Darling dissertation

It might not seem like much - it is only an increase of 1% after all - but I broke the 100,000 word mark on the dissertation! Of course I'm hyperaware that even when I reach my goal, that is only for the draft. There's still much editing work to be done after that point.

More importantly than the word count is the way I'm feeling about the whole thing right now. Two weeks ago I was ready to chuck it all in. Not because I didn't like the work anymore, or because I'd become bored with it, or even because I'd hit any kind of writer's block.

I had just lost faith. My plan to keep soldiering on after last fall's setback was good in that it kept me going through a period where I could easily have gotten mired in self-doubt. But it didn't make that doubt disappear, and over the last month, as I experienced delay after delay in hearing back from committee members, their lack of communication began to reinforce that doubt.

I told myself it was just because they were busy. And they were. But the lack of communication allowed self-doubt to creep in. I think if I'd still been in the middle of the dissertation, that simply continuing to churn out writing would've enabled me to keep going without that feedback. But as you can see, I'm within inches of finishing the first full draft, and looking beyond the last few pages of writing, I could see nothing but question marks because I hadn't gotten this feedback.

Not having any idea how to shape the whole monstrous draft into a finished product froze me. And when I froze, the doubt about whether I could even do it crept in.

I thrashed around in confusion and frustration for a while, but then I realized that what I really needed wasn't so much feedback on the specifics of what I'd written, but a conversation about the project as a whole. What I really needed was a bit of support. I needed to talk about strategy, but more importantly, I needed to hear from one of my committee members that I could do this.

It pains me to write that last sentence because I don't like having to ask for help. Especially when that help is of an emotional nature. I am an emotional creature, sure, and I can cry at the drop of a hat. But my academic persona doesn't like to show emotional need. But that's what it was. I had an emotional need for the people who are deciding my academic fate to let me know that they think I can do it.

What I needed was to swallow my pride and call for help. So I called one of my committee members and had a good conversation. Our talk wasn't even that long, and at no point during it were the actual words "you can do it" uttered, but just having my ideas heard, and getting suggestions for managing the editing beast that will soon raise it's head helped immensely!

Ironically, two days after this call, I got one from another committee member, and had another very useful conversation. There was one minor part that was disappointing, but the rest was good. Now I'm psyched. It may not be as good as being within an academic community, as I would be had I stayed at my home institution, but for now, it's as good as I've got. Being at 95% of my goal also helps!

So the next time you hear me whining about needing something from my committee, remind me of this post and tell me to suck it up and ask!