I'm tired. How tired...?
I'm so tired that words fail me.
Or, to put it another way. I've doubted my ability to perform the scholarly work that I've undertaken in the PhD more than once during the process. I don't doubt I have the academic chops to do this work anymore. But I am starting to wonder if I have the stamina...!
Whew!
RBOC: Light at the End of the Tunnel Version
Three weeks to go.
- I have six more 8 am classes to teach. Not that I don't like my 8 am class - the students are great! and they're the one group that is still mostly all working and attending. But I really hate getting up early enough to get there for that class. So it will be nice when I don't have to do that any longer.
- I've had three 'date to withdraw' conversations with students. Two will probably stay, and one is deciding. Two more who should have the conversation with me are avoiding class and email contact. Their loss.
- I am saddened and depressed by the thought that the days will continue to get shorter for another five weeks. As much as I love those loooong summer evenings, we sure do pay in the winter.
- I am attending a conference for the first time in many, many years just as a participant. It's in two weeks, and although the timing is less than ideal, I will get to see some friends and hopefully pick up the draft of my dissertation from one of my readers. That means I can see how bad the state of things are, and get cracking on revisions. Good news.
- In another three weeks, I have to finish a book review and polish off the draft of an article. The timeline's tight, but doable if nothing goes wrong. Here's hoping the pigs don't infect me!
- I'm learning to juggle! I'm really, really bad at it right now. I can only manage a couple of passes with two balls without losing them. But it's kinda neat, and I'm sure with practice, I'll get much better at it. Who says you can't teach old dogs new tricks?
Joy of Teaching #16
One of the best things about teaching are the conversations you have with students who have made a conscious decision to attend.
The students I'm talking about are usually a little older (but sometimes only a year or two out of high school). They usually haven't tried something else and are now in their plan B position, but sometimes they are.
The students I'm talking about are the ones who are absolutely delighted with the idea of learning. They have decided to attend school for deliberate reasons (which do not involve 'getting a job' or 'making money') and they know what they want: an education.
I've had several of these students before, but this semester I have one who is eager to learn (but with enough wisdom not to monopolize classtime like some eager-beavers).
That's why it almost broke my heart to grade this student's last paper at a 'C' level because it failed to properly cite sources. It was a brilliant paper, well-written, nicely balancing the different tasks assigned for the paper. But it totally blew the citations. So I had to grade it down.
I hated it, but I couldn't in good conscience give it a higher mark with citation problems. Then I'd have to let everyone slide a bit, and then they'd never think it was important. And it is. I'm not just towing the party line on this one - I think citation is critical to academic work. So I lowered the grade.
The student got it. Although disappointed with the mark, the student told me it was a mistake that would not be repeated, which is a kind of learning I suppose. I hated that it came with such a high price tag - an 'A' paper earning a 'C' grade - but it was a lesson learned. And sometimes those tough lessons are the ones that stick with us. But it was a hard grade to assign.
The student? Absolutely engaged, eager to learn, and understanding that sometimes the mistakes we make cannot be overlooked and they have to hurt in order to be remembered. A student like that is one of them that makes teaching worthwhile, knowing that what you are saying and doing is not just interpreted as 'what the teacher wants' but 'what the expert says I need to do'.
Perhaps I enjoy such students because they validate my own sense of expertise in the classroom. I admit that could very well be a big part of what joy I get from teaching such students. But I'd like to think I enjoy teaching them because they get why I do what I do in the classroom, that it's not about me, but about showing them the way to their own expertise.
The students who are there, wanting to learn, not just pass the course, are ones that bring joy to teaching and make all the other grade grubbing, complaining, plagiarizing ones worth while. Not that there are many of those, but they do drag you down, especially since they tend to come in waves...
You know what's the worst thing about grading?
We talk a lot about how much we dislike grading. I have yet to meet someone who likes that part of the job.
But the worst part about grading?
The sneaking suspicion that despite everyone else's grumbling about it, they still are able to do it faster than you. Oh, and of course they write more erudite comments than I ever seem to be able to.
I just wanted to get that off my chest.
Halfway there!
Yes, we're halfway through the semester. Even if you count exam period, you can pretty much say the semester is half over.
Unfortunately more than half of the work of the course still needs to be completed, especially when I consider the mountain of papers that will still cross my desk before it's over.
But we're halfway.
The other thing that's halfway is my job letters. Yes, I'm almost halfway through my application list.
Of course, if additional postings come up over the next few weeks, that list might grow (that would be good!), but right now I'm halfway through.
But, boy, oh boy! do those application packages take a loooong time to assemble! When every posting wants something slightly different, and each letter needs to be tailor-crafted to the school, there's a lot of time that goes into these things.
The worst part isn't the time though... it's that niggling voice in the back of your head that tells you all these hours of work will come to nothing because no one will call for an interview and you'll be scratching around for work next year.
Man! I hate that voice.
I tell it to shut up all the time, but it just. doesn't. listen.
Today it's practically shouting. I'm thinking sleep might help, but wonder if it might just invade my dreams instead.
Here's hoping it doesn't!
Being pulled in multiple directions
I haven't posted in ages.
It's not that I don't have interesting things to say... I just don't seem to have time to organize my thoughts. Or more precisely, that the only thoughts I have time to organize are the ones directed squarely at clear and measurable aims that have nothing to do with blogging.
It's been a really strange feeling over the last month to be searching for a new job at the same time that I've been trying to throw myself into my brand-new job and do really great at it! But such is the nature of the academic market. I have a ten month term job, but if I want one to follow it once this one ends, I need to start applying right now.
Strange.
At the same time, there's the rather ironic observation that I've been making that throwing myself into a full-time position has actually given me a better appreciation of the kinds of positions I'm applying for in the next academic year.
Doesn't make it any easier to keep two mindsets going at the same time. The only way I can do so is to think of my new job during the weekdays, and my potential job for next year on the evenings and weekends. But it's still a weird division that clashes in my mind occasionally (and has led to some really, really strange dreams, but that's another story!)
I am loving my new job and even survived the week in which 85 papers had to be marked and returned. (It wasn't a pretty week, but I managed it.) We have some really interesting things going on at the school which are exciting, though of course being neck-deep in the middle of the semester sometimes makes it hard to focus on them.
But I wouldn't trade this for a lighter load - I'm learning way too much about how things work to wish the experience away! Here's hoping I find a bit better balance in November so I can return to posting.
Buried
Pick your metaphor, but the long and short is that I'm buried in work and writing letters. It's all so very important, all so very demanding, and all so (just sometimes) disheartening.
I promise to emerge soon... I'm hoping later this week!?
