Academic Sponges

When I think of a metaphor to describe my academic career, I sometimes think of a sponge.

I know that's not terribly pretty, and depending on your experience with sponges, it might even be slightly disgusting, reminding you of clean up jobs that you'd rather not remember. But think of it as a nice clean washing sponge or the sort that one might have used before the advent of the ubiquitous loofah sponge. You know, the ones the size of small dinner plates with all those lovely big holes in them.

Anyway. I sometimes feel like my academic career to this point has been like a sponge, soaking up other people's ideas. In classrooms, at conferences, reading books and articles, I feel like I always know so very little about what people are talking about that I just soak it all in.

As a sponge, every once and a while I get a poke, and some of what I've soaked up comes back out in the form of a conference paper or an article, and a really big poke (by my committee to some extent but mostly a self-imposed impatience to finish things) resulted in the dissertation.

Of course this creates a problem that I think I've mostly shed at this point, but that haunts me nevertheless. Because some of what I read wasn't necessarily smart or useful. Especially during my undergraduate career, some of the things I chose to read for research papers and the like wasn't always good.

Which has me wondering how I might integrate more critical analysis of sources into my classes so that my students don't base their research on shoddy sources. I'm thinking of incorporating a research proposal into my lit classes and maybe even the gen ed one so that I have the opportunity to engage in conversation with students about the sources they are considering useful to their projects and steer them away from the superficial or less useful ones. If nothing else, such an exercise should result in better research papers, even if it does little for the student's understanding of quality scholarship and ability to critically analyze sources.

At least, that's what I'm thinking.

Forecast: flurries

No, the Great White North is not going to be getting snow in August... though the way the weather's been so changeable this summer, I wouldn't be surprised. Not that I want it to snow...! *knock on wood*

No, it's a flurry of emails over the last three days that I suspect will just continue to snowball.

It's our first week 'back' at the university, even though classes don't start for another three weeks, and suddenly my daytimer is filling with events/meetings and I've gotten emails from pretty much every department on campus, welcoming me back.

Not to mention the emails about contracts that still need to be drawn up and signed over the next few weeks, and last minute class assignments that now need syllabi and textbook orders. (I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the bookstore can get them in on time, though they should have plenty of time)

It feels like I went from merrily working away on my scholarship last week to a sudden need to finish syllabi (actually, it's mostly just finishing schedules at this point) and start teacher-thinking mode instead. It's a bit of a jarring transition, and the urgency of some of that email flurry isn't helping matters!

Going back and seeing familiar faces

I've been thinking about the 'going back' phase of summer. It's that time when August is in full swing and I start to think about the upcoming semester.

Sometimes there's a sense of panic because I haven't gotten as much done over summer as I had hoped. Sometimes it's with anticipation at teaching a new course.

This year, I've both got new courses - including one that is essentially teaching the dissertation (and I'm not even on the tt track!) - and the panic isn't manifesting since I had almost no expectations for work this summer and what few ones I did have are fulfilled.

I am a little confused and dazed as I try to figure out where to go next with the dissertation. But that makes the prospect of focusing on teaching for a bit pleasant as it will be a distraction from the problem of what to do next and I suspect sometime during that distraction an idea will emerge that will be worth following up on.

I'm also eager to meet my students this year. The class list for one of my classes isn't posted yet, but of the other two, I spotted a few familiar names, and I'm looking forward to getting to know these students in a new class.

Recognizing names on a list is one thing. But I've also been running into my colleagues in some of the most unexpected places. I met two colleagues - one from my department and one from another one - when I was on the coast for vacation. They weren't together, so seeing familiar faces in two different places on the same day was odd. Then two days later and 300 kms away, I bumped into another colleague when we stopped in a small town for lunch. Apparently we all like vacationing in similar places! Finally, I met another colleague last night at a restaurant in town that just opened two weeks ago.

Familiar faces and familiar names. Frankly, I can't wait to go back!

(I know, I know, remind me of this post in a couple of months and I won't believe I wrote it, but there it is!)

When did the twenty-first century begin?

At a recent conference - the first I'd ever seen on twenty-first century literature - I found myself surprised by how many speakers referenced 9/11 as one of the markers for the beginning of the century.

Hmmm....

I was frankly a bit surprised by it and so much so that I feel the need to blog about it by wondering at the markers that signal literary periods. Aside from the gloominess of defining a century by its disasters, what really surprised me the most is that almost every person who mentioned 9/11 in the context of a marker of the twenty-first century was not American.

That surprised me because I guess I hadn't thought of the disaster as being indicative of the century. This is of course partly because I work in representations of science and technology (and by extension, science fiction), so I tend to think in timelines that involve technological change or scientific paradigm shifts and such. But falling so soon after the beginning of the century, the 9/11 event does seem an ideal marker.

But at the same time that it makes it easy to mark off centuries of literature according to the calendar, there are exceptions.

Of course there's the long eighteenth century... Although I'm not a specialist in this area, I realize that there are long discussions (often at the curricular level) about what constitutes eighteenth century literature.

And the nineteenth century often gets chopped into two separate sections because a "long" nineteenth century is really, really long, so that we have the Romantics and the Victorians (at least on the English side of the house).

Even the twentieth century has been divided fairly consistently between the early part of the century, sometimes defined as pre-WWII, but more often associated with the modernist style that developed shortly after the century began, and the post-WWII or "postmodern" period. (There are problems with the label postmodern, but I don't want to take that detour right now)

So then, where does this post-WWII period or postmodern period end (i.e. where does the twentieth century end) and where does the twenty-first one begin?

Standing so close to that line, wherever it might be drawn, makes it difficult to see it, and certainly most of the lines we've drawn through the literature of the past have been assigned to those periods long after they were over. The benefits of hindsight operate healthily in this respect.

But where does the twenty-first century begin?

Y2K?

1989?

9/11?

Now you might be wondering, 1989? What's up with that?

Well, there were several events in 1989/1990 that might make it valid to include the last decade of the twentieth century in the twenty-first, depending on how things unfold as we continue into this century, of course. 1989 was the year of Tiananmen Square and the fall of the Berlin Wall, both events that changed the political landscapes of the East and the West

On the literary front, the fatwa against Salman Rushdie for The Satanic Verses, although not the first case of attempted censorship through violence, was certainly widely reported and the upsurge of anti-Western sentiment that has built since then certainly attests to the critical effect of such beliefs in the world.

On the scientific front, the Human Genome Project was conceived in the late eighties, with an official start date of 1990. Although it seems somewhat anti-climactic now, at the time, the promises of genomics seemed endless and the project was hailed as a marvel that would allow us to cure all kinds of diseases. (Even though the promise of the project seemed to offer more than it delivered, it was that promise and the envisioned new future that seems to me to be a marked break with the more mundane visions of science in the post WWII period. But I can be wrong.)

So, when did the twenty-first century begin?

It's a question whose answer I'm hoping to watch unfold over my career. And that's exciting to me.

Organizational woes

I think I've mentioned before that I signed up for Library Thing in order to keep track of my books (and because I suspect if I ever have to make an insurance claim, the company won't believe me when I tell them the number of books I own). I also signed up for Movie Collector Plus for the same reason.

But I've had to juggle book space a lot in the last few years, which means I sometimes know that I own a book, but can't figure out which bookshelf it's on! Which means I need to spend long periods of time scanning shelves looking for something that's not where it used to be.

So, the question is: would it be extravagant to buy a RFID system to keep track of them?

Just wondering...

