I've had most of the day for writing (even though I have plenty of other work that needs to get done) and I selfishly have designated today a writing day.
But I feel like I'm spinning my wheels.
Part of it is the material - I'm having trouble seeing where I want each section to go and how that fits into the overall goals of the chapter. I don't think there's an actual problem with the chapter - I wrote some really good stuff on Thursday. I just am stuck on this particular part of it. And no, there isn't really another part that I can write instead because I have to figure this part out in order to know how to approach the other sections.
Part of it is because this is the toughest chapter to write. I already blogged about how unusual this chapter is, and how I thought it was really doing some neat stuff no one else has really done.
Problem is, if no one else has really done anything like this before, I don't have any models to follow, and mapping out the argument is a bit tougher because I've never tried to create an argument like this.
But part of the problem is this lingering doubt. I just can't shake it. All the self-talk in the world isn't making it go away. Hearing other people tell me I can do it is really, really lovely, and I believe them. I do. But even that isn't helping. Don't get me wrong, I know I can do this. I know I will do this. I just am not moving forward right now, and that's frustrating.
What's happened is that I've gotten over my doubts about this dissertation. I think it's a damn worthy dissertation, and I think once it's all done it's worthy of a PhD. But now I'm losing faith about the process after that.
The deteriorating job market isn't helping my enthusiasm. I'm not looking at postings and I'm not going out to look for things, but I'm hearing from my blogroll and elsewhere that searches are being cancelled and positions pulled. And then the more I hear about the general economy going down the tubes, the more I wonder if next year will be any better. And then I wonder what the whole point of this whole thing is if I get this dissertation finished and there's nothing out there to apply for anyway. And then I think "I'm not getting any younger" which doesn't help matters. I realize a lot of this has nothing to do with my scholarship, but I'm having difficulty compartmentalizing it.
So it all feels just a bit pointless. No. Not pointless. I'm enjoying the research I'm doing, and even when I have a bad writing day like today, I'm enjoying doing the writing. Self-indulgent might be a better word. I'm doing something I like with what looks like little hope of it paying off, short of giving me another expensive piece of paper to hang on the wall. A bit depressing when you think of it that way.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Despite my best efforts at organizing
I cannot find a book I know I own.
I know I own it, because it's listed on Library Thing, and I only very rarely lend books out. So I know it's in my house... somewhere.
Problem is, I can't find it.
That probably means I own too many books, or don't have a good system for organizing them. I've been thinking I could include Library Thing tags that indicate what shelf the book is on, but the thing is, the location of my books changes periodically, depending on what I'm working on at the time.
Most of my books are kept in the spare room/library. That's always the first place to look, and everything is arranged by genre or topic, and then alphabetically. So, for example, all the literary theory is together, all the medieval lit, and then all the novels are arranged by author in alphabetical order. So I usually only spend a moment locating a given text.
There is also a bookshelf in the living room, but those books don't change much. I've also got a shelf on my night-table filled with books, but those are almost always fiction and usually consist of books I want to read soon.
Then there's the office/study. There are a few shelves here, and these are the books that most often change, because I bring things up from the spare room as I need them for whatever project I'm working on. Because of this, they tend to only be loosely arranged by genre or topic, so I have to spend a little time looking through these shelves. Luckily they're small enough it doesn't take long.
Thing is, there's this book I really want to check out for the chapter I'm writing right now, but I've been through my office shelves twice and can't find it. I purchased it specifically for the dissertation, so it should be here. But it's not.
I know it's in my house. I just need to figure out where! Then maybe I need a new system...
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
RBOC: end of semester version
Because I've started about 20 blog posts in my head over the last week, none of which feel like a full post, I give you bullets instead...
- Students are starting to panic - big time - and I'm finding myself fairly unsympathetic. I feel like I've given them every opportunity to get with the program, and some of them just haven't.
- I've been doing the voiceover work for one of our elearning projects. It's been an interesting learning experience about my own "reading voice" and it is very strange to hear your own voice as you review every file to make sure it's complete.
- We've decided that there must be an unwritten rule that at every Science Cafe, someone has to ask a question about pseudoscience (last night's was about crystals and auras at a neurology lecture). Amusing, and I have to admire the speakers' ability not to laugh at the questions.
- I've heard back on one of those things I was waiting on - whoppee!
- I hate daylight savings. Especially when it means the sun is down before school is out. How does this save us money??
- I went to a bar with "dueling pianos" over the weekend. I've been to piano bars before. But this was something very, very different. And a lot more fun than I thought it would be. The audience interaction was fun and entertaining, especially the two stagettes...
Saturday, November 22, 2008
For me, hell will be a waiting room
I am waiting.
I am waiting to hear back from my advisor about meeting.
I am waiting to hear from my other committee members about submitted chapters.
