I was going to blog about the fact that I hate August since - as a student - I never have any money left that month, but after talking to a friend, I realized what I really wanted to talk about was child custody and visitation rights.

For most of this year I've been able to get on with life and just concentrate on what I have to do and what the girls need from me. They've called their dad quite a few times, though since he and his girlfriend split in March, they have only been able to leave messages and hope he calls back when they're at home (since he doesn't have his own phone). The girls were frustrated many times by this system, but there wasn't much we could do about it and I always said to feel free to call whenever they wanted to - I seldom had to cut an excessively long call short because they seldom talked for very long. Aside from all the frustrations intendent in this, I think things went okay over the year. I know they missed him, but they also had the chance to get to know their stepdad a bit more, and I've been told by other adults who have talked to them about it, that they are feeling pretty comfortable with our new family arrangement.

When we left, I made it clear that I was willing to split the costs of transporting them to see him, but that I expected him to be the first to shell out money (since I'm usually the one doing it). He promised at Christmas, and then during their term break in February to fly them back, but didn't...hence some of the disappointment on the girls' part. What is so frustrating is trying to stay fair and keep my nose out of it, when all I feel like doing is ranting about how unfair it feels when I (with my parents helping for one child) spend money I really don't have (i.e. student loan money that accrues interest as I'm in school) to send them back for a visit to their grandparents, and he gets to waltz in and play daddy as if nothing has ever happened.

I've tried to say that it doesn't matter, that my kids are smart & they'll figure it out on their own, or that I don't need his money - I knew I wasn't going to get anything out of him and I've accepted that I'm the one who provides all. And I know that access and support are supposed to be two entirely separate things, but sometimes I just want to scream about how unfair it feels to be the one providing, and disciplining, and all the other hard things, while he does god knows what and waltzes in like a white knight on a horse.

DAMN!

The thing is, he'll always be their dad, even if they get angry and disappointed at his behaviour and it's really hard to be a grown-up and not care that you get the same level of consideration (and Dwayne of course gets less) as he does even though you do ten times the work. It's always been that way.

One of the most shocking things for me when he left was how little my relationship with the girls, and our lives, seemed to change. I really had been carrying most of the family work anyway, and I didn't feel like my work load (physical, emotional support, social convener etc.) in raising the girls increased. I was still doing the same things, not more, and maybe even less because I had less bs to deal with at the same time. I knew from the start that I wouldn't get much from him either - he paid support for a couple of months, but as soon as it was clear that I wasn't taking him back, it stopped pretty abruptly. And I don't expect to get anything from him in the future. He knows better than to tell me where he lives or works because he knows I can pass that on to MEP, so he trys to stay below their radar.

The whole rant started when I realized that I have a friend who is moving too, but visits will be much more frequent, and they have a much more collaborative arrangement. He cares for his children and it shows. My ex? I really do not understand what goes through his head.