Addressing website audiences

Gearing up for the fall semester and the job hunt, which means cruising university websites on a regular basis, this illustration seems absolutely appropriate:



It also reminds me of the kinds of things clients have wanted on their opening pages for elearning projects: statements of purpose, information about the genesis of the project, almost-vacuous statements about what this elearning project will do for you. The latter I really doubt as being useful since people will end up on the page because they've been told to, or because they know what advantage it will provide.

At the same time that I take the point the illustration is making, that there's a kind of generic expectation of websites that their first pages will be filled with this kind of fluff. And it makes a certain kind of sense, just like the acknowledgments page is often the first one in a book, but of limited interest to many readers (or the copyright page for that matter).

Besides, how would one fit all of those things in the right-hand circle that people are looking for on to one page? The difference between the right-hand circle and the left, is that the left is written for a generic kind of reader - an ideal one - who doesn't really exist (or if they do, it's only a few individuals who are looking for this information). Actually, as a job seeker, those statements of purpose can be very handy for getting a grip on what the university thinks of itself and what kind of teaching will take place there, so perhaps the information in the left-hand circle really is more useful than the illustration implies.

But the problem with making the information on the right-hand circle the primary page is that it addresses at least three different audiences: staff and faculty of the school, students at the school, and outside parties interested in attending/visiting the school. That's a lot of audiences for one page to address and address effectively.

The way webpages are conventionally set up, there's a large space near the middle, intended to address the audience interested in the page. But when you've got several audiences, which one would you privilege? This is why those primary pages often include navigation that separates users into functions, i.e. "for students" "for alumni" "for faculty" etc. in order to then address that audience and only that audience in that next level of webpage.

So I take the point of the illustration that much of what's on the left-hand side of it is information few are interested in. But given the number of different users of a university website, it seems that such general pages are by default the best use of the first page.

Empty

My house is feeling quite empty these days. It has been moving toward that state for a while, but more so this last week after youngest daughter moved out.

It's odd. I realize that objectively, the house is not really changed since her departure. Yes, she took a couple of small pieces of furniture and her personal items with her. But my sense of the house being empty is more subjective. I realize there are no children in house anymore and they won't be living with me again.

They visit. In fact, two called on Monday to say they wanted to come over, so we had dinner together (the third was out during the day and too tired to come by, or everyone would've been here). That spontaneous get together was nice. But it also reinforced that they are gone. At the end of the night, they both left for their own homes.

Some days I don't notice it. But on others, I feel like a ping pong ball, bouncing around inside the shell of the house.

Archive Fever

"Contemporary culture is increasingly conscious of its own present as the object of a future memory"
Mark Currie, About Time: Narrative, Fiction, and the Philosophy of Time

The Masterworks Meme

The Masterworks Meme, from The Speculative Scotsman via The World in a Satin Bagcharts some of the must reads of a science fiction education. So. In bold, the books I've read. The books I own but haven't yet read are italicised.

NB: Some of the SF Masterworks were released in a line of special hardcovers - denoted by roman numerals - as well as the paperbacks we all own a few of, so there are a few duplicates in the list.

I - Dune - Frank Herbert
II - The Left Hand of Darkness - Ursula K. Le Guin
III - The Man in the High Castle - Philip K. Dick
IV - The Stars My Destination - Alfred Bester
V - A Canticle for Leibowitz - Walter M. Miller, Jr.

VI - Childhood's End - Arthur C. Clarke

VII - The Moon Is a Harsh Mistress - Robert A. Heinlein

VIII - Ringworld - Larry Niven

IX - The Forever War - Joe Haldeman

X - The Day of the Triffids - John Wyndham

1 - The Forever War - Joe Haldeman

2 - I Am Legend - Richard Matheson

3 - Cities in Flight - James Blish

4 - Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? - Philip K. Dick

5 - The Stars My Destination - Alfred Bester

6 - Babel-17 - Samuel R. Delany

7 - Lord of Light - Roger Zelazny

8 - The Fifth Head of Cerberus - Gene Wolfe

9 - Gateway - Frederik Pohl

10 - The Rediscovery of Man - Cordwainer Smith

11 - Last and First Men - Olaf Stapledon

12 - Earth Abides - George R. Stewart

13 - Martian Time-Slip - Philip K. Dick

14 - The Demolished Man - Alfred Bester

15 - Stand on Zanzibar - John Brunner

16 - The Dispossessed - Ursula K. Le Guin

17 - The Drowned World - J. G. Ballard

18 - The Sirens of Titan - Kurt Vonnegut

19 - Emphyrio - Jack Vance

20 - A Scanner Darkly - Philip K. Dick

21 - Star Maker - Olaf Stapledon

22 - Behold the Man - Michael Moorcock

23 - The Book of Skulls - Robert Silverberg

24 - The Time Machine and The War of the Worlds - H. G. Wells

25 - Flowers for Algernon - Daniel Keyes

26 - Ubik - Philip K. Dick

27 - Timescape - Gregory Benford

28 - More Than Human - Theodore Sturgeon

29 - Man Plus - Frederik Pohl

30 - A Case of Conscience - James Blish

31 - The Centauri Device - M. John Harrison

32 - Dr. Bloodmoney - Philip K. Dick

33 - Non-Stop - Brian Aldiss

34 - The Fountains of Paradise - Arthur C. Clarke

35 - Pavane - Keith Roberts

36 - Now Wait for Last Year - Philip K. Dick

37 - Nova - Samuel R. Delany

38 - The First Men in the Moon - H. G. Wells

39 - The City and the Stars - Arthur C. Clarke

40 - Blood Music - Greg Bear

41 - Jem - Frederik Pohl

42 - Bring the Jubilee - Ward Moore

43 - VALIS - Philip K. Dick

44 - The Lathe of Heaven - Ursula K. Le Guin

45 - The Complete Roderick - John Sladek

46 - Flow My Tears, the Policeman Said - Philip K. Dick

47 - The Invisible Man - H. G. Wells

48 - Grass - Sheri S. Tepper

49 - A Fall of Moondust - Arthur C. Clarke

50 - Eon - Greg Bear

51 - The Shrinking Man - Richard Matheson

52 - The Three Stigmata of Palmer Eldritch - Philip K. Dick

53 - The Dancers at the End of Time - Michael Moorcock

54 - The Space Merchants - Frederik Pohl and Cyril M. Kornbluth

55 - Time Out of Joint - Philip K. Dick

56 - Downward to the Earth - Robert Silverberg

57 - The Simulacra - Philip K. Dick

58 - The Penultimate Truth - Philip K. Dick

59 - Dying Inside - Robert Silverberg

60 - Ringworld - Larry Niven

61 - The Child Garden - Geoff Ryman*

62 - Mission of Gravity - Hal Clement

63 - A Maze of Death - Philip K. Dick

64 - Tau Zero - Poul Anderson

65 - Rendezvous with Rama - Arthur C. Clarke

66 - Life During Wartime - Lucius Shepard

67 - Where Late the Sweet Birds Sang - Kate Wilhelm

68 - Roadside Picnic - Arkady and Boris Strugatsky

69 - Dark Benediction - Walter M. Miller, Jr.

70 - Mockingbird - Walter Tevis

71 - Dune - Frank Herbert

72 - The Moon Is a Harsh Mistress - Robert A. Heinlein

73 - The Man in the High Castle - Philip K. Dick

74 - Inverted World - Christopher Priest

75 - Kurt Vonnegut - Cat's Cradle

76 - H.G. Wells - The Island of Dr. Moreau

77 - Arthur C. Clarke - Childhood's End

78 - H.G. Wells - The Time Machine

79 - Samuel R. Delany - Dhalgren

80 - Brian Aldiss - Helliconia

81 - H.G. Wells - Food of the Gods

82 - Jack Finney - The Body Snatchers

83 - Joanna Russ - The Female Man

84 - M.J. Engh - Arslan

*I'm in the process of reading this one, but just about finished

Since I've begun to read science fiction again, it seemed appropriate to play along and wonder about how many of these I'd read, owned, and have yet to read. Not bad.

