Mixed messages

Has it ever happened to you that right at the time you need to be the most productive, you start to question whether you can do what you need to do? I don't mean questioning if you can get it done in time - I do that all the time. I mean questioning whether you're capable of it?

Right now I'm getting mixed messages from my committee members about my progress. No, not about my progress. About my ability to do this thing. Advisor #1 has given me good feedback - some of which was a bit distressing because I hadn't realized the glaring problem was there, but good. Advisor #1 is also fully supportive of the run at the market this fall, which is reassuring.

Advisor #2 just sent me some feedback, but it seems to suggest that the two chapters that I've just spent six months sweating over aren't necessary and might not be included in the dissertation. !?! Advisor #2 is also supportive of the job run, but this latest feedback suggests some doubt about the schedule I've set for myself.

[Advisor #3 is silent and has been on all fronts for a long time, which I'm trying not to worry about]

But the latest response from #2 is making me wonder who I should believe. Is #1 correct that I'm on the right track and have a reasonable schedule? Or is #2 correct that my work isn't on track and might not be manageable given the schedule I have set for myself? Whose vision is more accurate?

I know what you're thinking, and I've told it to myself as well. The person who knows best how it's going is me. I should be able to tell which view of this project is most accurate. And my answer is that I'm doing fine and can get this done on my schedule.

But if that's the case, why doesn't #2 see it? I am still a student after all. Perhaps I have the wrong idea of what is needed? Perhaps I don't really have what it takes to write a dissertation. I've successfully written seminar papers, but maybe I can't translate that to the book length project that is the dissertation? What if I'm not really cut out for this career?

I tell myself I've come this far, I've presented conference papers that have gone over well (for the most part - there was one fairly notable stinker in the lot, but overall they've been well received). I've got a couple of things published (I've also had a rejection, but everybody does, right?), and I even won a student prize for an essay. So I must be capable of this, right?

But there's that nasty little voice of doubt that tells me that was all luck and then I start thinking ridiculous things like: What if #2 is right and I'm the first person in the history of the department to fail the defense? I did have one rather spectacular failure during the degree already, maybe the rest has just been people not wanting to tell me the truth.

Ugh. Why is it that I doubt myself now? Is it just continued fall out from that earlier failure? Is it because I really am prescient and can see that this won't work? Then I wonder just how much validation I need to know that I am supposed to be doing this. How many successes will it take to counter those couple of negatives?

And all of this is coming to a head right now in the midst of job material preparation. Self-doubt isn't a great selling strategy for the job search now, is it? I've got to get past this!