I've been bothered over the last couple of days by something that I did, oh, probably about a month ago without thinking. I said something very off-hand - I didn't even recall saying it until I was told about it by a friend - that really was unthinkingly stereotypical and offensive. And I can't stop thinking about it. I was absolutely shocked to hear that I had done that, and what's more, it has led me to question whether my own self-view is really accurate.

I have always considered myself a unprejudiced and accepting person - I worked at VC and the CFB with all sorts of international students, and even on the one occasion where I didn't handle things too well, it was my temper and frustration, and not a prejudice that got me in trouble. Plus, I knew exactly what I had done wrong the moment I lost it and yelled and apologized to everyone who I had offended right away. And then at CIAS, I was very conscious of diversity and modified the interview questions we used as well as the way I evaluated a candidate's answers to take into account ethnic differences. After all, the way that we interview, and what is considered the appropriate answer to an interview question in North America is very different than the hiring process in other areas of the world. Here we rely heavily on the candidate's responses in the interview and expect them to toot their own horn. In other areas of the world, the recommendation of a former boss, or the employee's resume listing achievements are far more important, and candidates often do not put their best foot forward because what we call 'selling yourself' they see as bragging and bad form.

So what's happened? Why did I say something so horribly unthinking? I've always thought that I'm someone fairly sensitive to my use of language and respect for other people (okay, yes, I know I swear way too much for some people's comfort level, and it's something I've recognized and been trying to change - 'specially when I drive!), so why? I really respect these friends and consider them good friends, but if I am such a bonehead about something like this, how good a friend am I?

After apologizing I was told to forget it - but I can't.
And nothing I can do or say now can take the hurt I caused back.
All I can do is remember.
And know that I'm not as good as I think I am.
I guess that's what regret is for.
But I'm still having problems forgiving myself.