Better than expected, yet weird

The conference paper went over better than I expected it to - I really had expected to be challenged about my work, and although I saw a few puzzled faces, there were also a few smiles, and the questions/comments after were encouraging. One other presenter said he liked my style, which was pretty nice to hear since style is something that I've struggled with developing over the last few years.

It has also been weird being here. I found myself contemplating going to the graduate caucus meeting two days ago, then realized that I was no longer a graduate student. So those concerns, although still important, are not directly my concerns anymore.

That felt weird.

And I still find myself gravitating toward talking to graduate students at meet and greets and those kinds of things. Part of that is because graduate students are usually more open to complete strangers approaching them and they attend these things without having an already built-in network of buddies to hang out with.

It means I meet interesting, new people. But unless we both show up at the same conference a few years in a row, it usually doesn't amount to an ongoing connection. Not that those kinds of professional connections will actually be useful. None of us as grad students (or now as a newly doctored but untenured underemployed sessional) have any power in this game. So connections are comfortable, but their networking power will only emerge several years down the road.

There's a sizeable contingent here from my alma mater, and they are all quite intent on sticking to themselves, which unfortunately means that the people who I know from previous encounters don't seem interested in expanding their circle at this conference. So I find others to talk to.

I've talked to some very interesting people, including an international scholar whose name is the same as a very famous actor and who consequently has even better stories than mine about border crossing guard questions. It's been a productive conference so far and the bigger meet and greet is tonight, so I'm interested in meeting other new people as well.

But it will be nice to get back home again, as always.

End of May RBOC

In the last week:

• three weeks after the defense and I finally feel fairly normal again. Not that this will last long (see bullet #4)
• we doubled the size of our patio this weekend by pulling up part of the lawn and installing flagstones. It happened without any major glitches and looks great! There are a couple of hours of additional work that should still be done, mostly because by Monday I was too sore to keep going, but we've just effectively doubled the usable space, which will be really nice this summer.
• youngest daughter is graduating this week! She's pretty happy with the state of affairs, as are we, though it's really hard to believe that she's going to be finished soon! When did I get this old?
  
• I head off to a conference just after youngest daughter's grad. Due to inattention on my part (I booked the flight during a particularly hectic point in the semester), I am flying red-eye to the east coast a mere 3 hours after the grad banquet. Also, I don't sleep well on planes at all, so it's not going to be a pretty arrival. Luckily, I don't present till the second day, which is better than the time I spent the night on the Toronto airport floor and then presented later that morning. Don't want to do that again!
• the paper that I'm delivering came together unlike any paper I've ever written before. It seemed easy, which of course scares me a bit because I suspect it seemed easy only because it's simple-minded. But I felt like I really knew what I wanted to do and just pulled it all together. There was some flailing as I mentioned before, but it was actually much shorter-lived than usual, and I'm inexplicably impressed with the state of the paper. I guess I'll have to see what audience reaction is like to find out if I indeed nailed it, or missed the boat entirely!

So that's what's going on in our neck of the woods. It'll be nice to see June roll around since April and May have seemed really full of activity!

Flailing

After blogging about my excitement about being a doctor now, I'm mired in a mess of writing that feels just like it did when I wasn't yet a doctor. How's that for a shower of cold water on that delight?

The flailing around in this writing project is a bit urgent. The paper needs to be delivered next Saturday at a conference, and I have several meetings, small projects and travel that have to also happen before then. So I've got a little less than a week to turn that flailing in the muck of this draft (very drafty!) into an elegant swan dive (or perhaps just a dog paddle....) [Yes, the metaphor is breaking down]

The time frame makes me a bit anxious in the way that flailing within a dissertation chapter didn't because the time frames there, even though I set many deadlines, were a bit more flexible.

But the great thing about that long and drawn out process of writing (and completing! hehe) a dissertation is that it taught me that the flailing seems to be a necessary part of the process. (At least, it's necessary for me. Perhaps there are people out there who don't flail/just write, but I'm not one of them.) So I know it won't last. If I keep typing/erasing/retyping, and re-reading, and thinking (usually by wandering around the house muttering to myself), I'll get it pulled together.

Knowing I'll do it doesn't make the discomfort of flailing any easier though....

Still tickling my fancy

It's now been two weeks since I passed the defense and officially became a doctor. It still does not fail to delight me to be reminded of that.

I know it'll get old after a while, but right now, hearing someone call me doctor always puts a smile on my face. Can't help it - I'm just so tickled by the fact that it's finally finished!

