Do you ever wonder

what your life would've been like if you'd gone the other way for one decision?

I spent Saturday proctoring a practice MCAT exam. Seeing all those wanna-be-s reminded me of taking the exam myself; many of the students in the room looked like my peers who I wrote the exam with. None of them really looked like me though.

I never even considered taking an MCAT prep course - not at $1500. I settled for buying a second hand copy of a prep book for $20 - that was more my speed. [I actually made out okay - my physical science mark was average, but verbal reasoning and bioscience were above average, and I rocked the written part - 99th percentile!] I found myself wondering as I watched the students sweating it out (it's a seven hour exam) what they were thinking about the class, their desire to be a doctor, whether they were footing the bill for the class, or if someone else was. I find it hard to believe that students might have that kind of money themselves, though I'm sure there are some who do.

That's when I got to thinking about decisions.

When I was in grade eleven, my father sat me down and told me that he would not pay for my university education. He said that I would value it more if I paid for it myself.

I suppose I have valued it more since I'm the one footing the bill... but my bill would've been so much smaller if I had gone to university after high school instead of after I already had three kids and a husband on Workmen's Comp. But then I wondered. Would I have been unappreciative if he had helped me pay for university? Would I have made different choices?

I know at the end of high school, I wanted to go to university to study social work (hehe... and what did I end up working in for many years? human services jobs... no coincidence I suppose). Part of the reason I didn't apply was because I didn't have a lot of money saved up (I had some, but not enough for the whole bill) and I was a bit intimidated because I had heard the social work program at U of R was tough to get into. [I should note that I just assumed that meant I wasn't good enough to try to get in - I didn't even try applying]

Since I didn't think university was in the picture, I saw myself with two other options that I wanted: go to trade school in photography, or start a family - those were the only other two things that I wanted.

The rest I suppose is history. I got married - moved to a city that didn't have the kind of technical photography program I wanted, had children, and then came to the slow realization that the Leave it to Beaver life that I had tried to create wasn't working.

I wonder how many of those students I sat watching will actually make it into med school?

Dear....

To the person who created the virus(es) infecting my computer -

I have kept the address of this letter intentionally definitive instead of descriptive or imaginative. I am sure there are many other titles you would rather be known by, but in an effort to be as inclusive as possible of a subgroup within society, I am refusing labels and merely describing the actions of the person or persons who I wish to address.

As you can also likely tell by this point, I know far less about computers than you do. I'm willing to admit it. You know much more than I do. I do know a bit more than simply how to turn it on, and I can do more than just play Solitaire, but I'm sure I know far less about computers, their systems, their software, and their operation than you.

If your goal in creating computer viruses and sending them out to unsuspecting people is to demonstrate your knowledge, you have done so. I concede.

The damage to my computer has been minor. Most of the cost associated with the viruses it was infected with involved me spending some time deleting, cleaning, and reformatting parts of my computer. It was annoying I'll admit, but I didn't lose any data (in part because I backup on a regular basis and use virus detection tools and such to minimize such disruptions).

If your goal in creating computer viruses and sending them out to unsuspecting people is to create broad and highly disruptive chaos, you haven't done so, at least not for me.

During my quest for solutions to the problems I encountered as a result of the viruses my computer contracted, I learnt some new things. This is because I am highly intelligent - I may not be as knowledgeable as you about computers, but I'm very, very good and finding and decoding information. It's what I do for a living.

If your goal in creating computer viruses and sending them out onto unsuspecting people is to increase fear and stress for users, you haven't done so, at least not for me. And by the way, thanks for creating the opportunity for me to learn more about my computer.

The only reason I can think for why you create computer viruses and send them out to unsuspecting people is because you're bored. That's the only other reason I can think of. I have a hard time believing it, but it's the only rational explanation I can come up with. I'm not sure why someone would do what you do, since there are so many other amusing things in the world. I certainly am never bored enough to sit down and plan how I might disrupt someone else's life - there are far more interesting and rewarding things for me to do with my time.

But then again, that may just be because I'm a highly intelligent, sociable, skilled and eloquent person. I don't know what you are like. Do you have other skills? Perhaps you can correct me if I'm wrong about your motivation. If there is some reason other than boredom and a lack of any other useful skills why you create computer viruses, please let me know.

Stop right there!

My life seems to have come to a screeching halt.

Last week, I was teaching four days a week, working the Writing Centre another two days every week, tutoring, and working that boring-ass reception job on Saturdays. Plus helping three kids organize their lives and finish up the school year.

Now I have no demands on my time.