I am waiting to receive files for my online work so I can finish one project.
I am waiting to hear back about a conference paper and article proposal. (I have all but given up waiting on the other proposal that's floating around out there)
I am waiting to find out what office I will be in at work since the woman whose desk I'm sitting at returns next semester.
And yet, despite all this waiting, I still have so many other tasks that have yet to be accomplished. The problem with this situation, is that I'm not a terribly patient person. I don't like waiting. Especially when it's something that I'm anxious about, and I've been especially anxious about my scholarly output in the last few months. So I wait, but it would be a mistake to say I wait patiently.
Inspired by PhD Mamas... who speak so much more eloquently about their waiting than I.
I am waiting to hear back from my advisor about meeting.
I am waiting to hear from my other committee members about submitted chapters.
I am waiting to receive files for my online work so I can finish one project.
I am waiting to hear back about a conference paper and article proposal. (I have all but given up waiting on the other proposal that's floating around out there)
I am waiting to find out what office I will be in at work since the woman whose desk I'm sitting at returns next semester.
And yet, despite all this waiting, I still have so many other tasks that have yet to be accomplished. The problem with this situation, is that I'm not a terribly patient person. I don't like waiting. Especially when it's something that I'm anxious about, and I've been especially anxious about my scholarly output in the last few months. So I wait, but it would be a mistake to say I wait patiently.
Inspired by PhD Mamas... who speak so much more eloquently about their waiting than I.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
When Worlds Collide
Organizers and non-organizers (free spirits?) should never mix. It just seems to breed irritation on both sides.
You've probably guessed by now that I'm an organizer. I like knowing how my day will unfold. I don't think I'm obsessive. I can go on a vacation and wake up every morning without a plan. But when I need to be working i.e. not on vacation, I like to know what my day will hold. Not every little detail. But I like knowing what blocks of time are committed to interactions with other people, which ones I can spend in front of the computer, which ones are dedicated to teaching, or meetings, or other things that I need to attend.
Right now, with my online work, part of what I need to do is to produce content with an outside contractor. I get along very well with this contractor... when we meet.
Planning ahead to meet is really, really tough though. It may have something to do with our different industries. Education usually has semesters, deadlines, objectives, goals etc. That's me. Suits me very nicely. I actually like having my semester all planned out ahead of time, and my schedules very rarely change because I'm comfortable with planning months ahead.
Creative types, like the contractor, tend to operate more fluidly, working when the urge hits. Thing is, it's hard to plan for urges to hit, right? So in collaborating, I don't know at the beginning of a day whether we'll collaborate that day. And creative types tend to be night owls. So I can't even call to find out if we can collaborate that day until the afternoon.
Drives me nuts.
The problem is really only becoming apparent during this project, because it's so huge that we need to collaborate over multiple sessions. Before, we'd always met over one or two sessions at the most, which made it easier to plan (or at least minimized the non-planning to small snippets that were manageable).
We'll be shopping for a new contractor for the next project I think, particularly if it's a large project again. But right now? We need at least another two collaboration sessions. *sigh* I have absolutely no idea when they'll take place. A horrendous way to work as far as I'm concerned.
You've probably guessed by now that I'm an organizer. I like knowing how my day will unfold. I don't think I'm obsessive. I can go on a vacation and wake up every morning without a plan. But when I need to be working i.e. not on vacation, I like to know what my day will hold. Not every little detail. But I like knowing what blocks of time are committed to interactions with other people, which ones I can spend in front of the computer, which ones are dedicated to teaching, or meetings, or other things that I need to attend.
Right now, with my online work, part of what I need to do is to produce content with an outside contractor. I get along very well with this contractor... when we meet.
Planning ahead to meet is really, really tough though. It may have something to do with our different industries. Education usually has semesters, deadlines, objectives, goals etc. That's me. Suits me very nicely. I actually like having my semester all planned out ahead of time, and my schedules very rarely change because I'm comfortable with planning months ahead.
Creative types, like the contractor, tend to operate more fluidly, working when the urge hits. Thing is, it's hard to plan for urges to hit, right? So in collaborating, I don't know at the beginning of a day whether we'll collaborate that day. And creative types tend to be night owls. So I can't even call to find out if we can collaborate that day until the afternoon.
Drives me nuts.
The problem is really only becoming apparent during this project, because it's so huge that we need to collaborate over multiple sessions. Before, we'd always met over one or two sessions at the most, which made it easier to plan (or at least minimized the non-planning to small snippets that were manageable).
We'll be shopping for a new contractor for the next project I think, particularly if it's a large project again. But right now? We need at least another two collaboration sessions. *sigh* I have absolutely no idea when they'll take place. A horrendous way to work as far as I'm concerned.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
There's a saying...