Peripatetic estrangement

One of the civilizing effects of travel is often thought to be the exposure to different cultures in order to develop an appreciation for the global and realization that the local is, well, indeed, local, and not the only way to skin a cat, so to speak. Hence, the Grand Tour that the gentrified encouraged their (male) progeny to embark upon before settling down to run their estates, or the updated "year off" or "year abroad" backpacking through Europe that is supposed to perform a similar function for the more nouveau gentrified classes in North America.

I won't argue that time in another country is not valuable. It certainly helps to remind you that there is indeed more than one way of doing things and whether the cultural differences you encounter are only mildly odd or downright baffling in their strangeness, they can be enlightening.

[Having read that last sentence, you'll notice that I used the word "can" rather than "are" since in this age of all-inclusive resorts and whirlwind Europe-in-a-week (complete with tour guide) travel options, one can remain blissfully unaware of those differences if one so desires]

But there's also an estrangement that happens when you return home. I know my parents spoke of the "reverse culture shock" they experienced when we returned from our two year stint in Brasil. Since I was young, I certainly noticed differences (though the things I noticed were no doubt very different than the ones my parents did), but for the most part, there was little "shock" in them.

When we returned from living in the U.S., I certainly noticed cultural differences, particularly in the media and in accents, but even traveling to the Caribbean last year or Europe, there was a moment - when I first got into my own car actually - when I felt estranged from my own culture. Most of that seemed to be centered on the enormous size of our vehicles here, which seemed bloated and bullyish as I navigated streets near my home.

But there's also a sense of a shifting pace that contributes to that estrangement as you move from the pleasure- and transport-centered activities of travel, to the more circumscribed and sedentary activities of work and house maintenance. The vivid everyday activities of the other country are slowly replaced by the mundane and repetitive sameness of the same city, job, and house as you slip back into the ordinary. It's not a bad thing, just a strangely transitional place to be.

Placeholder

First google decided I was some kind of spammer and blocked me out of all my accounts. Then I left for vacation. That's my explanation for the radio silence.

Yes, it's a touch pathetic and pedestrian. But such is life.

More anon.

Editorial snafus... con't

So I've finally gotten through the comments for the one solitary, strident reviewer for the r&r I was talking about a few days ago. I think I've done what's necessary to make him (and the editor) happy, so we're in the final stages.

But then I get an email from a journal editor who tells me *I* will miss the deadline for this year's journal. This is because apparently I was supposed to know that when an email came out in spring with a deadline for submission attached, it was the deadline for the edited version (i.e. after reviewers), not my deadline for submitting it.

So then I get a followup email that finally clarifies it (apparently, I'm not the only submitter who didn't realize the deadline was for the post-edit version when we're still in submission stage). So I hustle my ass to get the paper polished up and sent off. And I did send it off, in the midst of all kinds of other dissertation defense/conference presentation work.

Three weeks after sending it off, I finally get an email from the editor indicating receipt (apparently said editor was not checking email while out of town?!) and that it will be sent to reviewers. I just got an email this week saying, 'like the article, but oops, not enough time to revise before the deadline at the end of the month... perhaps you'd like to wait till next year to submit?'

No, I'd not like to wait till next year. I wanted it on the cv for this year, you know, when I go on the market? What good will it do next year?

I'm really frustrated right now, which is why I haven't crafted a response yet. But I'm seriously considering reworking it for a different journal and sending it out in the hopes of getting it accepted before October when I need to start sending my cv out. It's well placed for this particular journal, but it could be slightly reworked for a different one.

More decisions.

Wading

It's amazing how much can pile up when you haven't filed anything for the last ten months and have produced at least two drafts of a dissertation!

I've spent way more time analyzing the comments than addressing them

I have. I have spent more time... no, correction, probably not more - but far too much... time analyzing the comments on the r&r that is due next month than addressing them.

Part of why I say that is because the described weaknesses of the paper fall into two primary areas, both of which are actually fairly easily addressed by revision of my prose and clarification of what I'm already saying, rather than having to go do additional research or reading to add to the essay. But a bigger part of it is because the comments struck me as so bizarre.

When I opened the file with the comments, my first impression of the summary comments was of someone yelling and jumping up and down, trying desperately to get my attention when everyone within eyesight and earshot knew what was going on. No, honestly, I had the recurrent flash of vision, almost as if I could see it out the corner of my eye, or a leprechaun or midget, fists clenched, veins popping, jumping up and down in the corner, yelling "listen! listen! listen!" Not a word of a lie. It's an image that I'm having real trouble shaking as I continue to work on the comments.

And I've had these comments for two weeks now. This isn't my initial run through. I've read them again and again, trying to get over the tone of the comments to get at the substance.

I think I've gotten to the heart of the substance, and that substance is fair and a good evaluation of the weaknesses of the paper. But the tone of the thing is really, really off.

I've had harsh comments before. One of the professors in my doctoral program was well known for harsh comments on papers, and some of the harshest of those are still remembered and routinely quoted when we convene over drinks. I've also gotten comments on a few publications, including one that rejected the article entirely (which hurts of course). But neither the quotable harshness of that professor or the harsh reality that my writing didn't measure up to the journal's expectations can match the off-putting nature of these comments.

Like I said, the criticisms are legitimate, and I'm finding them useful in shaping the piece into a better essay. But the tone is strident and hyperbolic in its insistence that THIS IS A PROBLEM!

Okay, dude! You don't have to shout. I sent this article in knowing it would be peer reviewed and knowing how peer review works. I send the article, two to three people read it and evaluate its strengths/weaknesses, the editor sends it back to me, I address the weaknesses and then send it back again to the editor with an explanation of how I addressed the reader's comments. This is the way the process works. You don't need to yell at me to get me to listen to the weaknesses - I want to produce quality work that will be accepted as valuable by my peers.

But it's this question of quality work that is now making me wonder if I should not send the article back.

When I submitted to this edited volume, I checked out the editor, who seemed to be doing interesting work at a good school. And the topic of the edited collection was novel and provocative. So I submitted an abstract.

They rushed me to get the full article in, but I made the deadline and then waited. Their own deadlines for review came and went (twice), but I finally got the reviewer's comments at the end of May (the day after my conference presentation - how convenient!)

When I opened the comments, I read through, noting the strident tone, but realizing that those comments might be mitigated by more reasonably-toned second reader comments.

But there were none. I had expected at least two readers, even if they couldn't garner three, but I only got the one reader's comments, which meant that I would now have to rely on my own sense of how to tease apart tone from content, rather than being able to start by finding places where both reviewers had agreed (which is usually a good sign that those are the changes to start with!)

I also started to worry and wonder. First, I worried whether I'd gotten enough feedback to produce a quality product. But I also started to wonder about the one reviewer chosen, since he indicated in two places that he has a) not read the novel the article discusses, and b) is not an expert in the theoretical area that largely governs the reading of that novel. Then as I continued to read, it seemed that the reviewer also didn't have a clear idea of the conventions of the genre under discussion as well.

So I began to wonder: why was this reviewer chosen?

The answer seems to be either proximity or desperation.