I sent off the oldest child on a plane yesterday (don't ask, it wasn't pretty), the next one is babysitting today, and the youngest and I are staring at each other wondering what we're going to do all day.

I have nothing but reading to do.

And I've done it... for ten hours.

And now I'm bored of it.

I suppose I could go grocery shopping. Not that we really need anything, but it would be something to do.

Compliments make the world go round

Three people today said they liked the dress I was wearing.

That made me feel pretty good 'cause I made it myself.

It's a long green sundress with a flounce at the bottom and an abstract leaf/water design. I have christened it my "mermaid" dress because of its color and shape.

It feels nice to know people like my creation.

Mood: Brown

Not Black, 'cause that would be a bit more fatalistic than I tend to... but not sunny, happy yellow either. But maybe that kind of brown you get when you mix the two - actually, it tends to be a brownish-grey come to think of it.

Anyway, I'm in a bit of a funk... nothing in particular has set it off. Maybe I just "woke up on the wrong side of the bed". What does that mean anyway? I always get out the same side of the bed 'cause someone else sleeps on the other side and I'd either have to roll across a lot more bed to gain the floor, or roll over him to get out, so the side I'm sleeping on is easiest one to roll out of.

I suppose it just refers to those days (like today) when nothing seems to go right, but it's all just little shit not worth griping about. When from the moment you open your eyes (or even before, if the first thing you're aware of is kinesthetic or aural) everything seems to be more annoying than usual. But why?

So is it something that you dream and forget about that puts you in the kind of mood that predisposes you to be annoyed by the kinds of life-annoyances that would ordinarily just wash over you? I wonder.

Either way, it's still an odd saying.

Now I shall go work on increasing my zen-ness and recuperating the afternoon.

Snippets of conversation

Oldest child to youngest child: "You smell like a balloon"
Youngest child: "That's because I'm rubbery"

Networking isn't just for geeks

So in my desperation over the state of my finances this summer, I emailed everyone I could think of who I know in the area telling them I'm looking for work and if they have leads to pass them on.

And I got one! Okay, so it's only a part-time gig, but they're looking only for summer which is ideal for me... the pay isn't as much as temping, but it's flex hours, and a lot of independent work, which suits me just fine. The office is real casual, and I already know two of the staff. Pretty cool, eh?

I can fit the hours in over two or three days a week, which means I could still take the occasional one or two day temp job if I really want the money. Or I can take those extra days off to spend time with the girls since they'll be around all summer, or to study, which I need to get on pretty quick anyway.

You know, it's not ideal, but at this point, I think it's the best offer I'm gonna get.

The Pros and Cons of Work

So the job I worked on Saturday was okay (well, as okay as receptionist work can ever be - it's just really not my thing). I'm scheduled to go back next week.

While there, one of the staff mentioned they are looking for someone for the month of August.

Hmmm... now do I want to take a job like this if they offer it?

Pros: Money, what else!
It's near home
It's steady work

Cons: It's boring work
It pays less than most other temp jobs (but better than minimum wage)
I won't have much time for study

I hope they don't request for me too soon - I'd like to hold out for the miracle-job that I know I won't get for a little longer. (Yes, I do occasionally play psychological games with myself - far less crueler than messing with other people's minds though, wouldn't you say?)

Work sucks!

Busy house

This is going to be a busy weekend... but that's like most weekends around here. Wanna hear about it?

Today, I hugged my oldest daughter and told her I would see her on Sunday morning. She's participating in a 24 hour relay to raise money for cancer. Her shifts runs from this evening till about 9 am tomorrow morning when she runs over to the Children's Theatre dress rehearsal to photograph it. She has a couple hours off in the afternoon and then has to tape the performance over the evening.

I'm at home tonight (obviously, right?) "reading" (i.e. blogging)... but I am reading too... but tomorrow the temp agency's sending me out on a job and then I'm going straight to a dinner in the evening that is likely to go for most of the night. So I won't likely see her till Sunday morning.

Even though I have to work early, I can't go to bed till late 'cause I have to pick up the next daughter from her bus when it gets in at 11:30. She's been in Washington for the whole week on the end-of-middle-school field trip. And I know she'll be very talkative when she gets here, so we won't go to bed early.

My husband will work all day tomorrow too, so the youngest two will have the day to themselves (to clean up that never-ending mess of a room is my goal for them... their goal is to put off cleaning it up for as long as possible).

My youngest daughter has her last soccer game of the season tomorrow - I'm sorry I'll miss it, but I've enjoyed the season so far... well, mostly, anyway.