What know they of cricket who only cricket know?

wrote the great West Indian Marxist CLR James.

Good, Bad and Ugly

THE GOOD:
... is that I have a section of the new GenEd course that I'm going to teach (and am very psyched about) as well as a section of the survey course for fall (whoopee! Got my first choice!). A third course would be good because then I would be able to keep my benefits but we'll see what happens. I might get the poetry survey, since the chair and I figured out it would work nicely into my schedule and it may need to be covered. Two new preps and one second-go-round (which means I'll be revising the course outline), but that's a nice load.

THE BAD:
... is that because of the ugly below, I am all out of sorts today and only just beginning to get my head back into the space it needs to be for the dissertation defense in three short days! I know I can get back into it, but it's a bit disturbing how little concentration I've been able to harness over the last several days.

THE UGLY:
... is the 26cm of snow we got overnight on Thursday (that's almost a foot for you non-metric people). I had an exam at 8am that morning. I left the house at 6am for what is usually a 25 minute drive and yet I was over an hour late for the exam AND had to abandon the car on the side of the road.

This picture was actually taken a few kms from my house but several hours later. When I was leaving the house, the snow was much, much deeper. I dug myself out twice on the way, but the third time, I just couldn't get out and had to abandon the car for the bus. Little did I know that road closures meant the bus stop I was waiting at wasn't going to be serviced. I'm grateful to the good samaritan neighbour who told me the buses weren't getting through and drove me the kilometer to a place where I could catch one!

I managed to get someone else to start the exam, but it still started an hour late, so some students had to leave at the scheduled end time, which meant I spent the rest of Thursday arranging an alternate writing day/time for those students. The last of them finished the exam this morning. So for the last three days, it's just felt like one loooong exam. Very tiring.

Weird part is, it's been gorgeous since then and there's only the tiniest of snowbanks left. Very little proof of the madness that was Thursday morning.

Involuntary changes

This year has been an exciting and interesting year at work with the temporary full-time position I've had. I've learned a huge amount during the year, had some great conversations and gotten a really good idea of what it will be like to be an assistant professor.

But I had harboured a hope that this would be the first step to a more permanent position or at least a first year that would lead in to a second and then perhaps on to something more stable.

Unfortunately, that didn't happen. I will finish off this year and then go back (hopefully) to a part-time position. Which really feels like a bit of a step back. When I first realized my secret hope of progress wasn't going to pan out, I got really bummed. But I've been coming to grips with it, and most of the time, I'm okay with this change of plan. I realize that I shouldn't think of it as a step back. It's just something different.

I'm doing okay with that for the most part. But the hardest part is attending meetings. I can participate in planning, but every conversation like that reminds me that I won't be part of those same kinds of decisions next year. And that's not my choice. Sometimes that's tough.

The Old and the New (and the Dead I suppose)

I recently marked two student papers on Dylan Thomas's "Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night" (1951) and in re-reading the poem myself, I was struck in both cases at the sheer skill and beauty that Thomas employs in this villanelle, one of the more challenging poetic forms to use.

DO NOT GO GENTLE INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rage at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Dylan Thomas 1951

I was reminded of the poem and its expertly conveyed sentiments when I was later listening to Great Bit Sea's "Here and Now" (2007) which parrots Thomas's line about raging against the dying of the light. Of course poor or substandard song lyrics can be sometimes partly rescued by a great sound track, and I do like the one that Here and Now is set to. But when looking at the lyrics more closely, I was surprised at how poor a job those boys from Newfoundland do at capturing the sense of passing time that Thomas captures so well.

Here and Now

The sun must set to rise
The light will leave your eyes again
Then breaking like morning's dawn
Does summer feel the winter come

The hardest part of life
Is to live while you're alive my friend
So sing an unwritten song
Or repent for the deeds you left undone

This is Here
This is Now
It's the moment that we live for
And we just can't live without
It's all clear to me now
We've already started dying
And our time is running out
Oh, Right Now

Time is ours to steal
She's a secret to reveal my friend
And when your children have all grown
You'll wait by the window
And wish them all back home

Walk a little further off the beaten path
And we'll drive on even if we get there last
Our backs against the wall
And we will lunge and bite
And we'll rage, rage, rage
against the dying of the light

Great Big Sea 2007

Don't know that I had anything profound to say about the two - just that I was struck by the difference. Perhaps my appreciation of the Thomas poem is simply because I've been writing about zombies lately, and the sentiment to "lunge and bite" or to "live while you're alive" just seems to cliched to really express the agony of a death that comes too early or unexpected. Maybe it's just because I'm just an old, crusty English prof. Maybe I'm just tired. Who knows?