... what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
And I suppose in a lot of cases, the saying is right on. But why is it those things that don't kill you have to do so much damage before they make you stronger? Hmmm?
I suspect this setback will make me stronger. I know already it's made me feel simultaneously less and more reliant on my committee members. In a weird way, both seem like a good thing. But this second guessing myself all the time is really starting to get tiring. I've resumed working - which is good - but I'm not moving forward.
You'll notice the dissertation meter really hasn't moved in the last month.
Part of that is because I'm doing a lot of revision - which is good because I like what I'm changing. But part of it is because I'm stuck on the new material. I feel like the writing strategy I've been employing for the chapters to date must be flawed. Which means I need a new strategy. I just am not finding it.
I'm trying to begin a new chapter, but I'm afraid to commit words to paper. I feel like if I put something down that isn't right, I'll get stuck in a bad writing mode and produce a bad chapter that will have to be entirely re-written anyway. It's making me freeze up when I try to write. I've never had that problem before.
I've had tough writing patches - who hasn't? But I've always been able to devise a work-around that gets me back to the writing, whether that's a change in pace, format, attention, audience, you name it. Nothing's working now.
As you can tell by this post, I'm scattered and random in my thinking about this chapter.
Worse, my attitude toward it is changing too. At first, I thought this chapter would be interesting, a revolutionary way of looking at the material. At weaker moments, I had grandiose ideas about its revolutionary nature, but in my more sober moments, I could still see how it would be interesting - the kind of thing that crossed genres and techniques in a really productive and interesting way. I was cautious about putting it into the prospectus, because I felt like it would be a challenge and would propose some rather unusual things, but I worked through what I thought was a reasonable argument for why it should be undertaken and felt confident proposing it as a chapter.
And I must have had something there because the committee approved the prospectus after all, right?
Thing is, now all I can see is disaster. Instead of a novel approach to genre and content, it now just feels silly. As much as I'm trying not to let my committee's lack of faith in me affect me, it is, and now I don't know if I can pull off this chapter.
I know what you're thinking. If I'm stuck in contemplating this chapter, why not write a different chapter instead? And that would be good advice. I have given myself that advice as well. Thing is, the other chapter that needs to be written, the one that I've been looking forward to, thinking it was the culmination and glory of the whole dissertation - yeah, that one - I'm starting to think looks like crap too.
Yeah.
Depressing thought, isn't it?
I have faith that this will all work out and I'll get my writing feet back under me. But right now, it's not happening. I'll continue to struggle, and it will make me stronger, but I sure do wish I could just struggle under the writing, not the writing AND the self-doubt.
And I suppose in a lot of cases, the saying is right on. But why is it those things that don't kill you have to do so much damage before they make you stronger? Hmmm?
I suspect this setback will make me stronger. I know already it's made me feel simultaneously less and more reliant on my committee members. In a weird way, both seem like a good thing. But this second guessing myself all the time is really starting to get tiring. I've resumed working - which is good - but I'm not moving forward.
You'll notice the dissertation meter really hasn't moved in the last month.
Part of that is because I'm doing a lot of revision - which is good because I like what I'm changing. But part of it is because I'm stuck on the new material. I feel like the writing strategy I've been employing for the chapters to date must be flawed. Which means I need a new strategy. I just am not finding it.
I'm trying to begin a new chapter, but I'm afraid to commit words to paper. I feel like if I put something down that isn't right, I'll get stuck in a bad writing mode and produce a bad chapter that will have to be entirely re-written anyway. It's making me freeze up when I try to write. I've never had that problem before.
I've had tough writing patches - who hasn't? But I've always been able to devise a work-around that gets me back to the writing, whether that's a change in pace, format, attention, audience, you name it. Nothing's working now.
As you can tell by this post, I'm scattered and random in my thinking about this chapter.
Worse, my attitude toward it is changing too. At first, I thought this chapter would be interesting, a revolutionary way of looking at the material. At weaker moments, I had grandiose ideas about its revolutionary nature, but in my more sober moments, I could still see how it would be interesting - the kind of thing that crossed genres and techniques in a really productive and interesting way. I was cautious about putting it into the prospectus, because I felt like it would be a challenge and would propose some rather unusual things, but I worked through what I thought was a reasonable argument for why it should be undertaken and felt confident proposing it as a chapter.
And I must have had something there because the committee approved the prospectus after all, right?
Thing is, now all I can see is disaster. Instead of a novel approach to genre and content, it now just feels silly. As much as I'm trying not to let my committee's lack of faith in me affect me, it is, and now I don't know if I can pull off this chapter.
I know what you're thinking. If I'm stuck in contemplating this chapter, why not write a different chapter instead? And that would be good advice. I have given myself that advice as well. Thing is, the other chapter that needs to be written, the one that I've been looking forward to, thinking it was the culmination and glory of the whole dissertation - yeah, that one - I'm starting to think looks like crap too.