See, one of the things about electronic editing, is that Word very nicely labels the comments entered into a document with the name of the registered user of the computer they're created on. In this case, a quick google of the name on the comments turned up a graduate student in American literature at the university where the editor works. A graduate student. Who studies American, not British literature. Whose only conference presentation I could find works in a genre and period that are both very different from mine.

Now do you see why I'm wondering if I should do the r&r?

I'm having doubts for two reasons:
1) I haven't gotten feedback from an expert in the field (or text, or genre) in which I'm writing. That means I'm really relying upon my own sense of the validity of the research. I'm a pretty junior scholar (though not as junior as my reviewer) so I know I can use the help of more senior scholars. My ego's not that big that I don't know my own weaknesses and having someone who has less experience than me give me the only feedback just makes me a wee bit nervous.
2) The editor did not/could not find someone in my field to review the paper, let alone two or three people. Which of course makes me wonder why the editor could find so few reviewers. Was it just a matter of timing? Is mine the odd-man-out and didn't fit well with the reviewers they'd lined up? Is this just sloppy editorial work? Did someone back out of reviewing?

I do realize that although the publication could be listed as peer-reviewed, it is essentially the same as a non-reviewed edited collection. So it's not going to be prestigious or count a lot toward the development of my cv. And it's not like I have a reputation to uphold. But I hope to have one at some point.

Will I be making a fatal mis-step if I let this publication go ahead? Or will the potentially inferior status of the edited collection still look better on my cv than nothing at all?

Decisions, decisions.

Keeping the momentum going

Perhaps I could say something clever about energy and buckballs, which is what this Montreal museum is modeled on, but I don't have anything clever to say.

It was only a few weeks ago, but the trip to Montreal feels like ages ago, probably mostly because it was nice and warm there most of the time while here it's been raining off and on for the month. Rain always seems to make days drag for me.

And that's part of my problem right now in keeping the momentum going - I've got lots of projects on the go, but I'm also finding the days and days of time spent mostly at home in front of my computer really drag the will to work out of me. So I've been resurrecting all those tried and true methods for keeping myself motivated when I'm the only one around. So far they're (mostly) working. Actually, they really only ever work most of the time, so I can't complain.

At the same time, the isolation of working from home is tough to deal with sometimes. Although I can have very productive days, at other times, I feel restless and uninspired in ways that don't seem to happen as often when I'm at a workplace (even if that's only part time).

My summer will be nicely broken up with one long trip (to the UK) and a few shorter ones planned, so the reward of getting to do fun things on vacation is part of that motivating strategy. But on a rainy day like today when I'm struggling to address a reader's comments on an article that needs to be revised, they seem very far away!

Relativity

I was tooling around the internets because I'm putting off doing any serious work and getting tired of filing papers that need to be filed when I came across something that stopped me for a moment.

A blogger described turning 39 and finally realizing that he/she had reached adulthood.

Hunh??

I realize my biography is a bit unusual, but I felt the full weight of adulthood somewhere in my early twenties when I realized that life was no longer a game, and the things that you did had really long term consequences. I don't mean that I first learned to really regret at that point. But I did realize that you only get one chance at this, and if you piss it away by screwing around with your life, then you have no one but yourself to blame. And then later you will regret that you pissed away your time and energy on things that didn't count (and I don't just mean careers or money; I mean people and relationships too).

To me, that's what realizing you're an adult is about. It's not about managing your own money or having your own place, or buying your first car. But it is about realizing that there's no one else in the world who has the responsibility for what you do. No one to blame or praise but yourself.

It was also in my early twenties that I realized that me screwing up could screw up other people's lives too, because none of us are isolated, even when it seems that we are, and you're responsible for thinking not only about your own life, but the lives of those people you interact with. I don't mean that you have to worry about what kind of day the grocery clerk is having. But you do have to consider how your actions will affect your family members, friends, or even your coworkers.

I'm not talking altruistic sacrifice. Just an awareness that every action you take has a ripple effect in the world. Some of those ripples are small, but some can cause effects that you can't possibly anticipate. So you want to make the right choices and making the right choices includes considering that you're not the only person who those choices will affect. Sometimes the best choice will hurt other people. That's to be expected at times. But like in many other things, awareness seems to me to be an important feature of decision making. You make the tough choices, but make them as fully aware of the consequences as you can.

So I was surprised that someone who has been around for several decades already felt the revelation of adulthood at 39. And now I'm curious. What does his/her biography look like that we might come to the same understanding at such radically different ages in our lives?

Maybe I just misunderstood. Maybe the revelation of adulthood was something that I have yet to understand. Maybe I've just been playing at adulthood all along and I'm a little slow on the game and will reach the same stage soon (hopefully). Perhaps my understanding of adulthood is different or not quite complete and I haven't really "got" it yet.

But this little story also made me realize how very different life is for every one of us. It reminded me that my story is not yours; and yours is not mine. And if I'm going to understand your story, I need to listen to it without trying to impose mine on it. Food for thought.

Anyone up for a bonfire?

I sorted through the drafts, and drafts, and drafts! of the dissertation today. Now I have a big pile of paper that I can either recycle or burn.

Good thing we just reworked our patio and firepit. If you bring the marshmallows, I have the fuel!

Two forward, one back... or is it one forward and two back?

Alien on a street corner. Yup, that feels about right these days.

To say that things feel weird since the defense would be accurate and yet doesn't quite capture what life feels like these days. It's weird as in not normal but not weird as in alien. And that's got me feeling a bit off.

See, when I look at life, I'm doing the same kind of stuff I was doing before the defense. I'm still writing conference papers and planning syllabi (which is usual between-semester activity). But without that big project in the background, I feel a bit directionless.

I know, I know. Everyone says how lucky and nice it is to have the luxury of not having that big project hanging over my head. And I should be happy that I have time to figure out what I want to do in the next big project.

It should be a luxurious time to just read whatever I want and think about what kinds of things I'd like to do next. But it hasn't felt like that, and I think I finally figured out why today. I packed up my work office this afternoon - in the move from f/t back to p/t, I'll have to move from a solo to a shared office. That left me a little down - nothing serious - just a little sad at what feels like a step backwards.

And I think that's why I've felt so rudderless after the defense. I finish this big huge project, and what happens? I move a step back. The first thing after the defense and I'm sliding two steps back instead of moving forward. And that makes me wonder if that's somehow indicative of the kind of progress (or lack thereof) that I'll make now that I'm on my own.

I mean, I don't really wonder. But it does seem terribly ironic that I work fulltime and defend in one year, then the best I can manage is a part time position and no idea what project I want to undertake next. When you put it that way, it sure feels like a seismic shift, a sliding backward, that I don't really believe is a portent of things to come. But somewhere in my guts, there's an uneasy feeling of discomfort with the situation. That's not making me happy.

Of course, all this rain isn't helping either - it's June for crying out loud! Where's the sun?

Why does it have to be this way?

So the conference paper is mostly written. It needs some tweaking because it's probably 2-3 minutes too long, and I don't doubt that there are some sentences that I'll discover are awkward once I read them aloud.

But it was so hard to get it put together!

I knew what I wanted to say, and as I indicated before, it was actually easier than what I thought I was trying to argue, but it still was a struggle to get it together. I had a terrible time forcing myself to work through the material.

So even though it's done and that's good, I ask you, why does it have to be so hard??

Well now I'm just confused

So the conference paper went well and I had time to do some additional revision work on an article that I sent off to a new publication source. Let's hope they're either interested, or at least send back some useful reviewers reports. The confusion I'm experiencing isn't related to the work completed, but to what's to come.

