Notes as a crutch

I'm an extensive note-taker.

Anyone who knows me knows how I extol the virtues of Endnote.

I take notes on pretty much every academic paper, book, or presentation that I come into contact with. But I also record those notes, extensively. I know many people use bibliographic software primarily as a way of creating the Works Cited page, but my "Notes" section of my Endnote files are always huge because I use it as a repository for my notes. I write a lot of detailed notes about a text into the computer, including interesting quotes that I think could be useful in the future as well as summaries of the argument. In fact, I've sometimes had to divide a book into two entries in Endnote because I've exhausted the space available for notes.

My notes are invaluable. At the beginning of any project, searching them helps me get a sense of the breadth of the topic or the research I've done on it, revealing gaps that are entry points into the discourse, or gaps that I need to fill by a visit to the library. Without them, I don't think I'd have as comprehensive a view of the topic or text that I want to write about because I would've forgotten much of what I'd read. Now granted, forgetting some of what I've read wouldn't be a bad idea, but even among largely reductive or simplistic arguments, sometimes there's a gem of a useful idea.

So on my trip I decided to take my laptop. I had hoped to start revisions of the chapter that my advisor and I were supposed to discuss when we met up in San Francisco. My advisor never made it to the conference. Leaving aside how frustrating/angering/futile that made my trip, it meant I had dragged my computer with me for no real good reason.

So on the trip home, I decided I needed to use the computer - after all, I was hauling it around, I might as well use it. So I tried to write some of the next chapter. But of course I hadn't brought all the notes and books I would normally be surrounded by as I wrote.

Thing is, I wrote some good stuff.

Without the notes to rely on, I was forced to think beyond the elements of the argument to the larger picture. Yes, there are places in the writing that I did where there's a note to the effect of "find the quote" and "double check the text" but I got some good work done on the argument in a very general day.

So from now on, sometime near the beginning of a writing project, I'm going to force myself and my computer out to a coffee shop - sans notes - to write as much as possible without the crutch of notes. Then I figure it would make sense to come back and refer to the notes and texts to fill in the skeleton.

So maybe the trip wasn't a total waste after all...

Happy holidays!

I am off in an hour to internet-less land, so have a happy holiday season, drive safe, don't embarass yourself, and be good to the little people....

What is a posthuman?

I've been struggling with the definition of the posthuman, in part because I need to have a clear idea of it in my own head in order to shape the dissertation chapters into a coherent whole, rather than a set of discrete essays, since the underlying figure in all the texts is the posthuman. Right now, each chapter defines the posthuman for its own purpose.

But I also feel like I need to be able to define a posthuman at some point - ideally in the introduction, or perhaps after exploring all its manifestations, in the conclusion. Either way, I need at some point to be able to say just what it is.

One the one hand, a posthuman seems to be a fairly simple thing to define, after all, it's something that doesn't exist yet, so the imagination is free to create the posthuman in whatever shape seems appropriate to the moment.

But unlike the cyborg, with which it is closely affiliated, the posthuman is a little harder to define. After all, the cyb-org - cybernetic organism - is at its most basic core a cybernetic organism, that is, it is an organism that can be controlled. In popular culture, this means that it is a merging of flesh - organism - and machine - control. If you look at the pop culture references to cyborgs, such as the Terminator or Robocop, you get the idea.

But while a cyborg may be a posthuman, the posthuman is more than just a cyborg. It can take many shapes.

Transhumanists - real people out there who are embracing the idea that humans will change in the near future - offer a kind of bridge between the human right now, and the posthuman. But because the posthuman is "post" the bridge may hint at what it would look like, but cannot define it.

Defining what constitutes the posthuman is complicated by the fact that it is a compound word, and the meaning changes depending on which part of the word you emphasize.

A posthuman would be a creature that comes after human, but a posthuman, emphasizes the way in which the human is maintained in its "post" state. These could be two entirely different creatures, and the latter - the posthuman - is the one what I suspect most transhumanists would recognize, while the former - the posthuman - is probably more often what we encounter in science fiction literature and film.

I suppose through this blog post I've started to find my way to a solution for the problem of defining the posthuman, that is, by defining it as posthuman and posthuman, rather than choosing one over the other.

What do you think?

Rejection in academia

I have finally received my copy of Profession, the yearly journal of MLA that engages directly with the state of the profession (hence the name)

There were two articles that caught my eye. The first was about rejection, or more specifically, about saying "no" to a student, or telling a student he/she is wrong.* The writer argues that there are expectations from both sides about the nature of such interactions: when they should happen, what is appropriate, and how the message is interpreted differently by student and teacher.

Having heard the words "no" from advisors recently, I could relate as a student. But I also have had to say "no" several times to students this term, and I started wondering about that last point - how the message looks different depending on if you're on the giving or receiving end - and how the difference in perception can really get in the way of learning.

As a student, when an instructor or advisor says "no" it's very easy for me to take that as a rejection of more than just whatever the instructor is saying "no" to. When my committee said "no" to recommendation letters, I felt like it was a rejection of everything - me, the dissertation, the timing, my intellect, everything. That's why it felt so overwhelming. It shook my confidence.

Last night while out with colleagues, my husband was talking about a professor at university that we both had worked with and told of how in the seminar he participated in, the professor reduced a few grad students to tears in his critiques of their writing.

Thinking of all these things made me wonder about providing criticism to students. Do the instructors who reduce students to tears provide better feedback? Do students not understand when gentler criticism is provided? Is it necessary to be cruel to get the point across?

My instinct is no. I think it is possible to correct student errors without reducing students to tears. But it requires effort and attention. It requires time to explain why a student is wrong. Simply saying "No, you're wrong" does nothing to correct the error and invites the kind of devastation that leads to tears. I've seen this happen, and inevitably, the tears come when the news is delivered with little or no explanation or clarification about exactly what it wrong. (I also accept that there are students who will be devastated by even the most constructive of criticism - for those students, the only thing you can do is recognize that your criticism is helping them also learn how to accept criticism)

The article was written by an instructor who recognized herself and a colleague in a piece of fiction written by a former student. The fiction writer wrote from the first person perspective of the student who was told "no" in response to a classroom presentation. The feedback from the instructor was brief, and the student did not see it coming - the instructor and student had obviously never conferenced about the idea that the student presented. The story demonstrates how the devastation of that "no" came from a lack of effort and attention on the part of the instructor.

The effort comes from providing the "constructive" part of constructive criticism. It's easy to say "no". It's harder to spend the time and figure out how to articulate how the "no" can turn into a "yes". I remember receiving advice about grading that I should only point out the errors and leave it to the students to figure out what was wrong. But to me that's always felt a little like hanging students out to dry.

Of course I can't edit all their errors, but I think it's important to suggest how they might correct the errors. It takes time. Oh, does it take time. But without providing them with the correction, how will they know what to do with the "no"? Now in the interests of time management, I don't provide a solution for every problem. But I do try to for the bigger ones. Without providing a solution to the problem, I'm just saying "no". I'm just rejecting what the student has done without demonstrating why it's necessary to reject it and how such rejection can be avoided in the future.

Closely associated with the effort of providing solutions is recognizing that correcting student errors also requires attention. Again, the times that I've seen the devastation of the "no" happen (and experienced it myself) have been when the student doesn't see it coming. When as a student you've done work that you think is good, followed the directions as best you can, and then you're told that it's all wrong. That's tough. When as a student you already know you're on shaky ground because the instructor has told you so - as the project is in process - when you get the "this is wrong" message, it comes as no shock.

It's this attention that I think becomes so important to keep in mind as an instructor in student interactions. It's very tempting based on initial writing that a student produces, to gloss over any problems that emerge because you might think the student is a strong writer. Then suddenly you're faced with a final product that fails miserably, and you know that the criticism is going to hurt because you haven't given the student any indication before this that their work is less than stellar. It's one of the reasons I feel it's absolutely necessary to point out every problem in initial assignments so that students get a feel for the amount of work they need to do. They're nervous about that first assignment, and if they get it back with little correction, they'll think they're doing just great, whereas if you show them everything that needs work, they might not correct everything, but it does give them a sense of how the rest of their work will be evaluated.