Yeah.
Depressing thought, isn't it?
I have faith that this will all work out and I'll get my writing feet back under me. But right now, it's not happening. I'll continue to struggle, and it will make me stronger, but I sure do wish I could just struggle under the writing, not the writing AND the self-doubt.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Today my office mate shared this newspaper article with me.
All I can say?
holy spimoni.
I hate to sound old, but things have most definitely changed.
The one that gets me?
Percentage of students agreeing with the statement:
All I can say?
holy spimoni.
I hate to sound old, but things have most definitely changed.
The one that gets me?
Percentage of students agreeing with the statement:
A professor should be willing to meet with me at a time that works best for me, even if inconvenient for the professor - 11.2%
Monday, November 10, 2008
I hate Mondays
I usually don't hate Mondays. I'm not really one of those people who is so in love with the weekend (or so in hate with their workplace) that they hate the thought of the weekend ending.
But this term I've grown to dislike Mondays. Today, that dislike is threatening to escalate.
See, Mondays I teach at two places and have to travel during rush hour (through downtown) to get from one to the other. So the traveling isn't fun.
The first class is okay, but it's always hard to not feel resentment at having to go all the way to school just for a two hour class - somehow it's always easier if there are other things that need to get done as well. The second class is starting to get rough. Students are starting to grade grub and there is one who is starting to challenge me every class - not on the material - that I could handle - but on my pedagogy, which annoys me to no end. Slapping hir down has not seemed to stem the tide, and I'm getting frustrated at the continued attempt. Now that the midterm is over, I suspect the challenging will stop, or morph, so I'll be interested to see what tonight brings.
And today I have to track down someone for the online work who is notoriously bad for responding to messages. I may have to actually squeeze in a stop at his house and bang on his door between classes to get the answer I want. So unprofessional - ugh!
Part of the problem is that I don't teach till the afternoon, so in the morning, I've got between 3 and 4 hours to do something. It's not a full day, and it's not an hour here or there, so it feels hard to slot something into it. I feel like the work I do either needs one hour time slots, or full days. I know, I know. I could just slot three - one hour tasks in, right? But that feels so terribly schizophrenic as I jump from one topic to another, it makes it hard to really concentrate.
Mostly I dislike Mondays because there's a lot of work crammed into it, but it also involves a lot of paper pushing, driving, and generally dealing with a schedule that is less than exciting.
At least tonight after class, I am meeting a friend for a drink. It's what will get me through the day, even if it's not for another twelve hours!
But this term I've grown to dislike Mondays. Today, that dislike is threatening to escalate.
See, Mondays I teach at two places and have to travel during rush hour (through downtown) to get from one to the other. So the traveling isn't fun.
The first class is okay, but it's always hard to not feel resentment at having to go all the way to school just for a two hour class - somehow it's always easier if there are other things that need to get done as well. The second class is starting to get rough. Students are starting to grade grub and there is one who is starting to challenge me every class - not on the material - that I could handle - but on my pedagogy, which annoys me to no end. Slapping hir down has not seemed to stem the tide, and I'm getting frustrated at the continued attempt. Now that the midterm is over, I suspect the challenging will stop, or morph, so I'll be interested to see what tonight brings.
And today I have to track down someone for the online work who is notoriously bad for responding to messages. I may have to actually squeeze in a stop at his house and bang on his door between classes to get the answer I want. So unprofessional - ugh!
Part of the problem is that I don't teach till the afternoon, so in the morning, I've got between 3 and 4 hours to do something. It's not a full day, and it's not an hour here or there, so it feels hard to slot something into it. I feel like the work I do either needs one hour time slots, or full days. I know, I know. I could just slot three - one hour tasks in, right? But that feels so terribly schizophrenic as I jump from one topic to another, it makes it hard to really concentrate.
Mostly I dislike Mondays because there's a lot of work crammed into it, but it also involves a lot of paper pushing, driving, and generally dealing with a schedule that is less than exciting.
At least tonight after class, I am meeting a friend for a drink. It's what will get me through the day, even if it's not for another twelve hours!
Friday, November 07, 2008
Organizing and getting back on track
Okay, so November is the month of NaNoWriMo and InaDWriMo. As regular readers might know, I participated in NaNoWriMo in 2006 and was successful in reaching the goal!
I've missed the boat on starting InaDWriMo (International Dissertation Writing Month) since I was feeling to disoriented by the no-longer-on-the-job-market episode. I have re-started work, so that's good. And I'm to the point where I can listen to other people's job searches with only the mildest of regrets.
But I still am avoiding thinking about it too much.