On Sunday morning, I'll need to get groceries for our picnic, and I should weed the garden, and then we'll go to the end of the season soccer party. The oldest daughter will go to a friend's grad party. Then in the afternoon, we'll go out to the beach (with the picnic and her friends) in a delayed birthday celebration.

If we get home early enough, I'm going to have to rack off the wine too.

Whew! When did things get so hectic? Is this what the rest of the teen years are all going to be like? No wonder people go gray when they have teens... between the mood swings and the schedule I'm surprised parents dont' spontaneously combust!

Crisis of confidence

While applying for jobs I reread a recommendation letter from a former employer. She asked me to write the letter myself, made some minor editorial changes and signed. What strikes me is the confidence that the letter exudes - it makes me sound like I could do anything.

At the time I thought I could. The letter showed me the extent to which my confidence was utterly shattered by this big change in my life. Judging by the tone of that letter which I wrote before moving, I am only beginning to recover.

Disappointment

According to Princeton University's wordnet, disappointment is "a feeling of dissatisfaction that results when your expectations are not realized". That's about what I feel like. Thing is, the blame for disappointment is rather non-specific. It can happen because your expectations were unrealistic and therefore not realized, or it can happen because someone else who was supposed to deliver on a reasonable expectation, didn't do so.

I got real excited yesterday when my daughter took a message a woman called about a job offer. We played telephone tag only for me to find out that she was a nice lady calling to tell me she's filled all her positions. It was very nice to know she looked at my resume and had the courtesy to call and let me know it. But I can't help but wonder. Did the time it took to play telephone tag mean I missed out on an opportunity? It was a pretty cool job - short term, but with long hours. Don't know what the pay would've been. But a cool job description.

Too bad - it would've been a neat job. In the meantime, I got a two-day offer from the temp agency. It's boring reception/greeting type work, but it's money, right?

And then the Flames lost last night. I never imagined they would.

And then today, I walked into class and cancelled it because no one had done the work I had expected them to do. Usually I tell slackers to pick up the pace and just keep going, but my class is so small that only a quarter of the students were up to speed.

I felt like a parent, having to lecture them about getting their ducks all back into a row and getting back on track, but I don't think I had much choice. Tomorrow, they shall get no mercy from me.

I'm also disappointed that I haven't got much of my own work done in the last little while with all the running people around I've been having to do. Aside from Dwayne's trip to tutoring, and mine to the court to play basketball, I put on 200 kms in the last three days in errands and chauffering (don't worry, there's more yet to come this week as well). And in this town, each one of those kms is hard won.

Happy Michele

Michele is happy, happy today! (despite road work and an unexpected phone call this morning)

Happy Birthday to my birthday girl!

The Flames won game 5 last night, and I reconnected with a friend who I'd lost contact with when I moved. She changed workplaces and emails, and I just rediscovered where she's at. Yeah!

I felt really bad about losing touch too, 'cause the last time I talked to her, she called to ask if we could meet for coffee one last time before I left, and I was pulling the moving truck out of a Tim Horton's on Seventeenth Ave S.E. heading out to the #1. And after I left, I never was able to reconnect - I figured she was probably pissed at me.

But she replied to my email, and now we'll talk (at least electronically), and I can find out what's happening in her life, and she can read this and talk to me on email and find out about the bits of my life that don't make it onto this page. And I won't have lost another friend to moving 'cause losing good friends when you move sucks.

If I knew how to do cartwheels or a handstand or something else equally expressive/impressive, I would do so. I am so, so, so happy to rediscover my friend. *big smile*

The new Me Generation

Is it just me, or does it also strike you that there's something really screwed up about this student who "wanted some time without stress"?

This student disappeared for three weeks after skipping graduation and even though he heard through the media that his family was worried about him, he didn't call home because he didn't want the stress?

Did I miss something? What about the stress to his family? Did he just not care that they were worried? Having survived an undergraduate degree that included a divorce and periods of time where I was also the sole provider for three kids, I think I have the experience to say that the stress of this student's degree was by no means greater than the stress he would have inspired in those people who were wondering whether he was alive or dead.

When people you love are missing, regardless of how capable you think they are, or how likely it is that the rational part of your brain that says they're all right is correct, you can imagine some of the worst possible things.

Granted, this student has got to be at least 22, 23 years old - old enough that his parents shouldn't have to worry about him not being able to take care of himself, but I still read this story in utter amazement at the selfishness that seems to lie behind this student's actions.

