Weird intersections

Games.

They seem to be everywhere: the latest fiction book I'm reading The Player of Games, an sf novel about a perpetual game player; I watched David Cronenberg's eXistenZ the other night; and the library just emailed me to tell me a book I asked them to hold about four months ago is now available: Rules of Play: Game Design Fundamentals.

Not that I know much about game theory, or am even terribly good at playing the things, but its weird how some things come in threes.

From eXistenZ:
Ted Pikul (disgruntled game player): I don't like it here. I don't know what's going on. We're both stumbling together in this unformed world whose rules and objectives are largely unknown seemingly indecipherable or even possibly non-existent. Always on the verge of being killed by forces that we don't understand.
Allegra Geller (game designer): Sound like my game alright.
Pikul: Sounds like a game that's not gonna be easy to market.
Geller: But it's a game everybody's already playing.

Sad news

We learnt yesterday that Dwayne's mother died. We were expecting it (see last month's archives), but it doesn't make it any easier, particularly since now he has no parents.

I'm gonna share mine with him.

So... we wanted to get out of the city for the Labor Day Weekend - looks like we're gonna get really far out now. If anyone's gonna be in Calgary this weekend, maybe I'll see you there.

Good advice

I must remember this tip for saving my ass. With my paranoia about this place, it may just come in handy.

Thanks Jen!

I'm early but I'm celebrating!

I know I have one more excruciatingly looooong day tomorrow of being nice to strangers, but I feel free! I am no longer selling my body for dollars. (believe, it has really only ever been my body that's engaged in these jobs) I felt so good about it, I started studying this afternoon.

[How's that for a bizarre reward....!]

Countdown!

Only one more week of wage-slaveness! Whoopee! It will be very nice to actually have to hunker down with books again and use my brain. I'm afraid it's starting to shrivel like a grape left in the sun too long!

16 more hours unpacking boxes/running a scantron & 14 1/2 more hours answering telephones and being nice to customers (that last one's the hardest part - I can do it, but it takes an awful lot out of me to sustain niceness for more than a few hours at a time).

Then I can get back to being a poor student instead of just a poor wage-slave.

Water fountains and Pay phones

Two things that seem to be harder to find the older I get. Maybe that's because people mostly drink bottled water and use cell phones. But for somebody who rarely does either, the dearth of pay phones and water fountains is an irritation.

The Eastern Time Zone is big!

How big is it?

The sun went down in Buffalo almost a half hour later than it did here even though we're in the same time zone. Wish we had the later sunlight here - maybe we should join Newfoundland and get the extra half hour back.

Well worth it!

Rush was definitely well worth the full day of driving to get to it and back.

While there were plenty of songs I wish they would have played but didn't, I'm not complaining since if they were to play every Rush song that I like or think is essential to their oeuvre, they would've been on stage for six hours. And there wasn't anything they played that I thought was a waste of their time.

Their stage show was very cool too - low key, not huge props etc., but a great pyrotechinics and laser light show combined with clever video. A good rocker stage show.

Their latest album is a cover album, and except for one song that I'm just not sure of yet, I like Rush's version of the song better than the original in every case.

But maybe that's 'cause I'm a Rush fan.

Driving through upstate New York was nice too - lots less traffic on the Interstate, and fewer trees - you could actually see something other than trees as you travelled. I think that's the thing that bugs me most about travelling in MA - you only ever seem to see trees - exit - trees - exit - trees - exit - trees... well, you get the idea.

Maybe its just 'cause upstate NY looks a lot more like home.

Being with Dwayne all day was cool too - when we're at home, there's always something that needs to get done, kids that need (or think they need) attention, stuff to get done, but in a car for fourteen hours, all that goes away. It was a very nice escape.

And I discovered that I'm not too old to stay up all night - we drove back right away and got in at 6:30 this morning. I was hoping to catch the sunrise, but it's cloudy and overcast. Good day to catch up on reading before working twice as long at work tomorrow to make up for taking today off.

Survival and Reward

So, survived tax holiday day - mostly because everyone made such a big deal about it that they planned ahead... and put extra staff on.

My reward will be seeing Rush in concert tomorrow in Buffalo, NY. We've been wanting to see them for two years. Last time they toured, they were in Boston when we were still in Calgary, and in Calgary once we got to Boston (yeah, the timing sucked).

Yes, it's a seven hour drive, but to see Rush it will be worth it.

A good reason NOT to get up in the morning

Tomorrow is a sales tax holiday in Massachusetts - no one will have to pay the 5% sales tax tomorrow.

I work Saturdays in a tile showroom - our customers typically spend thousands of dollars with each order... I'm guessing lots of our customers would like to save money on such large purchases... The rest of the staff is guessing the same.

I'm not looking forward to work tomorrow. It's likely to be busy, which means lots of grouchy people - and I'm at the frontlines.

The good news is, by the end of tomorrow, I will be halfway through my summer-work-arrangements-from-hell. The end is in sight.

Perspective

My friend's brother was killed earlier this week. He was being a good Samaritan, doing the right thing, but he was hit and killed by a car doing it.