You do no service to students to let them work for weeks and weeks on a course without giving them an accurate picture of where they stand. I think this applies in the classroom as much as in the work they submit and that it's important to correct errors that emerge during discussions or in-class work just as much as it is in the graded components. It shows respect for the student to give feedback often - whether it is negative or positive because there's nothing more devastating than the comments that comes straight out of left-field. I think that constant feedback also allows you to say things that are worded in strong language to correct errors without killing student initiative and enthusiasm.

I've had instructors myself who were tough. But I knew that from the moment we started, and it became part of the contract of the course - they'd be tough, and I wouldn't take it personally.

I've also had instructors who seemed to accept everything going on in the class as legitimate and acceptable, who then slam your final work, which is disheartening and confusing.

I want to be one of the former. I know I struggle with it as an instructor. It's easy, especially for us as women to see any negative feedback as undesirable, but we need to keep it in perspective. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind, and being inconsistent in the level of feedback you provide is more damaging than the harshest criticism. Consistency, and a solution to the problem - the two components that make negative feedback easier to accept.

So I think it's possible to say "no, you're wrong" in a way that doesn't devastate a student if you make sure it doesn't come as a surprise and you provide a solution or explanation of why it must be "no".

*The second will need to be a separate blog post.

Well, at least it WILL get warmer

See that bump in the middle? Where the weather gets warmer (though still below seasonal)? Yeah. Those are the exact dates that I will be out of town. Except for a 12 hour return over the 26th/27th, I will be gone from the city when the temperature finally breaks and gives us some tolerable weather.

What kind of rotten luck is that!?

Knowing is Good

You know how whenever someone is ill, the common sentiment is that it's better to know what the disease/illness is, than to just know something's wrong but not know why? That applies to a lot of things in life.

I've been thinking about knowing vs. not knowing a lot lately, and I would definitely agree that knowing is good.

I just got an email that my proposed paper was accepted for a conference this coming May. I'm tickled to be invited, mostly because it's a Victorian paper, and I've never written or presented anything in Victorian lit, even though that was one of my comps areas. And having seen how many places on the job list were looking for scholars who can do both 19th and 20th century, it would be good to develop some 19th century cv lines. (The conference paper is based on a section of a dissertation chapter I've already written, so it's mostly just a refinement/condensation of my ideas, not a start-from-scratch paper.) I'm also very glad they told me because I'd been flirting with the idea of attending two other conferences in June and August, but that would be really too much conferencing to go to them all!

I also got an email in the last week about a proposal for a book chapter I sent in, telling me they are still working on organizing the volume because of the overwhelming response to their cfp, but that they're still considering my submission. How lovely is that? I don't mean that I'm still under consideration, though that's nice, but that they took the time to email about the status of the project. Since the proposals were only due in October, I thought it was very responsive of them to let people know in December that they wouldn't be making a decision for a while yet.

Compare that experience with another book chapter that I have floating around the ether. I submitted the fully written chapter in August of 2007 after having been greenlighted based on the proposal about 8 months earlier. It was a decent writing timetable, and I was told upon submitting the chapter that I'd hear about the final decision in December. Then at the beginning of 2008, that the volume was being "rethought" and I'd hear soon. I emailed in fall, wanting to know its status so I could update my cv, and was told the whole project was still being reconsidered.

I really should pull the chapter from the volume and shop it around elsewhere, but I've got so many other things going right now, it's not a big priority. But if I don't hear in the next few months (after I finish all the drafting of the dissertation) I will pull it and send it out as a journal article. It's based on a book that came out in 2005, so I'd really hate to sit on it so long that someone else scoops me by writing a journal article about it first! Especially since it's all written up and everything. But that's beside the point. What I'm getting at in telling that story is that the email I got this week updating me on the book status was really just a nice thing to do. Very professional.

I of course am also thinking about knowing vs. not knowing because I'm still waiting for feedback from one of my committee members on three chapters. Yes, three. I realize life's busy, but three chapters is a bit far to fall behind. So I'm chomping at the bit there.

The other reason I'm thinking about knowing vs. not knowing is that I've heard a lot of complaining from job candidates over the years about schools not letting them know about their status. Even though I'm not on the market this year, before my committee made that decision, I'd sent out five applications already. All five have been kind enough to let me know that I didn't make the cut (obvious since they never got the followup reference letters) or that the search was cancelled (only one). So it was very nice to see that these schools - at least if they have no interest in you - were good at notifying candidates.

I have also resolved that if I ever get to join the club, I'm going to be like those schools, and the email sender this week by keeping in touch and notifying people as soon as possible about the things they're waiting for from me. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go write some thank you emails...

Too bad, so sad, but the party's over

Although I have a couple of blog posts floating around in my head about literature and its value to teaching, the rest of the world etc., they aren't worked out yet, so they'll have to wait.

Right now though, I'm staring at a huge pile of take-home exams that need to be marked. I've made my job a bit easier in creating a basic rubric that I'll fill in, and the fact that students usually never come back to get these the next term means that what comments I insert will be telescopic, but it sure is hard getting up the desire to mark these things. I may leave them till tomorrow.

I gave my students a three hour window in which they could hand in their papers, but they needed to hand them in as hard copies - I wasn't going to accept email submissions. They've known this deadline for six weeks now and I even told them they could make arrangements to hand it in early if they had exam conflicts, or if they just wanted to finish it early. A couple made arrangements to drop them off last week, but I still came home one short.

Why is it always the weakest students who do that?

Don't answer that. I know why.

I even stayed an extra half-hour to give them time to get to me because the weather and the roads have been so horrible. I had planned to get to school an hour before I said I would, and even with that cushion, it still took me an hour longer to get to work than I thought it would.

To get to work, I have to go through the river valley. The main route through was slick, slick, slick! this morning. I crawled down with everyone else in first gear, and even on the way back up, which of course is usually easier, I didn't get above second gear because it was really slick too. The snow management in this city has just not kept up to its growth, that's for sure. It was never great, but it's definitely gotten worse over the last few years.

I have to say though, some of the students who ran in at the end of the three hour window really need to use some common sense - two of them told me their cars wouldn't start this morning (no, really, your car wouldn't start in -30 weather?) So they had to plug them in. Umm... ??? We live in Canada, people! When it's this bloody cold, you gotta plug the car in! What I want to know is where they've been for the last several years? (And yes, they're upper level students - this isn't their first year here.)

Anyway, aside from some of this kind of silliness, I actually had some really nice conversations with some of them. One even said that she was worried at the beginning because the way I'd structured the course differed from what she'd been told by other students who have taken the course before. But she found it really helpful the way it was set up. So that was really nice to hear.

I think that might be one of the best compliments a person can get about a course - that the student came expecting one thing and got more than they bargained for. Everytime I've heard such a comment, the subtext has usually been that the student had expected to hate the course (the perils of teaching required gen ed courses) and found they ended up liking at least a part of it. I think the best comment I ever got on an eval was for a public speaking course and was something to the effect of "making a course most students dread enjoyable". Defying student expectation certainly isn't my goal when I design a course, but I think it's a bonus when it does happen.

Here's hoping the coming term will also defy students expectations of their course!

Winter and holidays

Busy last few days. I mailed off a chapter to my advisor this week, which is a nice load off my mind, but it also meant I had to turn my attention to my other work, which I've been taking my time on. I also finally got material from other people for the online work, so I spent a lot of time doing quality assurance on it.

Mostly I kept busy preparing for an open house we hosted last night. I'd never really done an open house party before, but I think I did a pretty good job of making sure I had fresh food throughout the evening. We had a lower turnout then I originally expected - some people had to change their plans because other things came up, but we also have had nasty weather over the last few days, which is a definite party-killer any way you cut it.

I don't know what the exact amount of snowfall was over the 24 hour period, but it was a lot more than we usually get, and then it got very cold. Between the possibility of getting stuck in a snowbank, and the cold, I would've been sorely tempted to stay at home too!