I must admit I'm curious about the story that must be behind this - what kind of a relationship did they have? Why didn't he call, when the report says he hugged his parents when reunited with them? What kind of stress could someone be living under that would warrant such behaviour? Was this a case of parents who are too involved in their children's lives?

Very odd.

Working stiff

Yeah! My work permission arrived!

Now I just need to see if there are any decent summer jobs left - wish me luck.

Ebay

I have mixed feelings about the whole ebay phenomena. I first discovered it/used it in March when I needed to replace the hard drive to my computer and found the same hard drive for 1/4 the price the dealer wanted.

I've already ranted here about the idiot who sent the hard drive because he sent a different model number than the one advertised. It had the same specifications, so it worked, but I thought it rather sloppy of the seller.

Okay, so as a first experience, it was so-so. But I've had ebay cancel a transaction because it wasn't listed in the correct category, and I've also not received merchandise I've paid for.

In one case, I needed a book for my book club, and since I was really busy and was having problems getting to the bookstore, I went onto ebay. Imagine my delight to find someone selling an e-book version for only $0.99! I would pay almost nothing for the book, there would be no delivery time, and I would get the chance to try reading an e-book, something I've never done before.

So I put in my bid, waited, won it, and sent my money - within about three hours of the bid closing. And then I waited some more. I sent emails asking where it was. I sent emails asking when I could expect it. I sent emails asking for a refund. I finally borrowed the book from a friend.

The seller was booted off of ebay, so I guess that's a good thing, and it was only a dollar, but I'm still annoyed.

In the meantime, I've had several successful interactions and been pretty much satisfied with the whole process. Until I bid on a semi-hard-to-find Victorian book that I was happy to find at less than $5. So again, I sent off the money right away and nothing happened. I sent two emails asking what was up and got nothing. I figured it was the same kind of whatever it is attitude that the previous bad seller had, but then it got interesting.

I got an email from the seller asking why I had given him a bad rating when he was the one who had never received payment from me. He said he could understand how I thought I'd paid him and never done so and could I please remove the bad rating.

My reply e-mail included a copy of the paypal record of my payment, which I confirmed with the bank, and I told him that if he would send me the book, I would remove the rating. He indicated he would send the book in the interests of good customer service, even though he made it sound like he thought I was scamming him. That was three weeks ago. I'm not getting my book, am I?

Jerk!

Do they congregate on ebay, or just in the bookselling section?

Mundane is beautiful

My god that post on Saturday was long! Congrats if you actually read the whole thing!

I'm amused at myself - that post was probably the most academic thing I did all weekend. But man oh man did the weekend feel good! It felt so normal and weekend-ish. On Friday we did grocery shopping, saw a movie and picked up transit passes for this week. Saturday was full of soccer game, cleaning (my) house and then going to a housewarming party - which was highly amusing - nice mix of people.

Sunday we went out to Walden Pond for a picnic (just Ange, Dwayne & I since the other two were 'working'), did some soccer drills/goofing around (okay, truth be told, it was mostly just goofing around), and watched movies. Today, the girls and I went shopping, I refilled the propane tank on the BBQ, planted the rest of the bedding plants and will watch game 4 tonight.

So I know you're bored by the description of my weekend, but to me it was an absolute delight! There was no intellectual work involved (okay, except for marking student papers that I squeezed in here or there, but that takes more patience than brain power).

Sweet!

The truth is stranger than fiction

This has got to be the oddest story I've heard in a long time - a boy plotting his own murder. Why would he do this, you ask? Good question! Seems to me that more than one player in this story has a screw loose.

I'm makin' a list...

...and checking it twice, and then a third time, and a fourth, and a fifth, and a... well, you get the idea.

This list generating stuff is gonna drive me insane! I feel like I've just been thrown out into library stacks and told "pick good stuff" without any sense of rhyme or reason.

The stacks of books around my desk are piling up as I pull them off my shelves, or borrow them from the library, trying to figure out if they need to be included on a 'comprehensive' list that, if I read it, will presumably make me an expert in three clearly defined areas and give me permission to go on to the dissertation. [And I don't even want to think about the headaches that process will bring with it.]

You know, most of the time, I'm not at all jealous of Dwayne's work - the volume he has to read (and memorize! something I never have to worry about) is prodigious. But at times like this, I am jealous. He may have a lot to read, but at least he knows WHAT he's got to read to pass exams. I've not only got to read and respond to the questions at the end of this year, but I've got to guess right about what I need to read in order to make things profitable.

Grrrrrr. I've felt really unsupported by the department/faculty before, but this really feels like I'm being thrown to the lions.

