Darling dissertation

It might not seem like much - it is only an increase of 1% after all - but I broke the 100,000 word mark on the dissertation! Of course I'm hyperaware that even when I reach my goal, that is only for the draft. There's still much editing work to be done after that point.

More importantly than the word count is the way I'm feeling about the whole thing right now. Two weeks ago I was ready to chuck it all in. Not because I didn't like the work anymore, or because I'd become bored with it, or even because I'd hit any kind of writer's block.

I had just lost faith. My plan to keep soldiering on after last fall's setback was good in that it kept me going through a period where I could easily have gotten mired in self-doubt. But it didn't make that doubt disappear, and over the last month, as I experienced delay after delay in hearing back from committee members, their lack of communication began to reinforce that doubt.

I told myself it was just because they were busy. And they were. But the lack of communication allowed self-doubt to creep in. I think if I'd still been in the middle of the dissertation, that simply continuing to churn out writing would've enabled me to keep going without that feedback. But as you can see, I'm within inches of finishing the first full draft, and looking beyond the last few pages of writing, I could see nothing but question marks because I hadn't gotten this feedback.

Not having any idea how to shape the whole monstrous draft into a finished product froze me. And when I froze, the doubt about whether I could even do it crept in.

I thrashed around in confusion and frustration for a while, but then I realized that what I really needed wasn't so much feedback on the specifics of what I'd written, but a conversation about the project as a whole. What I really needed was a bit of support. I needed to talk about strategy, but more importantly, I needed to hear from one of my committee members that I could do this.

It pains me to write that last sentence because I don't like having to ask for help. Especially when that help is of an emotional nature. I am an emotional creature, sure, and I can cry at the drop of a hat. But my academic persona doesn't like to show emotional need. But that's what it was. I had an emotional need for the people who are deciding my academic fate to let me know that they think I can do it.

What I needed was to swallow my pride and call for help. So I called one of my committee members and had a good conversation. Our talk wasn't even that long, and at no point during it were the actual words "you can do it" uttered, but just having my ideas heard, and getting suggestions for managing the editing beast that will soon raise it's head helped immensely!

Ironically, two days after this call, I got one from another committee member, and had another very useful conversation. There was one minor part that was disappointing, but the rest was good. Now I'm psyched. It may not be as good as being within an academic community, as I would be had I stayed at my home institution, but for now, it's as good as I've got. Being at 95% of my goal also helps!

So the next time you hear me whining about needing something from my committee, remind me of this post and tell me to suck it up and ask!

RIP Philip Jose Farmer

I was saddened to hear that Philip Jose Farmer died on Tuesday. I remember reading his Riverworld series as a teenager (I never did read the World of Tiers series that he is also well known for, but might in the future). I was impressed by the imagination he showed in juxtaposing people from all different eras of human existence and then working through what kind of interactions they might have. I found that sort of thought experiment fascinating, and this series, along with the Foundation series and Fountains of Paradise are some of the first books to really impress upon me the power that speculative literature has to create new worlds in which we can examine some of our most cherished beliefs about humanity.

I do wonder what would happen if I read the books now. Would I be as impressed? Possibly not. Possibly I would be even more impressed. Regardless of whether they are great literature by any one else's standards, I remember the novel series being one that was very formative for me, and in some small ways set me on a path that has led to the scholar that I now am.

For that, thank you Mr. Farmer.

Back again

Ah, yes. Back to the land of snow and cold. Well, okay, it's not terribly cold today, but the forecast is for snow. It is hard to believe that just a couple of days ago I was walking around barefoot and feeling very warm. It really makes you realize how big our world is - I didn't even go a quarter of the way around this huge globe, and yet the conditions there and here were so very, very different!

The culture and people are different too. The same, but different. As one might expect, there is a more laidback attitude in Barbados than in North America. And people are friendlier. As you drive down the street, you hear horns honking, but it's not the irritated lean-on-the-horn honking you hear here - it's a hi-i'm-here kind of honking. And it was very strange to drive around here yesterday seeing all these huge, bloated vehicles that we drive. It seems just so wasteful after being reminded of how small a vehicle can be and still be incredibly comfortable. Even the shuttle vans are narrow, but spacious inside - like they were designed to be means for moving people around rather than means for intimidating others on the road.

But that's beside the point.