The snow took about 3 hours total to shovel, and reminded me a lot of Saskatchewan. The main roads are clear enough, but it's the side roads that get tricky to navigate. I wouldn't have taken my car out yesterday, and I might even consider carpooling with hubby on Monday if the side streets are still heavy with snow.

I love my little car, but like all little cars, it just doesn't have any weight to it, so deep snow will bog it down. It would be silly to own it if we didn't have a heavier vehicle to fall back on for those few days when the fresh snow makes manouevering difficult, but since we have a heavier car, I can afford to keep it in the garage for those couple of days every year when we get dumped on.

I'll say one thing though - it certainly feels and looks like winter around here now!

A bloggy year

The rules for this blog meme are quite simple: Post the link and first sentence from the first blog entry for each month of the past year. So here goes:

I wish everyone a happy new year!

NEW RULES FOR ENTERING ALBERTA

Thank God for the Church ladies who type them.

I've seen a much shorter clip of Big Dog before, but this one shows some really interesting scenarios that the robot works through - hills, ice, being knocked off balance.

Jazzfest was an intense yet relaxing weekend of good food, good music and good company.

Since my good friend was on a list-making binge lately, and I have nothing really intelligent to say, sharing lists ought to easy...

Happy Canada Day!

Remember when you were a kid, or even a teenager, and a year seemed like forever?

Most of our clients are much more reasonable than this, but there are times when I totally get the designer's frustrations!

In the past few weeks several parts of my life have come to the fore, each vying for importance and attention.

I did manage to re-start writing on the dissertation over the weekend.

I've realized the blog has been rather dull lately and when I do actually post, just a bit on the whiny side.

Well. That was an interesting and very strange exercise. A mix of boring, perplexing, ordinary, and life-related posts by the looks of these openers. I suppose this exercise is probably more interesting for the blogger than for the audience. For instance, it made me realize how much I rely on titles to do the work of jump-starting the blog post, and also that I pay a lot of attention to holidays... I'd never realized that before. Not that the realization will necessary change the way I blog. I guess I'm just now a little more blog-aware!

Sometimes the things you dread the most actually turn out to be good for you

Okay, so I wasn't exactly dreading the Holiday party last night, but I had almost blogged yesterday about how one of the stresses of the holiday season is going to all the parties and such - they might be good opportunities to network but they aren't necessarily relaxing. I suspect that's why so many of them involve alcoholic beverages as well... but that's another post.

There were two parties last night, so we had to choose between networking with my new colleagues and networking with hubby's colleagues. We went with his. Partly because I had forgotten our party was on the same day and he RSVP'd to his before we'd realized the overlap. But I suspect the fabulous four course Italian meal we had was far more delicious than the potluck my workplace was having.

I'm sorry to have missed the chance to get to know some of my colleagues a bit better socially, but there was one thing that happened at the gathering last night that would never have happened at my staff party.

I got a chance to interact with people who weren't academics.

It was neat to talk to people who didn't deal with students everyday (though many of them deal with patients everyday, which yields some very similar frustrations). It was also nice to talk to people who are in fields entirely unrelated to what either hubby or I do and remind ourselves of the wonderful variety of fields outside of our own experience. I found out things I hadn't known - for example, I met a woman who is a commodity trader and she was telling me that although they do a lot of communication electronically, they still need to yell across the floor at each other sometimes. I thought that was one of those things that would've gone the way of the dodo. Apparently not!

The other neat thing was that I got lots of opportunities to practice the "elevator speech", you know, where you try to summarize what you do in 30 seconds of less. I think I did pretty good, and phrasing what I do - especially for a non-specialist crowd - meant I had to think carefully about what parts of my work I could make relate to their own work or experiences. Although I don't tend toward jargon-laden writing or thinking about my topic, there are some assumptions we make as academics when we talk to each other that we need to adjust when talking outside our disciplines.

Getting the chance to explain what I do in a way that expresses why it's a worthwhile endeavour was a really good experience, and I needed that to ground me and give me the chance to look up from the writing and remember the world out there!

Incremental progress

My dissertation meter has moved 3%. Woohoo! That might not seem like much, but it represents forward movement, and for that I'm thankful. I won't even begin to guess at the quality of the work, but the quantity is getting cranked out, and it follows the basic plan for the chapter, so I'll take it to be progress.

Looks like education is a pretty good thing

I've realized the blog has been rather dull lately and when I do actually post, just a bit on the whiny side. Regardless of how disrupted my life feels, or how justified I might be in annoyance, that makes for bad blogging.

So I decided to go back through blog post drafts and finish up some of them. I found this Kelly survey about Satisfaction with education and jobs Of course since the blog is all about me, I found upon re-reading the article that I can relate personally to some of the findings:

Key findings among Canadian survey participants include:

72 percent wish that they had studied further.
41 percent wish that they had studied something totally different.
12 percent say that they definitely chose the wrong career, while 24 percent are 'not sure.'
28 percent say that their school education did not prepare them well for working life.
17 percent say that their post-school education did not prepare them well for working life.

Okay, so I can't relate to the first one. I'm ready to be done studying for a while. Aside from perhaps pottery or basketweaving classes when I've retired, I cannot imagine what other (formal) education I would want to further attain.

But I can relate to those who wished they'd studied something different and those who have doubts about their choice of career. These days I find myself wondering if the last 7 (seven!) years have been a collosal waste.

I can also relate to the quarter of respondents who said their education did not prepare them well for working life. Although my doctoral program has a very good orientation/training program about teaching for which I'm grateful almost every day I step into the classroom, I feel entirely out of my element as a scholar. I have so little sense of what's expected of me after I finish this thing that I would agree with those people that I'm not prepared.

Of course I'll do what everyone else does: fake it till I make it...!

But the last one makes me wonder - the 17% who said their post-secondary education didn't prepare them for life. ???? Is that really an expectation of a post-secondary education?

I realize that a lot of students come into post-secondary with very little sense of how to conduct themselves as adults - I see it every semester. But in that way, they are no different than the other high school graduates who have to figure out how to now be adults as well. It's not the kind of thing that you can learn from a manual, or from someone else. It's learning by trial and error. Sure, the easiest transitions are when those errors aren't life-altering. But shouldn't there have been a base set in high school and more importantly at home, that prevent "new" adults from making the most disastrous errors as they figure it out?

No one can really tell you how to act like an adult. You figure it out by interacting with other people who expect you to act as an adult. When you get a bad response, then you try another approach (or at least most people do). So how is it that your post-secondary education is supposed to prepare you for life? It's not something you can learn in a classroom, so how does the post-secondary institution become responsible for it? This response confuses me, and I have to admit, I'm not sure if that's just because of the way I'm reading it, or whether I really can't figure out what it points to.

The article also notes that 63% of Canadians wished they'd worked harder during their education. Perhaps they've convinced themselves that the lectures they skipped were the ones that would've better prepared them for life?

Frustration

I've had most of the day for writing (even though I have plenty of other work that needs to get done) and I selfishly have designated today a writing day.

But I feel like I'm spinning my wheels.

Part of it is the material - I'm having trouble seeing where I want each section to go and how that fits into the overall goals of the chapter. I don't think there's an actual problem with the chapter - I wrote some really good stuff on Thursday. I just am stuck on this particular part of it. And no, there isn't really another part that I can write instead because I have to figure this part out in order to know how to approach the other sections.

Part of it is because this is the toughest chapter to write. I already blogged about how unusual this chapter is, and how I thought it was really doing some neat stuff no one else has really done.

Problem is, if no one else has really done anything like this before, I don't have any models to follow, and mapping out the argument is a bit tougher because I've never tried to create an argument like this.

But part of the problem is this lingering doubt. I just can't shake it. All the self-talk in the world isn't making it go away. Hearing other people tell me I can do it is really, really lovely, and I believe them. I do. But even that isn't helping. Don't get me wrong, I know I can do this. I know I will do this. I just am not moving forward right now, and that's frustrating.

What's happened is that I've gotten over my doubts about this dissertation. I think it's a damn worthy dissertation, and I think once it's all done it's worthy of a PhD. But now I'm losing faith about the process after that.

