Casting about

This week I sent off a chapter to my dissertation advisor, and a different one to my other committee members. So that feels good. And I've officially finished all the edits that I've gotten feedback for this summer.

But now I'm starting another chapter, and I'm casting about for a way to get into it. If you've ever seen a fly fisherman fish (or done so yourself), you know what I mean. In fly fishing, it's important to get the fly to land just right, so that it looks realistic as it sits atop the water. The more it looks like a real fly, the more likely you are to be successful in catching a fish.

What this means is that the fly fisherman will cast multiple times, until the placement looks right. The cast is always upstream so that the fly can float with the current, looking just like an insect that has landed on the water. Then the fly fisher waits, watching how the fly moves along with the flow of the water. If it doesn't look realistic, a re-cast is in order. If it looks good, the fisher lets the fly continue downstream till the line is taut and then recasts upstream again, casting until the placement looks right.

For me, starting a new chapter is a lot like fly fishing. I cast about for a way in, first trying this source, then that, contemplating if I should start with a re-read of the theory, a close reading of the primary source(s), a summary of the themes, or another chapter-specific method. What this means is that I tend to jump about a lot. I read a chapter here, another there, review some notes, jot some ideas down, and generally progress rather haphazardly. It's not that I don't know what I want to say or do in the chapter, I just don't know what I need to do to get me started.

When this happened each time I started to write the first few chapters, I got quite concerned. I figured that if I didn't know where to begin, I had no business trying to write a dissertation. Even now, I'm struggling with accepting that this is the way that I find my way into the chapter. I berate myself by comparing myself to all those (possibly imaginary) dissertators out there who sit down with a clear plan of attack for their chapter and start writing, pouring out wisdom every time they sit down at the keyboard.

I'm sure there are dissertators out there who don't need to cast about like I do. They probably finish their dissertations in a year or two, rather than the 3+ that it's taken me to write this thing (so far). But I'm not one of them. I flounder when I begin a new chapter, trying to figure out what will help me get started.

I'm not despairing. After all, I've discovered that this seems to be the way I need to work to get started writing. I tell myself it is not a colossal waste of time if it results in a successful defense at the end. But I sure am jealous of those people who don't cast about time after time before finally getting a bite worth working for!