So the conference paper and revision week were last week where I 1) presented the conference paper, 2) revised an article and sent it out before the deadline for the special topic issue, and 3) drafted a conference paper proposal.

As I indicated in the first paragraph, the first two tasks were accomplished in reasonable style and timeliness. The third - the conference paper proposal - was slow in coming together and I was struggling with the wording really badly the one evening while I was there.

So instead of struggling through - which is the strategy I tend to first when I encounter trouble with writing - I left the abstract and went to bed. That was a good thing, it turned out. The next morning I awoke to an email invitation to submit to another conference. An invitation! That's kinda cool. Yes, it was an invitation to a conference that my university is hosting, which means they were just looking for someone nearby. But that conversation with one of the members of the department (who happens to be on the conference committee) the other week paid off. When they needed someone to round out a panel, my name came up, all as a direct result of just chatting with someone about the work I was doing.

So I submitted to the home university conference rather than far-away-and-in-a-different-country conference. Which is all kinds of nice.

What I'm confused about though is what happened when I got home.

I knew that I would spend most of June on an R&R (which came via email later on the day of my conference presentation) and on the conference paper for the July conference. But a weird thing happened between my submission of the abstract and getting the time (now) to write it.

See, I thought the paper proposal I'd sent in was about literary representations of nanotechnology. That's what has been in the back of my mind every time I would think of the conference over the last several months. But yesterday I pulled out the actual abstract I sent. It was about autonomy and identity in literary representations of future technologies. Not quite the same.

I can talk about nanotech in this paper if I wish, but given the scope I laid out when I first proposed the paper, there's little to no need to go into any detail about nanotech.

In some ways, this makes the paper an easier one to write because I don't have to do as much reading (and re-reading) as I thought I'd have to.

But I'm having a terrible time adjusting to the new topic. It's thrown me for a bit of a loop, frankly; hence, the confusion. I'm just not sure where to begin. I know I'll find it, but right now, it's just not coming to me.

What I can't figure out is why I was so terribly sure I was going to have to read Feynman and Sargent and a bunch of other stuff on nanotech, when I didn't originally propose that, and what I did propose is a far better topic for me to try to tackle. Odd.

Better than expected, yet weird

The conference paper went over better than I expected it to - I really had expected to be challenged about my work, and although I saw a few puzzled faces, there were also a few smiles, and the questions/comments after were encouraging. One other presenter said he liked my style, which was pretty nice to hear since style is something that I've struggled with developing over the last few years.

It has also been weird being here. I found myself contemplating going to the graduate caucus meeting two days ago, then realized that I was no longer a graduate student. So those concerns, although still important, are not directly my concerns anymore.

That felt weird.

And I still find myself gravitating toward talking to graduate students at meet and greets and those kinds of things. Part of that is because graduate students are usually more open to complete strangers approaching them and they attend these things without having an already built-in network of buddies to hang out with.

It means I meet interesting, new people. But unless we both show up at the same conference a few years in a row, it usually doesn't amount to an ongoing connection. Not that those kinds of professional connections will actually be useful. None of us as grad students (or now as a newly doctored but untenured underemployed sessional) have any power in this game. So connections are comfortable, but their networking power will only emerge several years down the road.

There's a sizeable contingent here from my alma mater, and they are all quite intent on sticking to themselves, which unfortunately means that the people who I know from previous encounters don't seem interested in expanding their circle at this conference. So I find others to talk to.

I've talked to some very interesting people, including an international scholar whose name is the same as a very famous actor and who consequently has even better stories than mine about border crossing guard questions. It's been a productive conference so far and the bigger meet and greet is tonight, so I'm interested in meeting other new people as well.

But it will be nice to get back home again, as always.

End of May RBOC

In the last week:

• three weeks after the defense and I finally feel fairly normal again. Not that this will last long (see bullet #4)
• we doubled the size of our patio this weekend by pulling up part of the lawn and installing flagstones. It happened without any major glitches and looks great! There are a couple of hours of additional work that should still be done, mostly because by Monday I was too sore to keep going, but we've just effectively doubled the usable space, which will be really nice this summer.
• youngest daughter is graduating this week! She's pretty happy with the state of affairs, as are we, though it's really hard to believe that she's going to be finished soon! When did I get this old?
  
• I head off to a conference just after youngest daughter's grad. Due to inattention on my part (I booked the flight during a particularly hectic point in the semester), I am flying red-eye to the east coast a mere 3 hours after the grad banquet. Also, I don't sleep well on planes at all, so it's not going to be a pretty arrival. Luckily, I don't present till the second day, which is better than the time I spent the night on the Toronto airport floor and then presented later that morning. Don't want to do that again!
• the paper that I'm delivering came together unlike any paper I've ever written before. It seemed easy, which of course scares me a bit because I suspect it seemed easy only because it's simple-minded. But I felt like I really knew what I wanted to do and just pulled it all together. There was some flailing as I mentioned before, but it was actually much shorter-lived than usual, and I'm inexplicably impressed with the state of the paper. I guess I'll have to see what audience reaction is like to find out if I indeed nailed it, or missed the boat entirely!

So that's what's going on in our neck of the woods. It'll be nice to see June roll around since April and May have seemed really full of activity!

Flailing

After blogging about my excitement about being a doctor now, I'm mired in a mess of writing that feels just like it did when I wasn't yet a doctor. How's that for a shower of cold water on that delight?

The flailing around in this writing project is a bit urgent. The paper needs to be delivered next Saturday at a conference, and I have several meetings, small projects and travel that have to also happen before then. So I've got a little less than a week to turn that flailing in the muck of this draft (very drafty!) into an elegant swan dive (or perhaps just a dog paddle....) [Yes, the metaphor is breaking down]

The time frame makes me a bit anxious in the way that flailing within a dissertation chapter didn't because the time frames there, even though I set many deadlines, were a bit more flexible.

But the great thing about that long and drawn out process of writing (and completing! hehe) a dissertation is that it taught me that the flailing seems to be a necessary part of the process. (At least, it's necessary for me. Perhaps there are people out there who don't flail/just write, but I'm not one of them.) So I know it won't last. If I keep typing/erasing/retyping, and re-reading, and thinking (usually by wandering around the house muttering to myself), I'll get it pulled together.

Knowing I'll do it doesn't make the discomfort of flailing any easier though....

Still tickling my fancy

It's now been two weeks since I passed the defense and officially became a doctor. It still does not fail to delight me to be reminded of that.

I know it'll get old after a while, but right now, hearing someone call me doctor always puts a smile on my face. Can't help it - I'm just so tickled by the fact that it's finally finished!

What know they of cricket who only cricket know?

wrote the great West Indian Marxist CLR James.

Good, Bad and Ugly

THE GOOD:
... is that I have a section of the new GenEd course that I'm going to teach (and am very psyched about) as well as a section of the survey course for fall (whoopee! Got my first choice!). A third course would be good because then I would be able to keep my benefits but we'll see what happens. I might get the poetry survey, since the chair and I figured out it would work nicely into my schedule and it may need to be covered. Two new preps and one second-go-round (which means I'll be revising the course outline), but that's a nice load.

THE BAD:
... is that because of the ugly below, I am all out of sorts today and only just beginning to get my head back into the space it needs to be for the dissertation defense in three short days! I know I can get back into it, but it's a bit disturbing how little concentration I've been able to harness over the last several days.

THE UGLY:
... is the 26cm of snow we got overnight on Thursday (that's almost a foot for you non-metric people). I had an exam at 8am that morning. I left the house at 6am for what is usually a 25 minute drive and yet I was over an hour late for the exam AND had to abandon the car on the side of the road.