The deteriorating job market isn't helping my enthusiasm. I'm not looking at postings and I'm not going out to look for things, but I'm hearing from my blogroll and elsewhere that searches are being cancelled and positions pulled. And then the more I hear about the general economy going down the tubes, the more I wonder if next year will be any better. And then I wonder what the whole point of this whole thing is if I get this dissertation finished and there's nothing out there to apply for anyway. And then I think "I'm not getting any younger" which doesn't help matters. I realize a lot of this has nothing to do with my scholarship, but I'm having difficulty compartmentalizing it.

So it all feels just a bit pointless. No. Not pointless. I'm enjoying the research I'm doing, and even when I have a bad writing day like today, I'm enjoying doing the writing. Self-indulgent might be a better word. I'm doing something I like with what looks like little hope of it paying off, short of giving me another expensive piece of paper to hang on the wall. A bit depressing when you think of it that way.

Despite my best efforts at organizing

I cannot find a book I know I own.

I know I own it, because it's listed on Library Thing, and I only very rarely lend books out. So I know it's in my house... somewhere.

Problem is, I can't find it.

That probably means I own too many books, or don't have a good system for organizing them. I've been thinking I could include Library Thing tags that indicate what shelf the book is on, but the thing is, the location of my books changes periodically, depending on what I'm working on at the time.

Most of my books are kept in the spare room/library. That's always the first place to look, and everything is arranged by genre or topic, and then alphabetically. So, for example, all the literary theory is together, all the medieval lit, and then all the novels are arranged by author in alphabetical order. So I usually only spend a moment locating a given text.

There is also a bookshelf in the living room, but those books don't change much. I've also got a shelf on my night-table filled with books, but those are almost always fiction and usually consist of books I want to read soon.

Then there's the office/study. There are a few shelves here, and these are the books that most often change, because I bring things up from the spare room as I need them for whatever project I'm working on. Because of this, they tend to only be loosely arranged by genre or topic, so I have to spend a little time looking through these shelves. Luckily they're small enough it doesn't take long.

Thing is, there's this book I really want to check out for the chapter I'm writing right now, but I've been through my office shelves twice and can't find it. I purchased it specifically for the dissertation, so it should be here. But it's not.

I know it's in my house. I just need to figure out where! Then maybe I need a new system...

RBOC: end of semester version

Because I've started about 20 blog posts in my head over the last week, none of which feel like a full post, I give you bullets instead...

• Students are starting to panic - big time - and I'm finding myself fairly unsympathetic. I feel like I've given them every opportunity to get with the program, and some of them just haven't.
• I've been doing the voiceover work for one of our elearning projects. It's been an interesting learning experience about my own "reading voice" and it is very strange to hear your own voice as you review every file to make sure it's complete.
• We've decided that there must be an unwritten rule that at every Science Cafe, someone has to ask a question about pseudoscience (last night's was about crystals and auras at a neurology lecture). Amusing, and I have to admire the speakers' ability not to laugh at the questions.
• I've heard back on one of those things I was waiting on - whoppee!
• I hate daylight savings. Especially when it means the sun is down before school is out. How does this save us money??
• I went to a bar with "dueling pianos" over the weekend. I've been to piano bars before. But this was something very, very different. And a lot more fun than I thought it would be. The audience interaction was fun and entertaining, especially the two stagettes...

Told you none of it was terribly interesting.

For me, hell will be a waiting room

I am waiting.

I am waiting to hear back from my advisor about meeting.

I am waiting to hear from my other committee members about submitted chapters.

I am waiting to receive files for my online work so I can finish one project.

I am waiting to hear back about a conference paper and article proposal. (I have all but given up waiting on the other proposal that's floating around out there)

I am waiting to find out what office I will be in at work since the woman whose desk I'm sitting at returns next semester.

And yet, despite all this waiting, I still have so many other tasks that have yet to be accomplished. The problem with this situation, is that I'm not a terribly patient person. I don't like waiting. Especially when it's something that I'm anxious about, and I've been especially anxious about my scholarly output in the last few months. So I wait, but it would be a mistake to say I wait patiently.

Inspired by PhD Mamas... who speak so much more eloquently about their waiting than I.

When Worlds Collide

Organizers and non-organizers (free spirits?) should never mix. It just seems to breed irritation on both sides.

You've probably guessed by now that I'm an organizer. I like knowing how my day will unfold. I don't think I'm obsessive. I can go on a vacation and wake up every morning without a plan. But when I need to be working i.e. not on vacation, I like to know what my day will hold. Not every little detail. But I like knowing what blocks of time are committed to interactions with other people, which ones I can spend in front of the computer, which ones are dedicated to teaching, or meetings, or other things that I need to attend.

Right now, with my online work, part of what I need to do is to produce content with an outside contractor. I get along very well with this contractor... when we meet.

Planning ahead to meet is really, really tough though. It may have something to do with our different industries. Education usually has semesters, deadlines, objectives, goals etc. That's me. Suits me very nicely. I actually like having my semester all planned out ahead of time, and my schedules very rarely change because I'm comfortable with planning months ahead.

Creative types, like the contractor, tend to operate more fluidly, working when the urge hits. Thing is, it's hard to plan for urges to hit, right? So in collaborating, I don't know at the beginning of a day whether we'll collaborate that day. And creative types tend to be night owls. So I can't even call to find out if we can collaborate that day until the afternoon.

Drives me nuts.

The problem is really only becoming apparent during this project, because it's so huge that we need to collaborate over multiple sessions. Before, we'd always met over one or two sessions at the most, which made it easier to plan (or at least minimized the non-planning to small snippets that were manageable).

We'll be shopping for a new contractor for the next project I think, particularly if it's a large project again. But right now? We need at least another two collaboration sessions. *sigh* I have absolutely no idea when they'll take place. A horrendous way to work as far as I'm concerned.

There's a saying...

... what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.


And I suppose in a lot of cases, the saying is right on. But why is it those things that don't kill you have to do so much damage before they make you stronger? Hmmm?

I suspect this setback will make me stronger. I know already it's made me feel simultaneously less and more reliant on my committee members. In a weird way, both seem like a good thing. But this second guessing myself all the time is really starting to get tiring. I've resumed working - which is good - but I'm not moving forward.

You'll notice the dissertation meter really hasn't moved in the last month.

Part of that is because I'm doing a lot of revision - which is good because I like what I'm changing. But part of it is because I'm stuck on the new material. I feel like the writing strategy I've been employing for the chapters to date must be flawed. Which means I need a new strategy. I just am not finding it.

I'm trying to begin a new chapter, but I'm afraid to commit words to paper. I feel like if I put something down that isn't right, I'll get stuck in a bad writing mode and produce a bad chapter that will have to be entirely re-written anyway. It's making me freeze up when I try to write. I've never had that problem before.

I've had tough writing patches - who hasn't? But I've always been able to devise a work-around that gets me back to the writing, whether that's a change in pace, format, attention, audience, you name it. Nothing's working now.

As you can tell by this post, I'm scattered and random in my thinking about this chapter.

Worse, my attitude toward it is changing too. At first, I thought this chapter would be interesting, a revolutionary way of looking at the material. At weaker moments, I had grandiose ideas about its revolutionary nature, but in my more sober moments, I could still see how it would be interesting - the kind of thing that crossed genres and techniques in a really productive and interesting way. I was cautious about putting it into the prospectus, because I felt like it would be a challenge and would propose some rather unusual things, but I worked through what I thought was a reasonable argument for why it should be undertaken and felt confident proposing it as a chapter.

And I must have had something there because the committee approved the prospectus after all, right?

Thing is, now all I can see is disaster. Instead of a novel approach to genre and content, it now just feels silly. As much as I'm trying not to let my committee's lack of faith in me affect me, it is, and now I don't know if I can pull off this chapter.

I know what you're thinking. If I'm stuck in contemplating this chapter, why not write a different chapter instead? And that would be good advice. I have given myself that advice as well. Thing is, the other chapter that needs to be written, the one that I've been looking forward to, thinking it was the culmination and glory of the whole dissertation - yeah, that one - I'm starting to think looks like crap too.

Yeah.

