Frustration

I've had most of the day for writing (even though I have plenty of other work that needs to get done) and I selfishly have designated today a writing day.

But I feel like I'm spinning my wheels.

Part of it is the material - I'm having trouble seeing where I want each section to go and how that fits into the overall goals of the chapter. I don't think there's an actual problem with the chapter - I wrote some really good stuff on Thursday. I just am stuck on this particular part of it. And no, there isn't really another part that I can write instead because I have to figure this part out in order to know how to approach the other sections.

Part of it is because this is the toughest chapter to write. I already blogged about how unusual this chapter is, and how I thought it was really doing some neat stuff no one else has really done.

Problem is, if no one else has really done anything like this before, I don't have any models to follow, and mapping out the argument is a bit tougher because I've never tried to create an argument like this.

But part of the problem is this lingering doubt. I just can't shake it. All the self-talk in the world isn't making it go away. Hearing other people tell me I can do it is really, really lovely, and I believe them. I do. But even that isn't helping. Don't get me wrong, I know I can do this. I know I will do this. I just am not moving forward right now, and that's frustrating.

What's happened is that I've gotten over my doubts about this dissertation. I think it's a damn worthy dissertation, and I think once it's all done it's worthy of a PhD. But now I'm losing faith about the process after that.

The deteriorating job market isn't helping my enthusiasm. I'm not looking at postings and I'm not going out to look for things, but I'm hearing from my blogroll and elsewhere that searches are being cancelled and positions pulled. And then the more I hear about the general economy going down the tubes, the more I wonder if next year will be any better. And then I wonder what the whole point of this whole thing is if I get this dissertation finished and there's nothing out there to apply for anyway. And then I think "I'm not getting any younger" which doesn't help matters. I realize a lot of this has nothing to do with my scholarship, but I'm having difficulty compartmentalizing it.

So it all feels just a bit pointless. No. Not pointless. I'm enjoying the research I'm doing, and even when I have a bad writing day like today, I'm enjoying doing the writing. Self-indulgent might be a better word. I'm doing something I like with what looks like little hope of it paying off, short of giving me another expensive piece of paper to hang on the wall. A bit depressing when you think of it that way.