This picture was actually taken a few kms from my house but several hours later. When I was leaving the house, the snow was much, much deeper. I dug myself out twice on the way, but the third time, I just couldn't get out and had to abandon the car for the bus. Little did I know that road closures meant the bus stop I was waiting at wasn't going to be serviced. I'm grateful to the good samaritan neighbour who told me the buses weren't getting through and drove me the kilometer to a place where I could catch one!

I managed to get someone else to start the exam, but it still started an hour late, so some students had to leave at the scheduled end time, which meant I spent the rest of Thursday arranging an alternate writing day/time for those students. The last of them finished the exam this morning. So for the last three days, it's just felt like one loooong exam. Very tiring.

Weird part is, it's been gorgeous since then and there's only the tiniest of snowbanks left. Very little proof of the madness that was Thursday morning.

Involuntary changes

This year has been an exciting and interesting year at work with the temporary full-time position I've had. I've learned a huge amount during the year, had some great conversations and gotten a really good idea of what it will be like to be an assistant professor.

But I had harboured a hope that this would be the first step to a more permanent position or at least a first year that would lead in to a second and then perhaps on to something more stable.

Unfortunately, that didn't happen. I will finish off this year and then go back (hopefully) to a part-time position. Which really feels like a bit of a step back. When I first realized my secret hope of progress wasn't going to pan out, I got really bummed. But I've been coming to grips with it, and most of the time, I'm okay with this change of plan. I realize that I shouldn't think of it as a step back. It's just something different.

I'm doing okay with that for the most part. But the hardest part is attending meetings. I can participate in planning, but every conversation like that reminds me that I won't be part of those same kinds of decisions next year. And that's not my choice. Sometimes that's tough.

The Old and the New (and the Dead I suppose)

I recently marked two student papers on Dylan Thomas's "Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night" (1951) and in re-reading the poem myself, I was struck in both cases at the sheer skill and beauty that Thomas employs in this villanelle, one of the more challenging poetic forms to use.

DO NOT GO GENTLE INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rage at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Dylan Thomas 1951

I was reminded of the poem and its expertly conveyed sentiments when I was later listening to Great Bit Sea's "Here and Now" (2007) which parrots Thomas's line about raging against the dying of the light. Of course poor or substandard song lyrics can be sometimes partly rescued by a great sound track, and I do like the one that Here and Now is set to. But when looking at the lyrics more closely, I was surprised at how poor a job those boys from Newfoundland do at capturing the sense of passing time that Thomas captures so well.

Here and Now

The sun must set to rise
The light will leave your eyes again
Then breaking like morning's dawn
Does summer feel the winter come

The hardest part of life
Is to live while you're alive my friend
So sing an unwritten song
Or repent for the deeds you left undone

This is Here
This is Now
It's the moment that we live for
And we just can't live without
It's all clear to me now
We've already started dying
And our time is running out
Oh, Right Now

Time is ours to steal
She's a secret to reveal my friend
And when your children have all grown
You'll wait by the window
And wish them all back home

Walk a little further off the beaten path
And we'll drive on even if we get there last
Our backs against the wall
And we will lunge and bite
And we'll rage, rage, rage
against the dying of the light

Great Big Sea 2007

Don't know that I had anything profound to say about the two - just that I was struck by the difference. Perhaps my appreciation of the Thomas poem is simply because I've been writing about zombies lately, and the sentiment to "lunge and bite" or to "live while you're alive" just seems to cliched to really express the agony of a death that comes too early or unexpected. Maybe it's just because I'm just an old, crusty English prof. Maybe I'm just tired. Who knows?

Doctoral sabbatical?

So at places that offer them, professors get a sabbatical once every, what, 6, 7 years, right?

I began doctoral work in 2002.

I'm just saying...

Classes are over!!

I have not met the end of a semester with such relief in a long time. But come to think of it, last time I was so relieved to see the end of a semester was one where I was also teaching 4 classes. I suppose that tells me that 4's my limit.

Note to self: 3-3 would be ideal; 4-4 manageable (but you will be exhausted come April).

There's a huge stack of marking sitting on my desk, but it's my work desk. I deliberately brought none home this weekend. I figured with the yard in desperate need of springtime attention, two social functions (one full day one) and an R&R that needs to be completed in the next couple of weeks, I had more than enough to worry about.

And it's immensely satisfying to not even have the marking hanging around. Of course it will greet me Monday morning - four large piles of marking sitting right there, front and center when I open the office door - but it's really nice to have left it and to not have it hanging over me for two days.

Hmmm. Must remember how good this feels and have grading-free weekends more often.

Here and There

The "here" being blogging and the "there" being facebooking, I feel like I'm neither here nor there these days. When the productivity on this blog fell off, I thought it was due to facebook. Which to some extent it probably was.

But I've realized also that I was far more prolific a blog writer when I was in the researching/reading stages of comps and dissertation than when I was writing my material up. So maybe it's just that spending days writing - editing - writing has meant I have less energy for the blog writing.

I suppose we shall see, since I submitted the final version of the dissertation last week. Now I just need to wait will the defense rolls around.

Sure, I need to write up something to present during the defense, but I've pretty much chosen what I want to present and moulded it to fit the allotted time. So it really just needs tweaking.

At the same time however, I am experiencing a convergence of previous work - some of it older (i.e. pre-doctoral research that I'm continuing to work on) and some of it coming out of side projects I've inevitably undertaken during the doctoral work. What this means is that I have two pieces of published writing to undertake - one R&R and one revision of a conference paper to article length for consideration. Both have looming deadlines.

There's also the matter of two more conference papers to write up. One is an exploration of a side note in a dissertation chapter, so the foundation is there. The other consists of applying some of the arguments I made in the dissertation to a new area/set of texts. So both are material I've worked with, but pretty significantly modified for a new venue/purpose, which means there's a good bit of work to do there yet.

What I'm saying is that now that I'm not writing the dissertation, I may have more time/inclination for blogging. But then again, I've got enough other writing to do that I won't clear off my plate till mid July, that it might not make a difference.

We'll see. I suppose.

Never Ceases to Amaze

I've experienced this before (and probably blogged it before as well), but there's this strange moment as a developing scholar when you read something you wrote and think, "who wrote that?" with a sense of admiration only to remember that you did. It still blows me away.

(You'll just have to take my word for it that I'm erudite in print. This blog certainly does not indicate that I'm even competent with the language, let alone proficient)

Moments like that never cease to amaze me, but they also make me realize that all the years of training, and all the hours spent thinking, writing, revising, were actually doing something other than just taking time. I haven't been working for years just to reach a goal - PhD - but I've also been developing a vocabulary and academic style that really is different from everyday speech.

It's a strange skill to develop (and mine is by no means WELL developed), but I guess it's one that I'm on my way to having.

Cool.

Busy days ahead

I've got a dissertation date set. Which is very good news.

It also means I've got an awful lot of work to do before the end of April. There are revisions that need to be made in order to get the final version to the committee in time to read before that date. That's the first thing on the list. The good news is that I'm almost finished those revisions.

Through misfortunate timing, I also have a conference paper that I'm presenting next week. It was modified from an article I had been working on, so I got it into pretty good shape during Reading Break. But it still needs some trimming and shaping, which I suspect will need to be done on the plane.

I know people who do that. But I've never had enough confidence in my ability to get something done on such a short schedule to try it. Guess there's a first time for everything!

Wish me luck...!

Does Anyone Actually Watch Survivor Anymore?

Welcome to Rejection Row

I'd like to say I've been feeling like I'm on a roller-coaster, you know, up and down. Because there are days when I feel like I'm up and then down.