There is one lining in the cloud - I won't call it silver, 'cause it's probably more like a kind of graphite-grey color (you know, the color of silver when it gets tarnished? or maybe the color of a new car?).

When I first sat down with these lists, I had no clue what to put on them. I would look at the topic and think "I know nothing about this", but then I would start with a title or two, or an author or two, which would lead to another, and then another, and then another,... which was kinda cool 'cause it made me feel smart (or at least well read). But after about a hundred 'anothers', I started to panic again. How do I whittle this huge list down to size? Ideally, I figure about 20 primary texts plus the same number of secondary sources in each of the three areas is going to be the maximum I can read while still taking my exams by next summer.

...Okay, so I checked and the list is actually only about 46, not a hundred... but that's still twice as big as it should be.

And I figure I should have a list of only about 12-15 when I submit it to my supervisor, 'cause I know she'll add to it. And if I give her a list with 30 things on it, I'll get a list with 50 back! [I learnt that lesson with that monster reading course I did last term.]

Speaking of which, I finally got an email back from the prof - something to the effect of "I just read through all of your bibliography and I'm glad I gave you an A 'cause this is good work" - note the past tense of the verb: "gave". Nice to know I'm getting good marks after careful consideration... or maybe he was just impressed by the number of pages I turned in...

There's three lists. The Victorian one, I'm pretty cool with - my supervisor for that area gave me some good suggestions, and with my own interests, I think I've rounded out the list of primary texts. I'll still need to read/re-read them, find secondary sources, read them to decide if they need to go on, and then compile that half of the list, but that will just be time-consuming. I at least know what I've got to do there.

The Narrative theory list will be fairly basic also, though it will take me a lot more time since I've only read a couple of the theoretical works. But I've got a clear plan of action. I'm going to read excerpts of the key writers from two anthologies, and then decide whether I need to read their full book, or just an article - that will then become my list. Straightforward, but a lot of time - even more than the Victorian I figure.

It's the third list that's got me buggered. I want to read and test in twentieth century British prose fiction.

Problem is, there's a helluva lot of British prose fiction written in the last hundred years. Even trying to fashion an area based on a potential thesis on the failures of realism in the British novel still leaves me a lot of categories to cover. I need to include the big names of the post-war period, Amis (both of them), Sinclair, McEwan, Swift, Banks, Barker, Rushdie, Byatt, etc. to name a few, but also can't totally gloss over the modernists like Joyce, Woolf, Conrad, and for continuity-sake with the Victorian, should include the Edwardian period (though I may try to shoehorn them into Victorian to balance out the lists, if I can figure out a way to justify that).

But I also want to look at sf, magic realism, and fantasy... something necessary if I'm going to discuss realist and non-realist text. So okay, maybe I include Lewis Carroll and Tolkien and C.S. Lewis (but you notice the children's lit angle beginning here? not a path I want to go down), but then I also want to include sf, which in some ways is fairly straightforward Aldis, Wyndham Lewis, Lessing,... but do I then also go into utopian/dystopian by including Orwell, Huxley etc.? I'm thinking of putting William Morris on the Victorian list, so if I include a Victorian utopic, do I need to include the twentieth century ones? After all, utopia/dystopia starts to leak into the political, which really has nothing to do with realism [anything you read into that is fully intended...]

But then with the magic realism you get into the thorny question of defining it, and when you start to define it, you start to define a postcolonial/colonial reading list, and then the list really does grow, because you start including Commonwealth stuff like Hulme, Carey, Achebe, Okri, Ishiguro, Lowry, Naipaul etc.... and that could be a list all on its own.

I suppose someone wise might advise me to go talk to my supervisor about all this, right? Right! That would be great advice!

Problem is, I've already talked to her twice about setting up this reading list. The first time, I got the distinct impression she was suggesting I find someone else to supervise this area. Second time, she told me that I needed to decide what I wanted on the list. Umm.. yeah,... that's kinda what I'm trying to do and having problems. Can you help?

Grrrr... for the second time in one post.

Perhaps something fantastical will happen and make this all a moot point... like a jet engine falling through the roof of my bedroom....

Cold

It's 64F in the Writing Centre where I'm working. That's 18C for the rest of the world.

A nice temperature if you're going for a run, or you've just come in from the beach in summer.

Not a nice temperature when you are sitting in it for hours inactive. It's May and I'm shivering.

Time Warp?

There may be a wormhole somewhere over the Charles River.

Today I left home 5 minutes later than usual... and got to work a half hour late.

Wormhole. Definitely. Or space alien abduction... and I just don't want to go there.