Doctoral sabbatical?

So at places that offer them, professors get a sabbatical once every, what, 6, 7 years, right?

I began doctoral work in 2002.

I'm just saying...

Classes are over!!

I have not met the end of a semester with such relief in a long time. But come to think of it, last time I was so relieved to see the end of a semester was one where I was also teaching 4 classes. I suppose that tells me that 4's my limit.

Note to self: 3-3 would be ideal; 4-4 manageable (but you will be exhausted come April).

There's a huge stack of marking sitting on my desk, but it's my work desk. I deliberately brought none home this weekend. I figured with the yard in desperate need of springtime attention, two social functions (one full day one) and an R&R that needs to be completed in the next couple of weeks, I had more than enough to worry about.

And it's immensely satisfying to not even have the marking hanging around. Of course it will greet me Monday morning - four large piles of marking sitting right there, front and center when I open the office door - but it's really nice to have left it and to not have it hanging over me for two days.

Hmmm. Must remember how good this feels and have grading-free weekends more often.

Here and There

The "here" being blogging and the "there" being facebooking, I feel like I'm neither here nor there these days. When the productivity on this blog fell off, I thought it was due to facebook. Which to some extent it probably was.

But I've realized also that I was far more prolific a blog writer when I was in the researching/reading stages of comps and dissertation than when I was writing my material up. So maybe it's just that spending days writing - editing - writing has meant I have less energy for the blog writing.

I suppose we shall see, since I submitted the final version of the dissertation last week. Now I just need to wait will the defense rolls around.

Sure, I need to write up something to present during the defense, but I've pretty much chosen what I want to present and moulded it to fit the allotted time. So it really just needs tweaking.

At the same time however, I am experiencing a convergence of previous work - some of it older (i.e. pre-doctoral research that I'm continuing to work on) and some of it coming out of side projects I've inevitably undertaken during the doctoral work. What this means is that I have two pieces of published writing to undertake - one R&R and one revision of a conference paper to article length for consideration. Both have looming deadlines.

There's also the matter of two more conference papers to write up. One is an exploration of a side note in a dissertation chapter, so the foundation is there. The other consists of applying some of the arguments I made in the dissertation to a new area/set of texts. So both are material I've worked with, but pretty significantly modified for a new venue/purpose, which means there's a good bit of work to do there yet.

What I'm saying is that now that I'm not writing the dissertation, I may have more time/inclination for blogging. But then again, I've got enough other writing to do that I won't clear off my plate till mid July, that it might not make a difference.

We'll see. I suppose.

Never Ceases to Amaze

I've experienced this before (and probably blogged it before as well), but there's this strange moment as a developing scholar when you read something you wrote and think, "who wrote that?" with a sense of admiration only to remember that you did. It still blows me away.

(You'll just have to take my word for it that I'm erudite in print. This blog certainly does not indicate that I'm even competent with the language, let alone proficient)

Moments like that never cease to amaze me, but they also make me realize that all the years of training, and all the hours spent thinking, writing, revising, were actually doing something other than just taking time. I haven't been working for years just to reach a goal - PhD - but I've also been developing a vocabulary and academic style that really is different from everyday speech.

It's a strange skill to develop (and mine is by no means WELL developed), but I guess it's one that I'm on my way to having.

Cool.

Busy days ahead

I've got a dissertation date set. Which is very good news.

It also means I've got an awful lot of work to do before the end of April. There are revisions that need to be made in order to get the final version to the committee in time to read before that date. That's the first thing on the list. The good news is that I'm almost finished those revisions.

Through misfortunate timing, I also have a conference paper that I'm presenting next week. It was modified from an article I had been working on, so I got it into pretty good shape during Reading Break. But it still needs some trimming and shaping, which I suspect will need to be done on the plane.

I know people who do that. But I've never had enough confidence in my ability to get something done on such a short schedule to try it. Guess there's a first time for everything!

Wish me luck...!

Does Anyone Actually Watch Survivor Anymore?

Welcome to Rejection Row

I'd like to say I've been feeling like I'm on a roller-coaster, you know, up and down. Because there are days when I feel like I'm up and then down.