So. I've got lots to do. Especially since now I need to recover the time spent on the false job-start. And my online work has gotten the green light on two projects that have been sitting on the back burner for months and now need to be completed ASAP. So in the spirit of InaDWriMo, I'm setting the following (dissertation and non-dissertation) goals for November:
It's a big list. I know. I may not make it through all of it. But I'm hoping to get very close. I'll report my progress as the month unfolds.
I've missed the boat on starting InaDWriMo (International Dissertation Writing Month) since I was feeling to disoriented by the no-longer-on-the-job-market episode. I have re-started work, so that's good. And I'm to the point where I can listen to other people's job searches with only the mildest of regrets.
But I still am avoiding thinking about it too much.
So. I've got lots to do. Especially since now I need to recover the time spent on the false job-start. And my online work has gotten the green light on two projects that have been sitting on the back burner for months and now need to be completed ASAP. So in the spirit of InaDWriMo, I'm setting the following (dissertation and non-dissertation) goals for November:
complete edits on chapter 2 based on October feedback- evaluate and re-vise online content sample for academic client
- re-insert edited writing sample back into chapter 3 and finish edits
- draft theory and _Satanic Verses_ sections of chapter 4
- finish audio recording, pdfs, and graphic generation of content for online trade client
- expand theory section of the paper I was invited to submit to (respectable) journal after receiving positive feedback during last conference presentation
- draft content for online social service client so that it's ready for audio, video, and graphics production in December
It's a big list. I know. I may not make it through all of it. But I'm hoping to get very close. I'll report my progress as the month unfolds.
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Thanks!
A big thanks to everyone who commented, called or sent a message over the last week. Although I'm still a bit bruised by the affair, I think I've at least got to the point where I'm able to let it go and focus on the future instead. I'm still a bit shaken, but I'm hopeful that it will pass and I will get my feet under me again.
So thanks everyone! Your notes and messages really helped me put the whole episode in perspective and got me back on track. You know who you are, and I just want you to know what wonderful things I think of you!
Monday, November 03, 2008
Recovering
I did manage to re-start writing on the dissertation over the weekend. It's still hard going because I feel like I'm second guessing myself constantly, but I'm producing words, and right now, at least that's a first step.
Wish me luck salvaging this thing in time to get back on track!
Wish me luck salvaging this thing in time to get back on track!
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Boom!
On the weekend I got a phone call from the dissertation director informing me that my committee members would not be providing me with recommendation letters for job applications.
Needless to say, it feels like my world has just imploded. I realize my world is more than just a job, or more than just a dissertation, but if I blogged a couple of weeks ago about having the wind knocked out of me by the work load, then this week it would be more appropriate to suggest the proverbial broadside-by-semi-truck.
My first reaction was to question the point of it all. It felt like my whole project, my whole degree was in question. It still feels that way.
I also felt humiliated that I had thought, and told people, that I was going on the market only to have the people who hold my fate in their hands pull their support. I still feel like a fool for having gotten excited about the prospect and for spending so much time over the last month preparing the things I needed, only to find that the thing I need the most - recommendation letters - I would not be getting.
Just to clarify. I had spoken to each of my committee members who had indicated they would be happy to write letters. Two of those committee members even discussed my list of postings within the past two weeks and helped me revise them. If that doesn't send the message that I should be expecting their support, I must be crazy... or dense... or both. And they have admitted that they "regret" that they told me yes and now are telling me no. Regret? That's not the word I would use for it.
I also feel despair. I mean, what the hell is the point of all this if my committee think I can't do it? Or worse, when I have a committee that jerks me around like this? I feel foolish for trusting their word, for thinking I was ready, for spending all this time and energy this month (and the months leading up to it) preparing, planning, drafting documents, all to have it pulled. Well, either foolish, or made a fool of. But being made to play the fool doesn't feel any better than having been a fool myself.
They tell that this doesn't mean the dissertation is the problem. But it is. Or if it isn't, I am. Either way, I'm pretty invested in both of them - the dissertation, and myself. Either way, it feels like a slap. Either way, it feels like I've been judged as lacking. That I've been told I'm not capable of this. That hurts in ways that I'm having real difficulty moving past. It's shaken my self-perception in very fundamental ways.
But mostly today I'm angry. I'm angry that I was told one thing, then another. I'm angry that I haven't gotten the support I need to be ready for this thing. I'm angry that the way I've had to work because of my committee's preferences in dealing with my long-distance work has delayed me, leading to this decision. I'm angry that I've gotten more email communication about this denial of help in the last three days than I have gotten email support of my work over the last three months.
I'm angry that I wasted the month of October and much of September doing work that is now utterly useless. The job letter will need to be re-drafted next year, and the hours and hours of researching schools is all a waste since the schools next year will all be different.