My petty griping is put into its place - there's nothing more to say.

Lesson in change

All inhabited space bears the essence of the notion of home.

Gaston Bachelard The Poetics of Space

Ugly Day

So far, today has been ugly. Not in a bad/disastrous/I'll look back on this and laugh kind of way, but in a dull/boring/wasted kind of way. There is nothing memorable - good or bad - and I feel like I'm prostituting myself with work, doing anything to pay the rent. That's a horrible feeling.

Pressure

Right now I'm timing out a Practice SAT exam for Sandy. She'll need to write the exam this year if she wants to apply to any U.S. schools, so she needs to begin practicing writing the standardized test.

She's getting a bit annoyed at the process. Well, frustrated and angry are probably better words to use. I believe during the last break she said the test was "hella stupid" and while I might agree that standardized tests don't necessarily measure how smart you are, if you want to succeed in North American society, you're going to have to write some kind of standardized test at some point.

So, we practice.

She also told me that she just wasn't going to apply to U.S. schools if she had to take the stupid test. And while I would certainly be absolutely fine with her going to a Canadian school (tuition is SO much lower!), if she wants to get an atheletic scholarship to a U.S. school (which she does), she'll need to write the SAT to get in. And if she gets a scholarship and wants to go that route, I'm all behind her too. I just want her to keep her options as open as possible.

So it looks like we'll need to do more practicing over this year. Another thing I'm going to make her do that she doesn't want to do.

Guess that's what parenting's all about though, right?

Lovely day

Trying desperately to stay awake and get something accomplished this evening... though if the coffee dosn't kick in within the next hour, I think I'm going to give it up as a lost cause and go watch a movie or something equally thought-less.

I should've known all that sun today would make me feel sleepy. The girls and I went to Hampton Beach in New Hampshire. The place was pretty crowded, and although we started getting our stuff together early, by the time we got there we had to park out along the highway.

But we enjoyed ourselves. I'll have to see if I can get pictures to attach properly and show you - but please don't be too disappointed if my meager technological skills mean I can't manage it.

I got a bit more sun than I wanted to - in part because the girls decided they needed 'one more swim' and that put me in the red zone - hence, the tiredness. But I will persevere with the coffee and try to write up the latest book I read Bringing Down the House at the link to your left. If you don't see it till later, well, you know I gave up and curled up with a good book instead (or a mindless movie - sometimes that's just as good!)

Rhetoric

Watched Kerry's nomination acceptance speech at the DNC last night (on tv, not there obviously). The consensus in the room was that he hit on some of the issues he needed to (though the room was entirely Democratic, so that was to be expected).

I was struck by one thing he said, that internationally, America needs to recover its position as a nation that people look up to, not just fear. I wonder how true that sentiment might actually be of international politics.

Caveat: I only know my sense of things - and I'm no expert in international politics.

Sometimes as a Canadian, looking to the U.S. feels a bit like watching the pit bull in the neighbor's yard - you're pretty sure the fence is secure, but it still makes you a bit nervous. Being here sometimes feels a bit like standing behind the bully of the playground. As long as he isn't looking at you, you're okay. But when he turns around - all hell's gonna break loose.

But maybe that's just me.

Sorry kiddo

Oldest daughter: People always say I look like my mom when she was younger.  What do you think?
Her boyfriend: (looking first at her, then at me, then back to her) Yup.
Daughter: (grimacing) Ugh!
Me: Sorry kiddo!

Chins up and all that jolly good stuff...

I'm trying hard to stay positive about the way my summer has turned out.  But mostly it's not so good - at least, I sure figured some of it would be better.  One of the things I hadn't figured on was the kind of job I've got.

When it gets bad, I console myself with the thought that there are thousands of other people like me who are working well below their capacity in America. 

(But it doesn't really help)

Don't get me wrong - the people I work with are really nice - they're all very dedicated and eager to help and show me stuff.  And it beats digging ditches, or working retail, or waitressing.  But the job is, well, it's not really the kind of thing I imagined I'd be doing, even if only for a few weeks.  Today, I spent most of the day putting stickers in books.  That should give you some idea of what the job is like.  I'm not exactly taxing my brain.

Then again, that means I have plenty of brain power left in the evening for studying. 

But since I'm depressed at my relative lack of job-getting, I hardly feel motivated to do anything more intelligent like what I'm actually here to do.

 

Coincidence

At a birthday party last night, a friend told me about an interesting coincidence.

She's volunteering for the DNC here next week and during training they had one of those icebreaker/learn to talk to strangers kind of exercizes where she was paired with an Irish man who had been at Northeastern.  So, having taught English classes there herself, she asked if he'd taken any and he'd said he took the Middler class last year.  And because the exercize required them to keep talking, she asked who his teacher was... you guessed it, yours truly!

Weird coincidence!  I really enjoyed that class, most of my students were international students (and most of them were Irish).  I learnt a lot from them, and at least from the report of this student, they learnt some from me too.  But it was an interesting coincidence.  Out of all the volunteers for this convention (and there's lots!), these two sat beside each other and each knew me. 

Kinda cool. 