It's wonderful to be home again, but the vacation was an absolutely necessary break from the usual. The break between terms was filled with travel and frustration, so when I suggested we still needed a vacation, my wonderful spouse jumped at the idea and made all the arrangements for us. How sweet! So all I had to do was show up! Which was really nice, since the last couple of weeks before our break were all-out pedal-to-the-metal breakneck work speeds.

I also had been getting very depressed about my progress and feedback on the dissertation and I was really struggling to keep working on it. I've had tough spots before, but this was the worst by far. Although I can't say for sure that everything is absolutely fine, getting away from everything has given me some perspective on the whole project, and I feel hopeful that this will translate into a renewed effort and inspiration.

Let's hope so!

We got our open water scuba certification while we were down there. So now we're officially divers! I'm still waiting to get photos back, but if any turn out, I'll post them. It was tricky getting in all the dives we needed to in order to get certified, but now we can go to other neat places to see other neat things. I'm looking forward to adding diving to the list of things we can do while on vacation because it really is a memorable experience. There's something simultaneously terrifying about breathing underwater (that part of the reptilian brain that keeps screaming that IT'S ALL WRONG!) and something incredibly peaceful and beautiful about it.

We saw a lot of wildlife you don't get to see when you're on land, and I think just for that factor, it was worth it. The one day we saw a ray, and the next a turtle, and both were just such majestic creatures as they swam through the water. It's a strange relationship we have with water - it's an incredibly unnatural environment for us, and yet so vital to our survival. Dangerous and beautiful. I'm really looking forward to our next opportunity to dive!

Break

I am both ready and not ready for a vacation.

I am ready in the sense that I really need a break. I am not ready in the sense that I leave too much work behind which will just be waiting when I get back.

I realize this is one of the least substantive posts I have ever made, but right now it's all I can manage. I had a really good conversation today with one of my committee members, and although I'm still struggling with the dissertation, I think a break from it and the advice in this conversation will give me a new perspective on it when I get back.

Here's hoping! Happy Family Day and Reading Break to everyone!

Flawed human beings

It's been a busy couple of weeks, and in trying to keep up with everything, I've found myself frustrated and disappointed in my performance at times. I've been trying to learn a new set of skills, and found myself becoming frustrated several times when I wouldn't be able to replicate the action my instructor had just demonstrated the first time I tried (or in some cases, the second and even third time!)

I've also been desperately trying to stay on top of a work project that has mushroomed over the last few weeks. I knew it was a large project when we started, but it seems like the simplest part of it is exponentially larger than I expected.

On top of that, I finally got some feedback from some of my dissertation committee. The only problem is that I'm having trouble interpreting what some of the comments mean. There are also comments that I understand, but I don't see how they quite fit with everything else that I've been doing, so I'm not sure how to implement them.

What all this activity has done is increased my awareness of my own flawed nature to a level that I obviously don't think about most of the time. Most of the time, things go smoothly, according to plan, and I suppose I attribute that to my own intelligence, or foresight, or ability, rather than the combination of luck, serendipity and a bit of innate talent that it really consists of.

The irony is not lost on me that the topic of my dissertation - posthuman figures like cyborgs and clones - are pretty much the opposite of flawed humans. In fact, one theorist suggested that a criteria for defining the human in opposition to other artificial creatures would be that the human makes mistakes (this is also one of the warrants in the Turning test). So I suppose all this flawed-ness that I'm experiencing lately at least has the benefit of confirming that I'm human!

WHY DADS BUY A WII.wmv

There's something very contagious about listening to babies laugh!

Favorite movies meme

I received this meme through email, but thought I would share it in a wider venue. The meme? Name a favorite movie for every letter of the alphabet.

Here goes.

A Alien Quadrology - In all fairness, I should choose just one, but they're all interesting.  I suppose I'm partial mostly to the first and last ones.

B Blade Runner of course - original edition, the one with the voiceover, not the Director's cut.  Close second is the Birdcage - I need to get this on DVD instead of my old VHS copy, but I just love Nathan Lane's performance in this one.

C Children of Men - I tend to be drawn to films about apocalypse or impending doom.  One of the earliest memories I have of watching a film was a post-nuclear-holocaust film.  (This isn't as traumatic as it sounds, since film watching was not a part of my childhood experience)

D Dogma - Irreverent, dark comedy.  I suppose there are several other favorites in the list that might also be described this way too.