I'm angry that I spent hundreds of dollars on postage and non-refundable airline tickets to the conference where interviews would take place. I'm angry that I pushed the four other members of my family to book off specific dates for our Christmas celebration just so I could go to this conference that I now have no reason to attend. I'm angry that this messed with my family's plans, not just mine.
I feel betrayed. I feel like I can't trust any of these people anymore. If they're willing to change their mind at the last moment about something so critical (at least to me), what else are they willing to do? I understand that it's their prerogative to put their names to a recommendation letter or not, but I'm having problems with the way it unfolded. If they'd said this in July when I first asked, it would've been disappointing, but not nearly as earth-shattering as it feels right now.
I can't work. I've tried. I need to recover this lost time (I can't recover the lost money after all) but I can't write. I start crying or cursing when I try. The only thing that keeps me from obsessing over this setback is watching movies. I can't even read, which is my favorite mode of escape. Every time I read, I can't help but think that I'm a failure at even this, at the literature that I love. What good am I if I can't even do this thing that I love???
I know I'll get through this - I'm too damn stubborn to give up... even when it might actually be prudent to do so.... But right now, I'm just not able to move on.
Friday, October 24, 2008
What's in a Name?
Or, more accurately, what's in a title?
When I grow up, I wanna be a professor.
[remainder of post deleted - after this weekend, it just seemed utterly ridiculous]
[I realize there's a blogging convention that you never actually pull something after posting it, but I've always felt that seemed a bit restrictive since each blogger controls his or her own space, which should include being able to change the material on the site. If I have offended in doing this, I'm sorry. I just can't bear the thought of leaving the original post up any more. It just feels too humiliating]
When I grow up, I wanna be a professor.
[remainder of post deleted - after this weekend, it just seemed utterly ridiculous]
[I realize there's a blogging convention that you never actually pull something after posting it, but I've always felt that seemed a bit restrictive since each blogger controls his or her own space, which should include being able to change the material on the site. If I have offended in doing this, I'm sorry. I just can't bear the thought of leaving the original post up any more. It just feels too humiliating]
Thursday, October 16, 2008
oofff!
In case you're wondering, that's the sound you make when life gently broadsides you, knocking the wind out of your sails, just when you thought you were merrily getting by.
[Like how I managed to mix metaphors AND sneak in the blog title? I thought you would.]
My office looks like something exploded in it between the dumping of things when I got home from Georgia, and the digging out of other things in order to start generating the job letters I need to get sent out very soon. And speaking of job applications - wow! - does it every take a long time to properly tailor a letter to an academic job. Just wow. At this rate, I'll be ready to apply for these jobs NEXT year. Wow.
So blogging will likely continue to be sparse while I dig my way out of this mess. Wish me luck in all of it, k?
[Like how I managed to mix metaphors AND sneak in the blog title? I thought you would.]
My office looks like something exploded in it between the dumping of things when I got home from Georgia, and the digging out of other things in order to start generating the job letters I need to get sent out very soon. And speaking of job applications - wow! - does it every take a long time to properly tailor a letter to an academic job. Just wow. At this rate, I'll be ready to apply for these jobs NEXT year. Wow.
So blogging will likely continue to be sparse while I dig my way out of this mess. Wish me luck in all of it, k?
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Georgia and back
Okay, well I haven't left Georgia yet - I head out in about a half hour. But the conference here was fabulous, and my wonderful friend who organized it pulled off a coup in that everyone absolutely enjoyed it despite what she saw as all the things that went wrong.
But I have made a note to myself not to try to organize a conference in the first couple of years as an Assistant Professor (provided that's where my life and abilities take me!) My panel went very well and we had some good conversation after the presentation. I feel like the time frame was a bit of a problem because it felt like I glossed over some of what I wanted to say in the interests of fitting within the time, but overall, I think I made my points.
The panel I chaired was great fun too - well, except for the fact that we had a non-topic related panelist added on in the last minute, and the conversation about that paper threatened to erupt into a heated discussion that really would've taken us away from the purpose of the panel. But we got back on track so it's all good.
I'm just trying for the next few minutes to enjoy the warm sun and air here before I head back home. I know I'd hate the summer heat, but boy is it nice down here in October! More later.
But I have made a note to myself not to try to organize a conference in the first couple of years as an Assistant Professor (provided that's where my life and abilities take me!) My panel went very well and we had some good conversation after the presentation. I feel like the time frame was a bit of a problem because it felt like I glossed over some of what I wanted to say in the interests of fitting within the time, but overall, I think I made my points.
The panel I chaired was great fun too - well, except for the fact that we had a non-topic related panelist added on in the last minute, and the conversation about that paper threatened to erupt into a heated discussion that really would've taken us away from the purpose of the panel. But we got back on track so it's all good.