Beginning and End

Sunday afternoon, I drove two towns over to a friend’s house to see their brand new baby.  He was not quite three weeks old. 
 
He was sleeping when I arrived, and I looked down at him, marveling and being reminded at how small newborn babies are… they grow so fast, it’s easy to forget how little they are when they’re born.  [When you’re having them though, they feel huge!]
 
He woke up a short time later, and my friend passed him to me.  His mother said something about how neat it is to see someone who knows what they’re doing pick up a baby, but I didn’t respond because I was almost overwhelmed by the memories that I was feeling.  Yes, I did mean feeling.  It wasn’t that I was remembering particular instances of holding a baby, but holding babies in general.  Which is a visceral thing – my body was remembering what it felt like to hold such a small baby, to carry it, to nurse it, to care for it.  It was a bit overwhelming to tell the truth.
 
I was there a bit longer than I had expected, which was still a rather short visit, but during my short time there, a host of other memories were dug up by our conversation.  I was… well, I’m not sure of the right word for it – jealous is too strong a word since it’s now after-the-fact and there’s no reason to wish things were otherwise for me – nostalgic might be the right word, though nostalgic in the sense of longing for something in the past that you never had in the first place.  You see, they both share so equally in the childcare duties, everything possible short of sharing the breastfeeding duties.  Even that, they work at sharing with dad giving his son a bottle on a regular basis.
 
I never had that.  Though in all fairness, I never expected that.  I grew up expecting there was a rigid gender division in household and childraising duties = the woman did all the work and dad got the fun stuff.  So I can’t really say I’m jealous, because my life has changed and I no longer feel like I’m flying solo in childrearing, but it’s not really nostalgia either, since I never had or expected equality when the kids were younger.
 
But that aside, it was a very satisfying experience to see their son, to see them working together, to see their happiness and pride (behind the slight sheen of exhaustion).
 
Sunday night, I answered the phone to find my husband’s brother on the other end.  I was a bit surprised since we had just gotten an email from him a few days before and calls weren’t too frequent, but it was nice to briefly chat with him before handing the phone over.
 
When my husband came down the stairs asking if he could direct dial to his cousin’s house in Saskatoon (we recently changed long distance providers, so he wasn’t sure what plan I’d gotten), I knew it was bad news.  And probably about his mom.  Though since he didn’t look particularly upset, I guessed that she had just taken a turn for the worse.  My guess was right.
 
He’s now gone to see her.  She’s been ill for a long time now and while I didn’t know her and she didn’t know me because of it, it’s still hard because I know how hard this is on him.
 
Life – we use this word so frequently and casually as in “it’s my life” “what are you doing with your life?” “that’s life!” that it’s easy to forget what it represents until you’re reminded of its beginning and its end.  And sometimes it feels like it will never end… like when you’re stuck in a line, or a boring job, or waiting for something to happen… but it does.  And we tend to forget that.  We don’t want to think about the end because we’re supposedly having such a great time living it that we don’t want the downer of thinking about when it all stops. 
 
Our reluctance as a society to talk about death, even to name it – we have way too many euphemisms for it – does us all a disservice because it is true that you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone.  But if it’s you’re life, after it’s gone, you have no way of appreciating that sage piece of advice.  And if you don’t see other people die, if we don’t talk about it, if we don’t think about it, then we can’t really appreciate the life that we have, can we? 
 
Even when birth reminds us of the beginning of life, a child’s potential and all of that, it still is easy to think about other things than life when someone has a baby.  When I saw my friend’s baby, it reminded me not of life, it’s beginning, it’s potential, but of me, of how tired I was for the first months, how shocking it was to find oneself a parent, how much my life changed.  Even for my friends, I am thinking about how their lives have changed, how they’re working together, how they’re adjusting.  I am thinking almost nothing about their son’s life. 
 
Maybe the difficulty is that it’s so hard to tell how someone’s life will turn out, to predict what choices they’ll make, what experiences they might have.  And maybe part of the problem in even thinking along those lines, trying to guess what a child’s life will be like, depends so much on class issues that we’re afraid to talk about it.  We’re afraid to recognize that there are class differences.  That the dream that “anyone can grow up to be President” is in fact a falsehood.  Class is very real in North America, even if we don’t name it like the Brits do.  Not everyone has the same advantages.  No matter how hard you try to change that.
 
My children have never grown up with money.  They have had every advantage I have been able to afford them, and I’ve been lucky in some ways in the way my life turned out because I was able to access resources that they and I might otherwise not be able to afford.  Living in the break-even housing at the University meant I paid just a little less for rent than others and had the extra $50 to enroll them in gymnastics class or swimming lessons at the same place.  And they went to an inexpensive summer camp for a few summers because I knew about it because I had been to the same camp when I was young.  But there are still things that my children have not had.  Experiences they have not had that other children have.  I’m not complaining, I think I did well with what I had, and they certainly have had more experiences than other children have.  But to predict their lives as infants would have meant taking my income into consideration.  And that would mean recognizing that I was living below the poverty line.  And recognizing poverty in North America is an unpopular sport.
 
But life happens, every minute, every day whether we think about it or not.