Depressing thought, isn't it?

I have faith that this will all work out and I'll get my writing feet back under me. But right now, it's not happening. I'll continue to struggle, and it will make me stronger, but I sure do wish I could just struggle under the writing, not the writing AND the self-doubt.

Today my office mate shared this newspaper article with me.

All I can say?

holy spimoni.

I hate to sound old, but things have most definitely changed.

The one that gets me?

Percentage of students agreeing with the statement:

A professor should be willing to meet with me at a time that works best for me, even if inconvenient for the professor - 11.2%

I hate Mondays

I usually don't hate Mondays. I'm not really one of those people who is so in love with the weekend (or so in hate with their workplace) that they hate the thought of the weekend ending.

But this term I've grown to dislike Mondays. Today, that dislike is threatening to escalate.

See, Mondays I teach at two places and have to travel during rush hour (through downtown) to get from one to the other. So the traveling isn't fun.

The first class is okay, but it's always hard to not feel resentment at having to go all the way to school just for a two hour class - somehow it's always easier if there are other things that need to get done as well. The second class is starting to get rough. Students are starting to grade grub and there is one who is starting to challenge me every class - not on the material - that I could handle - but on my pedagogy, which annoys me to no end. Slapping hir down has not seemed to stem the tide, and I'm getting frustrated at the continued attempt. Now that the midterm is over, I suspect the challenging will stop, or morph, so I'll be interested to see what tonight brings.

And today I have to track down someone for the online work who is notoriously bad for responding to messages. I may have to actually squeeze in a stop at his house and bang on his door between classes to get the answer I want. So unprofessional - ugh!

Part of the problem is that I don't teach till the afternoon, so in the morning, I've got between 3 and 4 hours to do something. It's not a full day, and it's not an hour here or there, so it feels hard to slot something into it. I feel like the work I do either needs one hour time slots, or full days. I know, I know. I could just slot three - one hour tasks in, right? But that feels so terribly schizophrenic as I jump from one topic to another, it makes it hard to really concentrate.

Mostly I dislike Mondays because there's a lot of work crammed into it, but it also involves a lot of paper pushing, driving, and generally dealing with a schedule that is less than exciting.

At least tonight after class, I am meeting a friend for a drink. It's what will get me through the day, even if it's not for another twelve hours!

Organizing and getting back on track

Okay, so November is the month of NaNoWriMo and InaDWriMo. As regular readers might know, I participated in NaNoWriMo in 2006 and was successful in reaching the goal!

I've missed the boat on starting InaDWriMo (International Dissertation Writing Month) since I was feeling to disoriented by the no-longer-on-the-job-market episode. I have re-started work, so that's good. And I'm to the point where I can listen to other people's job searches with only the mildest of regrets.

But I still am avoiding thinking about it too much.

So. I've got lots to do. Especially since now I need to recover the time spent on the false job-start. And my online work has gotten the green light on two projects that have been sitting on the back burner for months and now need to be completed ASAP. So in the spirit of InaDWriMo, I'm setting the following (dissertation and non-dissertation) goals for November:

• complete edits on chapter 2 based on October feedback
• evaluate and re-vise online content sample for academic client
• re-insert edited writing sample back into chapter 3 and finish edits
• draft theory and _Satanic Verses_ sections of chapter 4
• finish audio recording, pdfs, and graphic generation of content for online trade client
• expand theory section of the paper I was invited to submit to (respectable) journal after receiving positive feedback during last conference presentation
• draft content for online social service client so that it's ready for audio, video, and graphics production in December

Given that it's already the 7th and I still have lots of teaching to do this month, the list might be unrealistic. But I do have most of my prep complete, and none of the big marking assignments will come in until the end of the term, so I'm hoping that the teaching won't feel overwhelming.

It's a big list. I know. I may not make it through all of it. But I'm hoping to get very close. I'll report my progress as the month unfolds.

Thanks!

A big thanks to everyone who commented, called or sent a message over the last week. Although I'm still a bit bruised by the affair, I think I've at least got to the point where I'm able to let it go and focus on the future instead. I'm still a bit shaken, but I'm hopeful that it will pass and I will get my feet under me again.

So thanks everyone! Your notes and messages really helped me put the whole episode in perspective and got me back on track. You know who you are, and I just want you to know what wonderful things I think of you!

Recovering

I did manage to re-start writing on the dissertation over the weekend. It's still hard going because I feel like I'm second guessing myself constantly, but I'm producing words, and right now, at least that's a first step.

Wish me luck salvaging this thing in time to get back on track!

Boom!

On the weekend I got a phone call from the dissertation director informing me that my committee members would not be providing me with recommendation letters for job applications.

Needless to say, it feels like my world has just imploded. I realize my world is more than just a job, or more than just a dissertation, but if I blogged a couple of weeks ago about having the wind knocked out of me by the work load, then this week it would be more appropriate to suggest the proverbial broadside-by-semi-truck.

My first reaction was to question the point of it all. It felt like my whole project, my whole degree was in question. It still feels that way.

I also felt humiliated that I had thought, and told people, that I was going on the market only to have the people who hold my fate in their hands pull their support. I still feel like a fool for having gotten excited about the prospect and for spending so much time over the last month preparing the things I needed, only to find that the thing I need the most - recommendation letters - I would not be getting.

Just to clarify. I had spoken to each of my committee members who had indicated they would be happy to write letters. Two of those committee members even discussed my list of postings within the past two weeks and helped me revise them. If that doesn't send the message that I should be expecting their support, I must be crazy... or dense... or both. And they have admitted that they "regret" that they told me yes and now are telling me no. Regret? That's not the word I would use for it.

I also feel despair. I mean, what the hell is the point of all this if my committee think I can't do it? Or worse, when I have a committee that jerks me around like this? I feel foolish for trusting their word, for thinking I was ready, for spending all this time and energy this month (and the months leading up to it) preparing, planning, drafting documents, all to have it pulled. Well, either foolish, or made a fool of. But being made to play the fool doesn't feel any better than having been a fool myself.

They tell that this doesn't mean the dissertation is the problem. But it is. Or if it isn't, I am. Either way, I'm pretty invested in both of them - the dissertation, and myself. Either way, it feels like a slap. Either way, it feels like I've been judged as lacking. That I've been told I'm not capable of this. That hurts in ways that I'm having real difficulty moving past. It's shaken my self-perception in very fundamental ways.

But mostly today I'm angry. I'm angry that I was told one thing, then another. I'm angry that I haven't gotten the support I need to be ready for this thing. I'm angry that the way I've had to work because of my committee's preferences in dealing with my long-distance work has delayed me, leading to this decision. I'm angry that I've gotten more email communication about this denial of help in the last three days than I have gotten email support of my work over the last three months.

I'm angry that I wasted the month of October and much of September doing work that is now utterly useless. The job letter will need to be re-drafted next year, and the hours and hours of researching schools is all a waste since the schools next year will all be different.

I'm angry that I spent hundreds of dollars on postage and non-refundable airline tickets to the conference where interviews would take place. I'm angry that I pushed the four other members of my family to book off specific dates for our Christmas celebration just so I could go to this conference that I now have no reason to attend. I'm angry that this messed with my family's plans, not just mine.


I feel betrayed. I feel like I can't trust any of these people anymore. If they're willing to change their mind at the last moment about something so critical (at least to me), what else are they willing to do? I understand that it's their prerogative to put their names to a recommendation letter or not, but I'm having problems with the way it unfolded. If they'd said this in July when I first asked, it would've been disappointing, but not nearly as earth-shattering as it feels right now.

I can't work. I've tried. I need to recover this lost time (I can't recover the lost money after all) but I can't write. I start crying or cursing when I try. The only thing that keeps me from obsessing over this setback is watching movies. I can't even read, which is my favorite mode of escape. Every time I read, I can't help but think that I'm a failure at even this, at the literature that I love. What good am I if I can't even do this thing that I love???

I know I'll get through this - I'm too damn stubborn to give up... even when it might actually be prudent to do so.... But right now, I'm just not able to move on.

What's in a Name?

Or, more accurately, what's in a title?

