Passing

Living in a foreign country, where you don't look like a foreigner, and (for the most part) don't sound like a foreigner, can be a very frustrating experience.

One of the frustrations oldest daughter and I have both been experiencing in the last few months arises from our ability to "pass" in this country. What I mean is that many of the people we encounter, who know she is intending to go to university, make assumptions about the choices we have available and thus continually express surprise at the choices we have made.

The mother of one of her friends simply cannot grasp the idea that oldest daughter (or any of us for that matter) does not qualify for federal (U.S.) student aid. She repeatedly expresses the opinion that oldest daughter should apply to wherever she wants and worry about the funding later because "there's always money to be had". (The fact that their family lives in a much higher tax bracket than we do probably also has something to do with her perception) We've checked. She qualifies for no federal aid... just like I don't. And yes, we checked the state schools too - although she's completed her entire high school education here, she'd be considered international when it comes to the tuition bill.

So she'll go back home, where the tuition is 1/4 to 1/10 the price it is here (and for most of the schools she's applied to, there is an extended family member or friend in the same city to ease the transition).

Her peers and guidance counsellor seem to constantly question the wisdom of this. They also seem to think she's not actually applying because the deadlines for Canadian schools are much later than for the ones here, so she hasn't heard back from any of them yet. Many of her peers have already made decisions about which school they'll go to because they've been receiving letters for months.

I've also had to work to convince people who I know that "no, we can't get funding" because they just can't seem to believe it. I even had one person express surprise that I would want my daughter to go to school back home when there are so many wonderful schools here, the implication being that the quality of education back home couldn't possibly match what we could get here. I tried not to feel insulted. Particularly since I have three degrees from a Canadian university and don't feel like I'm less qualified than my peers who got degrees here.

She gets more frustrated than I do about the school stuff, mostly because she hears this all the time.

I don't hear the school stuff very often, but I do on occasion find that friends - even close ones - forget that I'm a foreigner and don't belong here... not really, anyway. I don't talk with a strange accent (as long as I don't say "about") and my skin color pegs me as Euro-American at least, so I don't stand out, but I do find it surprising that so many people who know me fairly well regularly forget that I am only here as a guest.

It also makes me realize that my cultural heritage - what I see as an essential part of my identity, is not at all apparent to those around me on a regular basis. It's only when I order beer in a restaurant, or mention hockey or some other "Canadian" thing that I give myself away. Most of the time, I can pass for American. I'm not sure I know how to feel about that.