or whatever else it is you study). Which means you cannot fully attend to what's outside of the mind (or the text) while doing so. (The relative difficulty in navigating hotel lobbies full of academics over the last several days at the MLA provided tangile evidence of this absent-mindedness)

This life of the mind is also invisible to observers. Because it does not involve bodily action, and because our thoughts aren't written on our bodies (probably a good thing in the long run), to those observing someone engaged in the life of the mind, it appears that person is actually *doing* nothing. Which strictly speaking is true - there is no "doing", just thinking. Of course this is why the stereotype of the absentminded professor is a negative, or at least comical one.

The relative invisibility of what we do often leads to frustration and misunderstanding as well. To those who do not engage in the "life of the mind" it can look a lot like, well, doing nothing. Particularly when one is thinking rather than reading or writing. But even in writing - the most obvious marker of output of the academic work life - the product can seem small for the amount of time that goes into it. This leads then to frustrations from academics whose families, friends, or even just the public, see their flexible schedules and relative lack of busyness as a sign that the task is somehow easy when it's not.

The "life of the mind" is also difficult to navigate for those of us who do have to regularly emerge from contemplation to attend to meals, school activities, necessary chores, caring for others, or just a myriad of other daily tasks that interrupt the thinking that characterizes the life of the mind. Sometimes it's really hard to switch gears from one to the other, and the sustained thought necessary to really engaged satisfyingly in the life of the mind can often seem a precious resource too often given away in the effort to keep the problems of the real world in check.

I'm not saying that having outside commitments and a life of the mind is impossible. In fact, having something other than contemplation in one's life would make one better at contemplating I would argue. It's the timing. When academics - usually women, and usually mothers - have others who rely upon them, the interruptions of the real world often come at inopportune times, just when we feel like we're getting somewhere with a particular idea. Of course it's certainly possible to write or read in small segments of time, but the solitude and uninterrupted quiet of a "room of one's own" can sometimes seem a luxury that far too often is not available to parents (or those caring for other dependents) in academia.

So in contemplating the life of the mind, I would add that the life of the mind can also seem luxurious. Having the time to think is a privilege that I am reminded of every time that I find a quiet time (and place) where I can engage in the "life of the mind" without fear of interruption. In that, I am lucky to be doing what I am doing, in being able to enter that abstract realm of thought in order to do my work. How privileged I am to be able to do so - now as a student for free, and hopefully one day as a professor, for pay.

When I consider all these things, the "life of the mind" seems neither facetious nor earnest but a privilege that I'm happy to be granted.