E Equilibrium - I heard about this film through someone else, but enjoyed it as a fairly simple, but visually interesting film in which an experiment to eliminate all human emotion fails, but not in a spectacular way; rather, it seems just a bit sad.  Eastern Promises is probably a better film, and definitely a favorite as well, but I do like the ideas in Equilibrium better.

F Fido - So my first thought was Fight Club, and it probably would still be in this slot if Fido hadn't come along, but who can resist an alternate history zombie movie anyway? Carrie Ann Moss is fabulous, as is Billy Connelly. This is one of those movies that I impose a ration on, otherwise I would watch it all the time.

G GATTACA - I've enjoyed this film since it came out and recently replaced the VHS with the DVD because I like it that much.  I'd also really like to find a venue or reason to write about this particular film.

H Hot Fuzz - I could watch this movie over and over again. The combination of the pretense, the dialogue, delivery and just outright hyperbole gets me every time. The Hitchhiker's Guide the the Galaxy comes a very, very close second here with High Fidelity running a close third.

I In Bruges - Dark comedy.  We've already established I like these kinds of movies...

J Jaws, I guess.  This one is a tough one and I'm coming up a bit shorthanded here.

K Kill Bill.  Again, I'm not delighted by this one but can't think of anything else that starts with K.  I do like the visual effects of the film and (grudgingly) admire its over-the-top nature.

L Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels - I've had to watch this film several times just to figure out the dialogue, but the plot and acting are well worth the effort.

M The Matrix - Yes, I know it's probably overly represented in lists of favorites, but I do like ideas within this movie. I don't mean so much the simulacrum of virtual reality versus lived reality, but the way that people live in Zion in this futuristic movie and the way that they've set up this alternate culture.

N Nightwatch - Russian vampire movie. Need I say more? Actually, I will. It's more than a vampire movie because there are witches and sorcerers and shapeshifters and all sorts of wonderful characters. I suspect the movie isn't as good as I think of it in my mind, but since it's based on a wonderful set of novels, the memories of a sense of delight in the novels colours my watching of the movie (over and over...)

O O Brother Where Art Thou? "My hair!" Adaptation, excellent performances, and a strange series of plot twists all combine to make a movie that I love watching over and over.

P The Princess Bride - Old, but still a favorite. One of these days I need to replace it on DVD because my VHS player is going to die someday and I'll no longer get to shout out along with the dialogue: "Inconceivable!"

Q Quills - Although there aren't many movies that begin with 'Q', even if there was a large selection, I would probably still pick this movie. Fascinating plot and excellent acting. I would recommend it (but it is quite graphic, so if you have a weak stomach, you might want to pass).

R Run Lola Run - NO, I'm not trying to be artsy-fartsy, but I really love Franka Potente's versatile performance in this particular film. REC, the Spanish horror flick that Quarantine was based on, is a close second.

S Sexy Beast - Sir Ben Kingsley's character in this movie is just so over-the-top that even after watching it an knowing how it ends, I still am tense with expectation. Ray Winstone's performance is also stellar, and quite out of character for the work he usually does, which gives the whole movie an aura of the fantastical. Shaun of the Dead gets honorable mention and would win out in some cases, depending on my mood.

T Trainspotting - what can I say? Between the baby on the ceiling and the worst toilet in Scotland scene, how can you not delight in the pathos an absurdity of this story?

U The Usual Suspects - Unlike some suspense movies, I still enjoy this one all the way through even though I know the twist. The Sixth Sense is similar - I can still enjoy it knowing the twist... "What a twist!"

V V for Vendetta - Yes, probably a predictable choice. But I just love the complicated treatment of social unrest in the movie.

W The whole nine yards - My appreciation of Matthew Perry went up significantly as a result of this movie, though I would also nominate Wag the Dog as a close runner up because of the acting in it as well.

X There aren't many movies that begin with 'X' but I do enjoy the X-Men movies. Coming up with a bit of a blank on this one.

Y Probably You Kill Me, again Ben Kingsley, who is one of those actors I whose perfomances I can watch over and over.

Z Really don't have any idea here. I did get a kick out of the Adam Sandler Zohan movie. Does that count?

Okay, that was harder than I thought. I seem to have many favorite movies, and each letter probably went through a couple of changes (and reversions back to my first choice) before I posted it.