When I grow up, I wanna be a professor.

[remainder of post deleted - after this weekend, it just seemed utterly ridiculous]

[I realize there's a blogging convention that you never actually pull something after posting it, but I've always felt that seemed a bit restrictive since each blogger controls his or her own space, which should include being able to change the material on the site. If I have offended in doing this, I'm sorry. I just can't bear the thought of leaving the original post up any more. It just feels too humiliating]

oofff!

In case you're wondering, that's the sound you make when life gently broadsides you, knocking the wind out of your sails, just when you thought you were merrily getting by.

[Like how I managed to mix metaphors AND sneak in the blog title? I thought you would.]

My office looks like something exploded in it between the dumping of things when I got home from Georgia, and the digging out of other things in order to start generating the job letters I need to get sent out very soon. And speaking of job applications - wow! - does it every take a long time to properly tailor a letter to an academic job. Just wow. At this rate, I'll be ready to apply for these jobs NEXT year. Wow.

So blogging will likely continue to be sparse while I dig my way out of this mess. Wish me luck in all of it, k?

Georgia and back

Okay, well I haven't left Georgia yet - I head out in about a half hour. But the conference here was fabulous, and my wonderful friend who organized it pulled off a coup in that everyone absolutely enjoyed it despite what she saw as all the things that went wrong.

But I have made a note to myself not to try to organize a conference in the first couple of years as an Assistant Professor (provided that's where my life and abilities take me!) My panel went very well and we had some good conversation after the presentation. I feel like the time frame was a bit of a problem because it felt like I glossed over some of what I wanted to say in the interests of fitting within the time, but overall, I think I made my points.

The panel I chaired was great fun too - well, except for the fact that we had a non-topic related panelist added on in the last minute, and the conversation about that paper threatened to erupt into a heated discussion that really would've taken us away from the purpose of the panel. But we got back on track so it's all good.

I'm just trying for the next few minutes to enjoy the warm sun and air here before I head back home. I know I'd hate the summer heat, but boy is it nice down here in October! More later.

Auto Blogging!

Holy Snapping Duck Do! I just got a bajillion whiny emails saying I have not updated this since they invented sliced bread... You would not believe that my hands were chopped off and I was waiting for bionic ones. Apologies to my regular readers! Even the little blue ones!.

I am hopped up on caffeine with setting fire to people wearing Crocs, watching Dexter, just generally being a nuisance to every Lost Boy that crosses my path, my day is full to bursting from the first cockadoodledoo from the rooster till I run out of alcohol. I am putting money aside so I can run away. and that I can take that big badge off my head that says bad mother.

I won't promise anything to you but I will write something that makes sense soon. No, really! Don't hold your breath though, you're likely to turn blue.

Courtesy: The Lazy Blogger

Wow! That's intense (and scary)!

In the past few weeks several parts of my life have come to the fore, each vying for importance and attention. In my darker moments, I think it's more like ALL, not SEVERAL parts!

This has meant I've been working almost non-stop for several weeks, over very long hours. But it's not the working that's getting to me. What's getting to me is the accompanying sense of anxiety that at any moment I will forget something critical and all those juggling balls will come tumbling down. Working long hours is tiring, but that's all it is. Working long hours with the constant suspicion that you're forgetting something even more important is anxiety-provoking.

I did forget to photocopy some materials and bring them to a class I was teaching. But since I always overprepare for classes, I had plenty of other things to do and will bring the photocopies (and the activity they're for) to the next class.

And I've been fairly good about continuing to exercise, so that helps keep me on track.

But then something happened earlier this week that scared me. And I know it happened as a result of this persistent juggling trick involving staying on top of everything at the same time.

I actually had a moment - just a moment mind you - when I pulled up at a red light and something along the lines of "what is that? red light. okay. wait. does red mean stop? yes. it means stop. green is go - red is stop. okay. gotta brake" went through my head.

Yikes!

The "scientific" proof of my genius!

What Your Socks Say About You

You Are: - Simply outstanding - Brave to the core - A person of depth - Infinitely wise

The Socks Personality Test

The agonies of fashion

Ladies, want to know why men rule the world?

Because they don't spend almost 4 hours to get their hair done and buy a new work outfit! That's why.

4 hours!

Mind you, it's a snazzy new do and I love it. But with the time and $$ it cost, I'm glad I only do this once every 7 or 8 years. How in the world do people manage it on a more frequent basis? After all, that's 4 hours less that I had available for course prep, or marking, or writing, or reading, or job letters... or even something more enjoyable... you get the idea.

Hokey doodles!

Mixed messages

Has it ever happened to you that right at the time you need to be the most productive, you start to question whether you can do what you need to do? I don't mean questioning if you can get it done in time - I do that all the time. I mean questioning whether you're capable of it?

Right now I'm getting mixed messages from my committee members about my progress. No, not about my progress. About my ability to do this thing. Advisor #1 has given me good feedback - some of which was a bit distressing because I hadn't realized the glaring problem was there, but good. Advisor #1 is also fully supportive of the run at the market this fall, which is reassuring.

Advisor #2 just sent me some feedback, but it seems to suggest that the two chapters that I've just spent six months sweating over aren't necessary and might not be included in the dissertation. !?! Advisor #2 is also supportive of the job run, but this latest feedback suggests some doubt about the schedule I've set for myself.

[Advisor #3 is silent and has been on all fronts for a long time, which I'm trying not to worry about]

But the latest response from #2 is making me wonder who I should believe. Is #1 correct that I'm on the right track and have a reasonable schedule? Or is #2 correct that my work isn't on track and might not be manageable given the schedule I have set for myself? Whose vision is more accurate?

I know what you're thinking, and I've told it to myself as well. The person who knows best how it's going is me. I should be able to tell which view of this project is most accurate. And my answer is that I'm doing fine and can get this done on my schedule.

But if that's the case, why doesn't #2 see it? I am still a student after all. Perhaps I have the wrong idea of what is needed? Perhaps I don't really have what it takes to write a dissertation. I've successfully written seminar papers, but maybe I can't translate that to the book length project that is the dissertation? What if I'm not really cut out for this career?

I tell myself I've come this far, I've presented conference papers that have gone over well (for the most part - there was one fairly notable stinker in the lot, but overall they've been well received). I've got a couple of things published (I've also had a rejection, but everybody does, right?), and I even won a student prize for an essay. So I must be capable of this, right?

But there's that nasty little voice of doubt that tells me that was all luck and then I start thinking ridiculous things like: What if #2 is right and I'm the first person in the history of the department to fail the defense? I did have one rather spectacular failure during the degree already, maybe the rest has just been people not wanting to tell me the truth.

Ugh. Why is it that I doubt myself now? Is it just continued fall out from that earlier failure? Is it because I really am prescient and can see that this won't work? Then I wonder just how much validation I need to know that I am supposed to be doing this. How many successes will it take to counter those couple of negatives?

And all of this is coming to a head right now in the midst of job material preparation. Self-doubt isn't a great selling strategy for the job search now, is it? I've got to get past this!

Harper is a Cylon

Ha! I had to laugh at this Canadian-election-as-Battelstar-Gallactica parody!

look-ee, look-ee!

The dissertation meter is a whole 3% higher than last week! Woohoo!

Ugh.

Procrastination

I receive an email newsletter from Tomorrow's Professor that often has interesting articles. But today's article felt a bit condescending to me, and I found myself wondering at its effectiveness. That got me thinking what my response would be to each of these procrastination thoughts.

Ten Ways of Thinking that Lead to Writing Procrastination -and Rebuttals to Those Thoughts

* I need to warm up first by writing some email.
** Rebuttal: You can warm up by starting the work slowly, making a list of what you will do, reading over your notes or writing from yesterday.
Okay, go for it then! Email might be a way of getting "warmed up" but it can also eat up a huge amount of time, so make sure you limit it in one way or another. But if that's what works for you, do it. If writing email distracts you and you never get to the writing, then it's not a good strategy and you need to find some other way to warm up.

