Well! That just feels like a big mistake

So, I was whining yesterday about how unmotivated I feel, and I decided that the best thing to do would be to push myself through to the next level.

I decided that I needed to get off my fanny and email off the second and third reading lists to their respective supervisors. I've been sitting on them for probably two weeks, hesitating to send them off because I wasn't sure they were ready, and I figured one way to shake myself out of the doldrums would be to scare myself (and the thought of actually sending them off was scaring me, hence, it seemed perfect).

Bad move.

I heard back from the first person only two hours after sending it off! - in an email with a two page attachment. She had some very good suggestions for wording the field statement part, which was excellent, since it was that part that I'd been fucking around with for the last two weeks trying to get it right and still not being satisfied with it. That was good and is easy to deal with. She also explained a bit more/better what she was looking for in the secondary source list, which was good, because now I have a clearer idea about what I need to do for it, but a bit bad because it gives me a lot more books to read - which might throw off my hoped for schedule (especially if I continue to have difficulty motivating myself - which will continue if the kind of things like the stuff to follow keeps happening).

The very first thing in her response - the thing that really was the most depressing even though I'm trying to just let it roll off and not bug me - was that she asked why I had a whole huge section of literature on my list. She said it didn't seem that I was interested in this literature, and wouldn't deal with it in my dissertation, so why was it on there? Why? WHY? Well, 'cause you told me to put it on there! You even lent me a book to help me compile that part of the list. No, I don't want to study it, but I put it on there because you told me to. AND. This is the big part. And, I spent about two solid months reading much of the material in that section - two months I could have spent reading other things.

*a wailing, gnashing of teeth, and growling ensues*

Two months (and I think that's conservative) spent on reading stuff that won't be on my list. I'm not talking an article or two, or even one book. I'm talking several books as well as many shorter pieces.

It's just depressing.

But it gets better.

Because I'm a trooper - or an idiot - take your pick - I go for a long walk, burning off some steam and return home with the plan to try to forget that I wasted so very much time on useless research and just try to focus on moving forward. What I need to do is focus on the books she's told me to go find - I don't know what books yet - I just know I have to read them. I'm an hour and a half away from the library, but I have DSL and the library has a slough of useful online databases. So, the logical thing to do is to do some research. Look up books that we have in the library, find their tables of contents, their indexes, figure out what's in them, then compile a list and physically go into the library, take them off the shelves (or order them from other libraries) and figure out if I should read them. I can do all this online too.

It sounds like a good plan, doesn't it? I thought it did.

I begin to make some progress; I'm finding stuff in the regular catalogs as well as in databases and online resources outside the university. I compile a list of about 40 books, but there are some books the university doesn't have, so I want to order them through interlibrary loan. I go to login. "Your patron privileges have been revoked" Crap! I took them the letter they needed last month, and I still got booted off. And it's 4:25 on Thursday. Offices close in 5 minutes, and most aren't open on Fridays.

But aha! I'll be sneaky. I have a faculty account as well as a student account. I'll get into the secure databases that way. "Your patron privileges have been revoked" Damn! I betcha this has something to do with getting kicked off Blackboard last week.

Yes, I seem to be persona non grata at the university these days. They don't have a record of me paying for gym privileges over the summer, so I have to carry my receipt with me at all times (yeah, I know, I'm not doing that one again!). And even then, some of the 'brilliant' work study people behind the counter are still suspicious about whether they should let me in or not.

And last week, I couldn't log on to Blackboard (the course management site for the course I'm teaching), because someone told them I was no longer working for the university. I wouldn't have minded not working for the university for the rest of the summer if it meant I still didn't have to go in and teach.

That was a pain in the ass to track down, because whoever did it, did it the Friday before the long weekend, and there was almost no one around over the weekend to fix it. Took till the next Wednesday to get back on. And of course I look like a dufus to my students because I can't get ahold of them 'cause their email addresses are all locked away on the site. As soon as I got access, I enrolled myself through my student account in my own course that I'm teaching, so at least if they decide to do this again, I'll at least have access to the email list, even though I won't be able to access the gradebook or any of the other instructor features.

But I'm kinda stuck till Monday in my research efforts. And I just realized I have yet to hear back from the other advisor - I'm not looking forward to that one.

Is this some subtle form of messaging? "Aliens go home"? Why not just send me a memo? If you don't want me here, just come right out and say it. I'm a big girl. I can take it. But right now you're just confusing me. You invited me to come here. I came from another country. I travelled 3210 miles, without a place to live at the end of the line to get here. That was faith. And you seemed to want me. You gave me an assistantship. And then you even renewed it - twice. If you didn't want me here, all you had to do was not offer me money. I would've got the hint. In fact, I would've had to leave - I couldn't have afforded to stay. But you gave me assistantships during the year, and even offered me a part time job in the summer. You're confusing me. Do you want me or not?