RBOC: thoughts upon returning home

• My laptop is really no longer an efficient tool. This was driven home to me when I found a plug in the airport lounge and sat down to work. Although I sat down at least 5 solid minutes before the man beside me, he was booted up and clicking away while I was still watching the little hourglass. And he probably didn't need to plug in within 20 minutes of bootup in order to avoid running out of battery power. Ugh. It's functional, which is why I still use it, but one could not by any stretch of the imagination call it efficient.
• Meeting with your entire committee within three days because you're only in town once or twice a year is an intense experience. Normally, if one of them had something discouraging to say, you'd have at least a few weeks to digest it before hearing what the next one said. Not so when you're only in town for a week and need to meet with everyone at once.
• I got good feedback, did necessary paperwork, picked up hard copies of things I needed, cleaned out the last of my crap out of my old office. Which is what I set out to accomplish.
• Dissertation writing group was good. Meeting with my advisor just before the group was probably a good plan, but it meant that I spent much of the evening feeling on edge. That's because my dissertation has not been heading in the direction it should be. Good to know that. But disturbing to realize my vision is not in line with what I need to do. At one point during our meeting, my advisor looked at me and said, "this is distressing you, isn't it?" Yep. Distressed is a very good word for it. I was thinking that I'd seriously miscalculated my entire grad education to that point and that I also was not capable of doing what she was asking. Those kinds of thoughts are enough to take anyone's breath away.
• Come to think of it, this is the second time I've had a conversation with my advisor that has made me feel like I made a colossal mistake in choosing first the school, and now the project. Is it just my advisor? Or have I really made some colossal blunders? I honestly don't know. Don't suppose it matters though, really. I mean, what are my options? Chuck it all away? I don't think so. So I keep going. But meanwhile, I wonder. Actually, I try not to think about it because my breath still catches in my throat at the thought of what it might cost if this was a colossal mistake.
• Much of the work I need to do now involves a rethinking of the project, which I'm sure will induce more anxiety as I struggle to change what feels natural to me into the project that my advisor has told me I must write. It's not that she's autocratic, she's right. It's just that I've been thinking about my project for so long in one way that it's just plain hard to think of it in the way I need to.
• On a more positive note, I had an absolutely wonderful couple of evenings with friends that really made up for all the distress of meeting with my committee, and the huge pile of work that needs to be done now. I feel privileged to be able to count such wonderful people as being in my corner, willing to listen to my ramblings, share their stories, and just plain be as glad to be with me as I am with them. It's also nice to see those kinds of people physically, in person. I'm all for the electronic age, but it sure don't beat a hug and a smile!