* I'm not in a good mood and I don't write well when I'm not in a good mood - I'll do it later when I feel better.
** Rebuttal: Nothing will make you feel as good as getting something done. The main reason for your bad mood is that you don't really want to do this task, so getting it out of the way will feel great.
I understand not wanting to write when in a foul mood, but mostly those moods convince me that I don't have the ability to write. This is where I need to encouragement (read kick in the ass) from a good friend to get me going. Telling myself I'll feel better after writing something seldom seems to work. Alternately, if my friends' collective feet are getting tired of kicking me, I undertake some non-writing, writing-related activity, like cleaning up notes, or annotating a text that I'll be using. At least then the project is moving forward.

* Life is so hard - I can't believe I have to do this unpleasant task. I'll even it out by doing something more fun first.
** Rebuttal: Yes, life is hard, and it's terrible that you have to do this task. That's why you will reward yourself after you do the task. Otherwise you're applying backwards conditioning, which doesn't work. And don't forget to plan enough fun and relaxation time into your schedule.
'Fraid this one doesn't apply to me. My parents and life already taught me that the unpleasant tasks are better to get done and out of the way as soon as possible so they aren't hanging over me. So I don't know what I'd say. I know if someone came to me saying "life is hard" I'd be sorely tempted to reply "suck it up, buttercup! you think you're the only one who finds life hard? get over yourself and deal with it!" But I don't think that would necessarily be helpful!

* I'll definitely do it, in a minute or so
* Rebuttal: Set a timer, or that minute could last 2 hours. When the timer goes off, do the task. Even better, do it now!
Ugh! Having a timer jangling in my ear because I'm doing something else and need to limit my time? I can't imagine doing so - the thought of a timer irritates me so much I just couldn't do it. I understand the impetus behind the thought, but I suppose my suggestion instead would be to do the writing right away and save whatever you wanted to do for "a minute or so" as a reward.

* After this bad thing is over in my life (midterms, meeting, in-law visit, etc.) my life will seem easier and I'll be able to do my task on a daily basis. So I'll wait until then.
** Rebuttal: Life is always like this. You can afford to do 15 minutes of work today, can't you? This is the one small act you can do to make your life a little better.
Okay, quitting smoking during spring finals week taught me that there is never a good time for anything, so not an issue. But I must say the rhetorical "you can afford...?" strikes me as a bit condescending. Perhaps my answer to someone with this procrastination would point out that the anticipated daily basis will likely never arise, and even if it does, the wealth of time now at your disposal can be just as disabling as the "bad thing" you're waiting for to end. A sort of "be careful what you wish for" where wishing for a wealth of time and then getting it can be incredibly frustrating when what you write during that wealth of time is either miniscule or worthless!

* I just don't feel like it
** Rebuttal: So what? Do it anyway! If you wait until you feel like it, the task will get done in 10 years if you're lucky. They only way to make yourself feel like it is to get started and get into the flow of the work.
This one I get. There are some days I just don't feel like doing it. But beating myself up by telling myself that it doesn't matter that I don't feel like it invalidates my actually feeling of not wanting to do it! It does matter - it's my feeling and telling myself that I shouldn't be feeling it just invalidates my own experience of it. On these days, I figure it's okay to acknowledge I don't want to do it IF I do something else that is productive and will get me there. On a day like this, I might give myself a choice between the writing project and course prep. Even if I don't want to do either, I still have a choice, and regardless of which one I choose, I get something productive done. If I choose course prep, then on the day I do feel more like writing, I won't have to stop to get the course prep done, and if I write, then, well, I write!

* Why do just a little today - I'll do double tomorrow - I work better when I feel pressure anyway.
** Rebuttal: It's a fallacy that you work better under pressure. It's not true, because anxiety reduces creativity and clear thinking. And doing double the next day will backfire. You will feel less like doing it tomorrow because you've decided you must do double the work, and it will seem more overwhelming and less appealing, so you're even more likely to put it off until the next day.
Okay, I do fall victim to this one sometimes, though not because I think I work well under pressure, but because I just want to do a little today. But deep down, I know that what I'm really saying is I don't feel like doing it, or I'm not in a good mood, and I need to address the underlying reason why I don't want to do it today, or that reason will double in size the next day!

* I can only work in one place (the library, a café, my office) and that place isn't available or I can't get there - so there's no point in working at all.
** Rebuttal: You'd be surprised how much work you can get done no matter where you are. Even if you don't have your laptop with you, you can pull out a scrap of paper and write down a few notes on what you'd like to accomplish in the section you've been working on. Try it!
I've never really felt constrained to only write in my office for example, though I have felt like only writing there can be stultifying sometimes (I have a desktop computer). It is important to learn to write wherever you need to be, and this is just simply a skill that needs to be learned by undertaking it. I suppose if I knew someone who had problems writing elsewhere, I would encourage them to set a weekly challenge of writing in one different space each week to get over that feeling of being only able to write in one space. So I guess my advice would reflect the writer's advice.

* I'm not sure how to do this - I don't know how sitting down and writing will enable me to do it -- it's just hopeless so why even start?
** Rebuttal: If you're not clear enough on what to do, writing may be the only way to get you out of this state. If you truly need help from someone else on this problem, you need to write down the questions clearly. The process of writing them down may clarify the issue for you.
Yes. The process of writing MIGHT clarify the issue. But it also might cloud the issue. I recently read a fairly convincing argument over at Not of General Interest about the potential dangers of writing before you have a clear idea of what you need to write. I realize this answer isn't advocating free writing, but writing out questions, though I really get the idea that sometimes an idea needs to gestate. One of the things I've always loved about conference papers is that there's a huge lag time between proposal and paper, so the idea can gestate for a very long time, which for me means I produce a better paper than say a seminar paper that gets written over the space of a couple of weeks. The downside to "gestating" is that it's hard to tell the difference between it and simple procrastination, so I think you have to be a more experienced writer to know which one is which.

* I didn't write well yesterday, so today will be terrible.
** Rebuttal: Often bad writing days are followed by better ones. The reason to write daily is that your brain is still plugging away on it while you're doing other things or sleeping. So you may surprise yourself today!
Do people really believe that a bad writing day is the start of a string of bad writing days? I suppose my suggestion might be to go back to what you wrote and see if it really is that bad. It might have only felt bad and in the light of a new day might actually have been good. And if it really was bad? Erase all trace of it and start from scratch!

Out of Touch

As you can tell by the dearth of posts lately, I've been busy.

Yes, I know everybody's busy right now. I'm not different.

It's been causing anxiety on and off, which means everytime I try to draft a post, it ends up a whiny, angst-filled screed on everything from academia to traffic. So I won't post them.

I am alive, just a bit overwhelmed at this point and posting will resume once I get through this... problem is, I don't know how long that will take - maybe days, maybe months.

Changing road conditions

In trying to think of a phrase that expresses what it's like to move from vacation mode to home/work mode, I found myself feeling very cliched - things like switching gears or coming down to earth just didn't seem to cut it. Because coming back from this vacation didn't feel like a sudden change.

I think that's because we drove for two days to get back, and then my first day back was spent visiting the new schools I'll be teaching at, picking up books, signing contracts, and such. The travelling gave us the opportunity to start thinking ahead to the upcoming week while still officially on vacation, while the first day of running around wasn't my typical work day.

It wasn't like an abrupt gear switch. In keeping with a transportation metaphor, it would be a bit more like as if you were driving on a four lane highway that then became a two lane highway that then became a gravel road and then a dirt lane. Or maybe more accurately the reverse - moving from a dirt lane to a four lane highway, with each transition giving you a chance to adjust.

I don't know really. I just know I would've been happy with another week away from the daily routine! But we had a good time - we relaxed, we undertook some activities we don't normally do (and had the sore muscles to prove it!), and I got to see a friend who I haven't seen in years, so, yeah, overall, it was a good time.

The instructional design process

Most of our clients are much more reasonable than this, but there are times when I totally get the designer's frustrations!

Vacation!

We're off on vacation in a day or so... until then, I have a huge list of things that need to get done, so I'm busy, but then I'm looking forward to doing next to nothing for a week!

We've decided that each member of the family is responsible for researching and finding one activity to do on one of the days. So far, we've got an interesting mix of activities - can't wait to see what the last one looks like!