I'm just trying for the next few minutes to enjoy the warm sun and air here before I head back home. I know I'd hate the summer heat, but boy is it nice down here in October! More later.
Sunday, October 05, 2008
Auto Blogging!
Holy Snapping Duck Do! I just got a bajillion whiny emails saying I have not updated this since they invented sliced bread... You would not believe that my hands were chopped off and I was waiting for bionic ones. Apologies to my regular readers! Even the little blue ones!.
I am hopped up on caffeine with setting fire to people wearing Crocs, watching Dexter, just generally being a nuisance to every Lost Boy that crosses my path, my day is full to bursting from the first cockadoodledoo from the rooster till I run out of alcohol. I am putting money aside so I can run away. and that I can take that big badge off my head that says bad mother.
I won't promise anything to you but I will write something that makes sense soon. No, really! Don't hold your breath though, you're likely to turn blue.
Courtesy: The Lazy Blogger
I am hopped up on caffeine with setting fire to people wearing Crocs, watching Dexter, just generally being a nuisance to every Lost Boy that crosses my path, my day is full to bursting from the first cockadoodledoo from the rooster till I run out of alcohol. I am putting money aside so I can run away. and that I can take that big badge off my head that says bad mother.
I won't promise anything to you but I will write something that makes sense soon. No, really! Don't hold your breath though, you're likely to turn blue.
Courtesy: The Lazy Blogger
Thursday, October 02, 2008
Wow! That's intense (and scary)!
In the past few weeks several parts of my life have come to the fore, each vying for importance and attention. In my darker moments, I think it's more like ALL, not SEVERAL parts!
This has meant I've been working almost non-stop for several weeks, over very long hours. But it's not the working that's getting to me. What's getting to me is the accompanying sense of anxiety that at any moment I will forget something critical and all those juggling balls will come tumbling down. Working long hours is tiring, but that's all it is. Working long hours with the constant suspicion that you're forgetting something even more important is anxiety-provoking.
I did forget to photocopy some materials and bring them to a class I was teaching. But since I always overprepare for classes, I had plenty of other things to do and will bring the photocopies (and the activity they're for) to the next class.
And I've been fairly good about continuing to exercise, so that helps keep me on track.
But then something happened earlier this week that scared me. And I know it happened as a result of this persistent juggling trick involving staying on top of everything at the same time.
I actually had a moment - just a moment mind you - when I pulled up at a red light and something along the lines of "what is that? red light. okay. wait. does red mean stop? yes. it means stop. green is go - red is stop. okay. gotta brake" went through my head.
Yikes!
This has meant I've been working almost non-stop for several weeks, over very long hours. But it's not the working that's getting to me. What's getting to me is the accompanying sense of anxiety that at any moment I will forget something critical and all those juggling balls will come tumbling down. Working long hours is tiring, but that's all it is. Working long hours with the constant suspicion that you're forgetting something even more important is anxiety-provoking.
I did forget to photocopy some materials and bring them to a class I was teaching. But since I always overprepare for classes, I had plenty of other things to do and will bring the photocopies (and the activity they're for) to the next class.
And I've been fairly good about continuing to exercise, so that helps keep me on track.
But then something happened earlier this week that scared me. And I know it happened as a result of this persistent juggling trick involving staying on top of everything at the same time.
I actually had a moment - just a moment mind you - when I pulled up at a red light and something along the lines of "what is that? red light. okay. wait. does red mean stop? yes. it means stop. green is go - red is stop. okay. gotta brake" went through my head.
Yikes!
Sunday, September 28, 2008
The "scientific" proof of my genius!
What Your Socks Say About You |
 You Are: - Simply outstanding - Brave to the core - A person of depth - Infinitely wise |
Friday, September 26, 2008
The agonies of fashion
Ladies, want to know why men rule the world?
Because they don't spend almost 4 hours to get their hair done and buy a new work outfit! That's why.
4 hours!
Mind you, it's a snazzy new do and I love it. But with the time and $$ it cost, I'm glad I only do this once every 7 or 8 years. How in the world do people manage it on a more frequent basis? After all, that's 4 hours less that I had available for course prep, or marking, or writing, or reading, or job letters... or even something more enjoyable... you get the idea.
Hokey doodles!
Because they don't spend almost 4 hours to get their hair done and buy a new work outfit! That's why.
4 hours!
Mind you, it's a snazzy new do and I love it. But with the time and $$ it cost, I'm glad I only do this once every 7 or 8 years. How in the world do people manage it on a more frequent basis? After all, that's 4 hours less that I had available for course prep, or marking, or writing, or reading, or job letters... or even something more enjoyable... you get the idea.
Hokey doodles!