But if I was on a roller-coaster, it would be one that's really, really close to the ground. Disappointments seem to abound in my life these days and it's starting to get hard to ignore.

A few weeks ago, the tt-position I had applied for as an internal candidate (and which I figured I had at least a good shot at) was cancelled because of budget cuts. Then the full-time temp position that the department would normally offer (same position I'm in this year) was also cut for the same reason. So I've got part-time work at best next year.

Being resourceful, I started talking about teaching another course for another department. When I spoke to the coordinator last week, he suggested they would definitely need people. Now it's not clear that they will have as many sections of the class (again, the budget) so there are fewer to go around. Which of course means that if you only have enough for current faculty, you won't hire any new ones.

Bummer.

In the meantime, I'm thinking I need a plan B and I need to do as much networking as possible. So I make contact with some people I've done contract work with in the past, reminding them that I'm still around, available, pleasant to work with etc. So that's all to the good.

As part of the networking plan, I register to be considered as a volunteer board member for local non-profits. And I get a call from a place. I'm a little puzzled because although they say they want someone in education, they seem to cater more to K-12. I tell them this. They say, that's okay, we think you'll be good. So I forward my resume and wait for a call for an interview. Then they call and say, no, actually we will go with someone in K-12.

So why did you tell me otherwise first?

And I'm still waiting after two weeks for my committee to agree on a defense date. And I can't get an answer.

Awfully frustrating...

Edited to add: Just after posting this, I got a call from a colleague about some freelance work, so maybe my networking hasn't all been a waste. Then I finally heard this morning from my committee and we've set a date! Nice that things at least aren't all bleak.

Convergences

Earlier this week I had two students in two very different classes mention the same film on the same day. That was a bit weird.

But then I started thinking about it and the more I thought about it the less weird it got. The film was The Invention of Lying. One class was a technical writing class where we were talking about ethics and technical writing. The other was a literature class in which we were talking about Oscar Wilde's The Importance of Being Earnest.

Seems to me that ethics, wit and lying probably do have a good bit in common after all.

So much time - so few words

Lots of things going on in the last month. Some good. Some not so great.

The highlights are that the dissertation is on track to be complete in another month or so. That's great news. But it means a whole lotta work in the next little while.

The lowlight then I guess is that the provincial budget means we need to cut our budget at the school I'm working at. That means I now have no idea what kind of work I'll do next year. That's not so great news.

I have yet to decide the fate of this blog. I have enjoyed it so much in the past - it's just been so terribly busy lately and I've been so unhappy about the job situation that I haven't had the motivation. But I'm feeling better about it now, so perhaps now's the time to revive it.

Struggle... wait... struggle... wait

Struggling through dissertation revisions.

This whole doctoral degree thing-y has sure been a long haul. Most of the time it hasn't felt bad, but the last half year has been extremely frustrating.

Part of that frustration is my difficulty in making sense of what I'm trying to say. So the revisions continue, ad infinitum it seems, and I see the product of those labours. But they're labours nonetheless.

Most of my frustration comes from the slow pace at which I'm getting chapter revision suggestions however. One reader was fabulously quick. Another surprisingly slow. And another (not unsurprisingly) even slower yet. Which means we're going on six months of waiting.

Did I mention I'm not good at waiting?

The auto industry puzzling? Naaah...

Question: Why is it that car commercials these days seem to focus almost exclusively on gadgets? You can change the colour of your cupholders, talk to your CD player to choose which song to listen to, or call someone by pressing buttons on your steering wheel.

All wonderful little things.

But why are these the main selling points in ads today? What happened to discussions of fuel efficiency or safety or even cost? The primary purpose of the automobile is still its mobility, no? So why is it the perks that suddenly seem more important?

Holiday leftovers

Usually holiday leftovers consist of turkey and stuffing, but in my case, the leftovers consist of editing work that needs to be done.

I finally have feedback from one of my readers at least and can begin editing the dissertation draft in earnest. But I've been away from it for so long that it seems almost unreal to return to it. Remembering what I was doing is a task that seems to be much more difficult than it should be.

But the holidays were good and the end of last term (and December more generally) seemed hectic, so it was good to relax and do very little writing. But now it is time to get back to it. I'm still waiting for one reader's comments, but idealistically, I'm hoping that a full edit before those comments might make them more manageable, and might actually anticipate some of those final comments.

Here's to a new year and the hope that I'll add three letters to the end of my name!