Catch ya later!

Casting about

This week I sent off a chapter to my dissertation advisor, and a different one to my other committee members. So that feels good. And I've officially finished all the edits that I've gotten feedback for this summer.

But now I'm starting another chapter, and I'm casting about for a way to get into it. If you've ever seen a fly fisherman fish (or done so yourself), you know what I mean. In fly fishing, it's important to get the fly to land just right, so that it looks realistic as it sits atop the water. The more it looks like a real fly, the more likely you are to be successful in catching a fish.

What this means is that the fly fisherman will cast multiple times, until the placement looks right. The cast is always upstream so that the fly can float with the current, looking just like an insect that has landed on the water. Then the fly fisher waits, watching how the fly moves along with the flow of the water. If it doesn't look realistic, a re-cast is in order. If it looks good, the fisher lets the fly continue downstream till the line is taut and then recasts upstream again, casting until the placement looks right.

For me, starting a new chapter is a lot like fly fishing. I cast about for a way in, first trying this source, then that, contemplating if I should start with a re-read of the theory, a close reading of the primary source(s), a summary of the themes, or another chapter-specific method. What this means is that I tend to jump about a lot. I read a chapter here, another there, review some notes, jot some ideas down, and generally progress rather haphazardly. It's not that I don't know what I want to say or do in the chapter, I just don't know what I need to do to get me started.

When this happened each time I started to write the first few chapters, I got quite concerned. I figured that if I didn't know where to begin, I had no business trying to write a dissertation. Even now, I'm struggling with accepting that this is the way that I find my way into the chapter. I berate myself by comparing myself to all those (possibly imaginary) dissertators out there who sit down with a clear plan of attack for their chapter and start writing, pouring out wisdom every time they sit down at the keyboard.

I'm sure there are dissertators out there who don't need to cast about like I do. They probably finish their dissertations in a year or two, rather than the 3+ that it's taken me to write this thing (so far). But I'm not one of them. I flounder when I begin a new chapter, trying to figure out what will help me get started.

I'm not despairing. After all, I've discovered that this seems to be the way I need to work to get started writing. I tell myself it is not a colossal waste of time if it results in a successful defense at the end. But I sure am jealous of those people who don't cast about time after time before finally getting a bite worth working for!

Grateful

My neighbor's house burnt down last night.



Right down.

I've been lucky in life so far to not be so close to a house fire. I've been near grass fires, and even helped fight one (I was pretty young, so I don't know I did much good, but I did whatever I was told to do). But this house went up fast. The flames were shooting up 30 m above the housetop within minutes and the fire had spread to the second house before the fire trucks even got here, and they were pretty quick.

We're three houses down from the original house and two from the one that the fire spread to, but when you look out my kitchen window, you realize how close the second house it to ours. If the next house had caught, ours would've gone because we're very close on that side to our neighbors house. But it didn't. They did have some water damage through an open window, and they say their house smells of smoke like ours does - we all had our windows open; it was 30 degrees yesterday - but the damage is minimal for them, and everyone is safe. I didn't talk to the other neighbors who were involved, but the policeman we spoke to said they were fine and had called family etc.

One of the boys in the original house was slightly burned and his father had a bad gush on his arm that we helped wrap up till he could get over to the paramedics, but no one was seriously hurt. Considering how fast that house went up, that could easily have not been the case.

We were in the middle of a thunderstorm when the fire broke out, (but the rain stopped just after that unfortunately!) Since there'd been a crash of thunder that seemed very close just before the fire broke out, I assumed the house had been hit by lightning. But the paper said two teens were messing around in the garage with matches and gasoline. That would explain why I saw the 13 year old being led away in tears by a policeman.

Because we were so close, we were evacuated from the house while the fire crews worked the fire.

I had always wondered why police showed up at a fire. Fire crews and paramedics I could understand, but I never really understood why the police showed up until yesterday. They come to manage people. They were the ones who told us to get out, and they went through our house to make sure everyone was out. (We figured that out when we returned and bedroom doors that hadn't been open earlier were standing open. Good thing we followed fire protocols and left the door unlocked so they could get in to check without breaking in.)

The police also commandeered a city bus for us to sit in while we waited, got water and food for evacuees if they needed it, and kept the crowds of onlookers back. And there were crowds! We of course evacuated out the front door, and we stood about ten houses away, behind the police cordon watching for a long time. When it looked like they had the fire under control in the front, we went around the back to see what the damage was like there.

It looked a carnival or something going on.

There's a major thoroughfare running behind our house and we back onto a large parkland area (yes, it's very nice). The place was covered in people. Covered. It looked like they were all there for a festival or something. There were people sitting on the hill watching, standing on the bike path, on the boulevard, across the street, and up the road. There were people everywhere. There were also cars everywhere. The entire boulevard was covered in cars that people had parked on the grass, stopping to watch, but even though some of them had pulled over, two full lanes of traffic going one way was at a standstill. As we watched, police had to come and clear all the vehicles out of the way and then cordon off the road to allow additional rescue vehicles through.

Three hours later, with the sun down and not much to see, I could still just make out groups of people sitting on that hill watching, I don't know what, since there wasn't much left to see.

Even this morning, the place is busy with onlookers, not just the fire crews finishing up their cleanup and inspection. And even though all the news crews were out last night - hubby was interviewed and made the evening news - they are all here again this morning. It's quite the show. I understand human curiosity, but it was still surprising to see how many people spent their entire evening watching someone else's tragedy unfold. I'm just glad it was only property that was damaged. That can be fixed. People can't.

Job market search

Yesterday I made a binder of all the stuff I've been collecting about conducting an academic job search. There's a lot of information provided both by my department and out there on the web, but all of it says the same thing, and none of it answers the magic question "Will I find an academic job I like this year?"

I guess I'll only know the answer to that question by the time next year's hiring season rolls around, at which point, I'll either be moving, or preparing to do the whole thing all over again.

The more official sources talk about how the "big" list starts coming out September 15th with dossiers due in October and interviews (if you get them) at the conference in December. But the more I read, the more I realize there's a lot of hiring that goes on outside that schedule. For instance, on the Canadian academic sites, there are already a couple of listings that fit my qualifications.

But before I get to the point where I'm ready to start sending out materials, there's a lot to be done. I'd been forewarned by my lovely friend who went through this process a couple of times already, so I've started some of it, but there's still much to be done.

The dossier requires a c.v., which is up-to-date except for those two articles I edited this summer which I'll need to see if I can find a publishing ETA for. So that's pretty much done. It also requires a teaching summary of student evaluations and a teaching philosophy. My advisor likes the teaching philosophy I wrote, so that's pretty much good to go, and I just need to enter the last of the student evals. Then I just need to write cover letters for each position as I find them.

The bigger problems are the writing sample, and the letters of recommendation. Two of my committee members are willing to write letters and said so when I met with them last month. The third committee member has much less confidence in me, probably because we haven't worked together as much, and so I worry about what that letter will look like.

You see, I know that I have a very good chance of finishing on time, but because of the backlog of chapters I now have I don't know that they're convinced that I will be. And they need to indicate in their letters that they have confidence I will be finished by the time a job would start next September. So that might be a tricky negotiation.

The other concern is the writing sample. If they like your application enough to consider you for an interview, the first thing they will ask for is a writing sample. This should be about 20 pages and from the dissertation, which means I will need to do some serious editing of a selected chapter to get it to 20 pages since most of my chapters so far are in the 40-60 page range. It also has to be indicative of the kind of scholarship I'm doing, and so far, most of my writing has been in the chapters that set-up, or provide an alternate approach to the core of the dissertation's argument. Yes, for the purpose of the writing sample, this was not a good plan of action, but for the purpose of the dissertation, I think it was the perfect way to tackle the material. So if I get to the point of needing a writing sample, I'll have to do some serious scrambling. But no sense crossing that bridge till I come to it.

So I'm sitting here with a binder full of information that I'm going to hopefully fill with wonderful job opportunities that I will then apply for. I'm both nervous and excited... but mostly nervous...