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Mixed messages
Has it ever happened to you that right at the time you need to be the most productive, you start to question whether you can do what you need to do? I don't mean questioning if you can get it done in time - I do that all the time. I mean questioning whether you're capable of it?
Right now I'm getting mixed messages from my committee members about my progress. No, not about my progress. About my ability to do this thing. Advisor #1 has given me good feedback - some of which was a bit distressing because I hadn't realized the glaring problem was there, but good. Advisor #1 is also fully supportive of the run at the market this fall, which is reassuring.
Advisor #2 just sent me some feedback, but it seems to suggest that the two chapters that I've just spent six months sweating over aren't necessary and might not be included in the dissertation. !?! Advisor #2 is also supportive of the job run, but this latest feedback suggests some doubt about the schedule I've set for myself.
[Advisor #3 is silent and has been on all fronts for a long time, which I'm trying not to worry about]
But the latest response from #2 is making me wonder who I should believe. Is #1 correct that I'm on the right track and have a reasonable schedule? Or is #2 correct that my work isn't on track and might not be manageable given the schedule I have set for myself? Whose vision is more accurate?
I know what you're thinking, and I've told it to myself as well. The person who knows best how it's going is me. I should be able to tell which view of this project is most accurate. And my answer is that I'm doing fine and can get this done on my schedule.
But if that's the case, why doesn't #2 see it? I am still a student after all. Perhaps I have the wrong idea of what is needed? Perhaps I don't really have what it takes to write a dissertation. I've successfully written seminar papers, but maybe I can't translate that to the book length project that is the dissertation? What if I'm not really cut out for this career?
I tell myself I've come this far, I've presented conference papers that have gone over well (for the most part - there was one fairly notable stinker in the lot, but overall they've been well received). I've got a couple of things published (I've also had a rejection, but everybody does, right?), and I even won a student prize for an essay. So I must be capable of this, right?
But there's that nasty little voice of doubt that tells me that was all luck and then I start thinking ridiculous things like: What if #2 is right and I'm the first person in the history of the department to fail the defense? I did have one rather spectacular failure during the degree already, maybe the rest has just been people not wanting to tell me the truth.
Ugh. Why is it that I doubt myself now? Is it just continued fall out from that earlier failure? Is it because I really am prescient and can see that this won't work? Then I wonder just how much validation I need to know that I am supposed to be doing this. How many successes will it take to counter those couple of negatives?
And all of this is coming to a head right now in the midst of job material preparation. Self-doubt isn't a great selling strategy for the job search now, is it? I've got to get past this!
Right now I'm getting mixed messages from my committee members about my progress. No, not about my progress. About my ability to do this thing. Advisor #1 has given me good feedback - some of which was a bit distressing because I hadn't realized the glaring problem was there, but good. Advisor #1 is also fully supportive of the run at the market this fall, which is reassuring.
Advisor #2 just sent me some feedback, but it seems to suggest that the two chapters that I've just spent six months sweating over aren't necessary and might not be included in the dissertation. !?! Advisor #2 is also supportive of the job run, but this latest feedback suggests some doubt about the schedule I've set for myself.
[Advisor #3 is silent and has been on all fronts for a long time, which I'm trying not to worry about]
But the latest response from #2 is making me wonder who I should believe. Is #1 correct that I'm on the right track and have a reasonable schedule? Or is #2 correct that my work isn't on track and might not be manageable given the schedule I have set for myself? Whose vision is more accurate?
I know what you're thinking, and I've told it to myself as well. The person who knows best how it's going is me. I should be able to tell which view of this project is most accurate. And my answer is that I'm doing fine and can get this done on my schedule.
But if that's the case, why doesn't #2 see it? I am still a student after all. Perhaps I have the wrong idea of what is needed? Perhaps I don't really have what it takes to write a dissertation. I've successfully written seminar papers, but maybe I can't translate that to the book length project that is the dissertation? What if I'm not really cut out for this career?
I tell myself I've come this far, I've presented conference papers that have gone over well (for the most part - there was one fairly notable stinker in the lot, but overall they've been well received). I've got a couple of things published (I've also had a rejection, but everybody does, right?), and I even won a student prize for an essay. So I must be capable of this, right?
But there's that nasty little voice of doubt that tells me that was all luck and then I start thinking ridiculous things like: What if #2 is right and I'm the first person in the history of the department to fail the defense? I did have one rather spectacular failure during the degree already, maybe the rest has just been people not wanting to tell me the truth.
Ugh. Why is it that I doubt myself now? Is it just continued fall out from that earlier failure? Is it because I really am prescient and can see that this won't work? Then I wonder just how much validation I need to know that I am supposed to be doing this. How many successes will it take to counter those couple of negatives?
And all of this is coming to a head right now in the midst of job material preparation. Self-doubt isn't a great selling strategy for the job search now, is it? I've got to get past this!
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