But if I was on a roller-coaster, it would be one that's really, really close to the ground. Disappointments seem to abound in my life these days and it's starting to get hard to ignore.

A few weeks ago, the tt-position I had applied for as an internal candidate (and which I figured I had at least a good shot at) was cancelled because of budget cuts. Then the full-time temp position that the department would normally offer (same position I'm in this year) was also cut for the same reason. So I've got part-time work at best next year.

Being resourceful, I started talking about teaching another course for another department. When I spoke to the coordinator last week, he suggested they would definitely need people. Now it's not clear that they will have as many sections of the class (again, the budget) so there are fewer to go around. Which of course means that if you only have enough for current faculty, you won't hire any new ones.

Bummer.

In the meantime, I'm thinking I need a plan B and I need to do as much networking as possible. So I make contact with some people I've done contract work with in the past, reminding them that I'm still around, available, pleasant to work with etc. So that's all to the good.

As part of the networking plan, I register to be considered as a volunteer board member for local non-profits. And I get a call from a place. I'm a little puzzled because although they say they want someone in education, they seem to cater more to K-12. I tell them this. They say, that's okay, we think you'll be good. So I forward my resume and wait for a call for an interview. Then they call and say, no, actually we will go with someone in K-12.

So why did you tell me otherwise first?

And I'm still waiting after two weeks for my committee to agree on a defense date. And I can't get an answer.

Awfully frustrating...

Edited to add: Just after posting this, I got a call from a colleague about some freelance work, so maybe my networking hasn't all been a waste. Then I finally heard this morning from my committee and we've set a date! Nice that things at least aren't all bleak.

Convergences

Earlier this week I had two students in two very different classes mention the same film on the same day. That was a bit weird.

But then I started thinking about it and the more I thought about it the less weird it got. The film was The Invention of Lying. One class was a technical writing class where we were talking about ethics and technical writing. The other was a literature class in which we were talking about Oscar Wilde's The Importance of Being Earnest.

Seems to me that ethics, wit and lying probably do have a good bit in common after all.

So much time - so few words

Lots of things going on in the last month. Some good. Some not so great.

The highlights are that the dissertation is on track to be complete in another month or so. That's great news. But it means a whole lotta work in the next little while.

The lowlight then I guess is that the provincial budget means we need to cut our budget at the school I'm working at. That means I now have no idea what kind of work I'll do next year. That's not so great news.

I have yet to decide the fate of this blog. I have enjoyed it so much in the past - it's just been so terribly busy lately and I've been so unhappy about the job situation that I haven't had the motivation. But I'm feeling better about it now, so perhaps now's the time to revive it.

Struggle... wait... struggle... wait

Struggling through dissertation revisions.

This whole doctoral degree thing-y has sure been a long haul. Most of the time it hasn't felt bad, but the last half year has been extremely frustrating.

Part of that frustration is my difficulty in making sense of what I'm trying to say. So the revisions continue, ad infinitum it seems, and I see the product of those labours. But they're labours nonetheless.

Most of my frustration comes from the slow pace at which I'm getting chapter revision suggestions however. One reader was fabulously quick. Another surprisingly slow. And another (not unsurprisingly) even slower yet. Which means we're going on six months of waiting.

Did I mention I'm not good at waiting?

The auto industry puzzling? Naaah...

Question: Why is it that car commercials these days seem to focus almost exclusively on gadgets? You can change the colour of your cupholders, talk to your CD player to choose which song to listen to, or call someone by pressing buttons on your steering wheel.

All wonderful little things.

But why are these the main selling points in ads today? What happened to discussions of fuel efficiency or safety or even cost? The primary purpose of the automobile is still its mobility, no? So why is it the perks that suddenly seem more important?

Holiday leftovers

Usually holiday leftovers consist of turkey and stuffing, but in my case, the leftovers consist of editing work that needs to be done.

I finally have feedback from one of my readers at least and can begin editing the dissertation draft in earnest. But I've been away from it for so long that it seems almost unreal to return to it. Remembering what I was doing is a task that seems to be much more difficult than it should be.

But the holidays were good and the end of last term (and December more generally) seemed hectic, so it was good to relax and do very little writing. But now it is time to get back to it. I'm still waiting for one reader's comments, but idealistically, I'm hoping that a full edit before those comments might make them more manageable, and might actually anticipate some of those final comments.

Here's to a new year and the hope that I'll add three letters to the end of my name!

Happy Holidays!

Even if your holidays are a mixed-bag of events and activities like mine, I hope that you enjoy yours as much as I do mine! Merry Christmas.

Whoa!

What a roller coaster of a few weeks it's been.

Thing is, it's been busy, busy, but not exciting, exciting. Well, maybe, annoying, annoying. But that's another story for another day (I don't think I can blog about the elearning job till it's over or my head will pop off. Let's just say I'm seriously considering quitting)

But academia went off the rails last month. Part of this was because this term I agreed first to a book review (easy, right?) but then to submit a paper to a collection. The article for the collection was one I'd been really stoked about earlier this year and then it seemed to have dried up, so when the opportunity came to resurrect it, I was excited! But it meant a lot of work at the end of the semester. Not really stress-inducing (that was the elearning stuff), but a lot of extra work.

On top of that, I had to head back to grad institution for a weekend in order to keep my student visa active. I made the most of my time there, but I really could've much better used that weekend to write the book review!

So I'm finally at the end of the semester. The review is still in pieces but the article is submitted. The last exam was on Saturday, so it's graded and final grades are calculated. They just need to be entered into the system.

But then the syllabi need to be written. And in a pique of frustration at both my introductory comp and tech writing texts, I changed them both for this upcoming term. BOTH! What WAS I thinking??

And I've got a new prep, with majors.

I am my own worse enemy.

So that dearth of posts lately? It will either continue because I'm working like a madwoman. Or I'll post more because I'm burying my head in the sand about just how much work needs to happen over the break. Which it will be remains to be seen...

Teaching Collaboration

I know it might sound remiss to suggest that I've not really collaborated with others in teaching before, but I think it's nonetheless fair to say that I haven't done much collaboration before.

I did receive teacher training in the introductory writing course that I was required to teach in my first year of the doctoral program, however it wasn't what I'd call collaboration as much as instruction. We did compare papers and did some group marking, but it wasn't collaborative in the way that everyone contributed equally to the process.

Over this last week, I had the opportunity to talk about tech writing with another instructor. I've always felt like my course is a bit different from others because I don't require the students to write a resume. Just about every tech writing textbook I've ever reviewed includes a chapter on resume writing, and I never really could figure out how I justify the writing of one to be an academic enterprise since there are so many other people out there willing to teach the skill. (I also have come to realize that my experience working in HR means that I often disagree with a lot of the advice that floats around out there, so I wonder if I would do the genre justice.)

But the other tech writing instructor told me she uses the resume as a way of starting to talk about the report project. I hadn't thought of using that way before. But it makes some sense. I don't know that I'm convinced that I should incorporate resume writing into my course, but I can see a use for them that I never have before.

I was excited about talking with another colleague who said she was teaching the Brit lit II course for the first time this coming semester. She is far more comfortable in the first half of the course, while I am in the last, so it seemed absolutely beautiful to talk with each other and use each other's strengths.

Unfortunately she is no longer teaching the course, so we won't have the same incentive to collaborate, though she did give me some suggestions for the pre-1900 material, which was helpful.

All this talk of collaboration makes me wish that I was in one of those disciplines that placed a higher value on collaboration, but perhaps I'll just have to keep my eyes open for opportunities when they do emerge.
*brit lit II - different strengths

I'm tired. How tired...?

I'm so tired that words fail me.

Or, to put it another way. I've doubted my ability to perform the scholarly work that I've undertaken in the PhD more than once during the process. I don't doubt I have the academic chops to do this work anymore. But I am starting to wonder if I have the stamina...!

Whew!

RBOC: Light at the End of the Tunnel Version

Three weeks to go.

• I have six more 8 am classes to teach. Not that I don't like my 8 am class - the students are great! and they're the one group that is still mostly all working and attending. But I really hate getting up early enough to get there for that class. So it will be nice when I don't have to do that any longer.
• I've had three 'date to withdraw' conversations with students. Two will probably stay, and one is deciding. Two more who should have the conversation with me are avoiding class and email contact. Their loss.
• I am saddened and depressed by the thought that the days will continue to get shorter for another five weeks. As much as I love those loooong summer evenings, we sure do pay in the winter.
• I am attending a conference for the first time in many, many years just as a participant. It's in two weeks, and although the timing is less than ideal, I will get to see some friends and hopefully pick up the draft of my dissertation from one of my readers. That means I can see how bad the state of things are, and get cracking on revisions. Good news.
• In another three weeks, I have to finish a book review and polish off the draft of an article. The timeline's tight, but doable if nothing goes wrong. Here's hoping the pigs don't infect me!
• I'm learning to juggle! I'm really, really bad at it right now. I can only manage a couple of passes with two balls without losing them. But it's kinda neat, and I'm sure with practice, I'll get much better at it. Who says you can't teach old dogs new tricks?

Joy of Teaching #16

One of the best things about teaching are the conversations you have with students who have made a conscious decision to attend.

The students I'm talking about are usually a little older (but sometimes only a year or two out of high school). They usually haven't tried something else and are now in their plan B position, but sometimes they are.

The students I'm talking about are the ones who are absolutely delighted with the idea of learning. They have decided to attend school for deliberate reasons (which do not involve 'getting a job' or 'making money') and they know what they want: an education.

I've had several of these students before, but this semester I have one who is eager to learn (but with enough wisdom not to monopolize classtime like some eager-beavers).

That's why it almost broke my heart to grade this student's last paper at a 'C' level because it failed to properly cite sources. It was a brilliant paper, well-written, nicely balancing the different tasks assigned for the paper. But it totally blew the citations. So I had to grade it down.

I hated it, but I couldn't in good conscience give it a higher mark with citation problems. Then I'd have to let everyone slide a bit, and then they'd never think it was important. And it is. I'm not just towing the party line on this one - I think citation is critical to academic work. So I lowered the grade.

The student got it. Although disappointed with the mark, the student told me it was a mistake that would not be repeated, which is a kind of learning I suppose. I hated that it came with such a high price tag - an 'A' paper earning a 'C' grade - but it was a lesson learned. And sometimes those tough lessons are the ones that stick with us. But it was a hard grade to assign.

The student? Absolutely engaged, eager to learn, and understanding that sometimes the mistakes we make cannot be overlooked and they have to hurt in order to be remembered. A student like that is one of them that makes teaching worthwhile, knowing that what you are saying and doing is not just interpreted as 'what the teacher wants' but 'what the expert says I need to do'.

Perhaps I enjoy such students because they validate my own sense of expertise in the classroom. I admit that could very well be a big part of what joy I get from teaching such students. But I'd like to think I enjoy teaching them because they get why I do what I do in the classroom, that it's not about me, but about showing them the way to their own expertise.

The students who are there, wanting to learn, not just pass the course, are ones that bring joy to teaching and make all the other grade grubbing, complaining, plagiarizing ones worth while. Not that there are many of those, but they do drag you down, especially since they tend to come in waves...

You know what's the worst thing about grading?

We talk a lot about how much we dislike grading. I have yet to meet someone who likes that part of the job.

But the worst part about grading?

The sneaking suspicion that despite everyone else's grumbling about it, they still are able to do it faster than you. Oh, and of course they write more erudite comments than I ever seem to be able to.

I just wanted to get that off my chest.

Halfway there!

Yes, we're halfway through the semester. Even if you count exam period, you can pretty much say the semester is half over.

Unfortunately more than half of the work of the course still needs to be completed, especially when I consider the mountain of papers that will still cross my desk before it's over.

But we're halfway.

The other thing that's halfway is my job letters. Yes, I'm almost halfway through my application list.

Of course, if additional postings come up over the next few weeks, that list might grow (that would be good!), but right now I'm halfway through.

But, boy, oh boy! do those application packages take a loooong time to assemble! When every posting wants something slightly different, and each letter needs to be tailor-crafted to the school, there's a lot of time that goes into these things.

The worst part isn't the time though... it's that niggling voice in the back of your head that tells you all these hours of work will come to nothing because no one will call for an interview and you'll be scratching around for work next year.

Man! I hate that voice.

I tell it to shut up all the time, but it just. doesn't. listen.

Today it's practically shouting. I'm thinking sleep might help, but wonder if it might just invade my dreams instead.

Here's hoping it doesn't!

Being pulled in multiple directions

I haven't posted in ages.

It's not that I don't have interesting things to say... I just don't seem to have time to organize my thoughts. Or more precisely, that the only thoughts I have time to organize are the ones directed squarely at clear and measurable aims that have nothing to do with blogging.

It's been a really strange feeling over the last month to be searching for a new job at the same time that I've been trying to throw myself into my brand-new job and do really great at it! But such is the nature of the academic market. I have a ten month term job, but if I want one to follow it once this one ends, I need to start applying right now.

Strange.

At the same time, there's the rather ironic observation that I've been making that throwing myself into a full-time position has actually given me a better appreciation of the kinds of positions I'm applying for in the next academic year.

Doesn't make it any easier to keep two mindsets going at the same time. The only way I can do so is to think of my new job during the weekdays, and my potential job for next year on the evenings and weekends. But it's still a weird division that clashes in my mind occasionally (and has led to some really, really strange dreams, but that's another story!)

I am loving my new job and even survived the week in which 85 papers had to be marked and returned. (It wasn't a pretty week, but I managed it.) We have some really interesting things going on at the school which are exciting, though of course being neck-deep in the middle of the semester sometimes makes it hard to focus on them.

But I wouldn't trade this for a lighter load - I'm learning way too much about how things work to wish the experience away! Here's hoping I find a bit better balance in November so I can return to posting.

Buried

Pick your metaphor, but the long and short is that I'm buried in work and writing letters. It's all so very important, all so very demanding, and all so (just sometimes) disheartening.

I promise to emerge soon... I'm hoping later this week!?

The benefits of just sitting on it

Last year around this time, I submitted a paper proposal on the social effects of zombies in Fido to both a panel at a conference and a call for chapters in an edited volume.

It didn't get picked up. This fact took me a while to get used to - I'm only human, and no one likes rejection - but I got used to it and started brainstorming which journal might suit it. I didn't get very far in the brainstorming because it is an article that doesn' really readily fit into a single category, and really seemed best suited for a special edition (or an edited collection!)

Well, I just got an email from the people I originally proposed it to, telling me they'll be putting out a second related volume, and would I be interested in contributing to that one?

Yes. Yes, yes, yes!

So my sitting on this, trying to figure out where to place it instead actually worked out well, since now I have a venue!

(I also have a two month deadline, but at least I have a venue...!)

Maybe a little procrastination isn't so bad after all!

Best to be prepared

Apparently the University of Florida has a disaster preparedness plan for zombies!