Notice to Americans of Revocation of Independence from the Government of
Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
To the citizens of the United States of America: In the light of your
failure to elect a sane President of the USA and thus to govern
yourselves with consideration for the rest of world, we hereby give
notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which
she does not fancy.
Your new prime minister (The Rt Hon, Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of
you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your
borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for
further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be
circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed
at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should
raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using
the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. Look up interspersed".
There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf.
Arrest Mel Gibson for treason.
You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through.
You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of
football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good
game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your
borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You
will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper
football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It
is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be
allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does
not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full
Kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at
least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
Stop referring to the "World Series" of Baseball and instead call it the
"USA, Cuba and Japan Championship."
Learn to enjoy warm flat beer and steak and kidney pudding. Train
waitresses to be more aggressive with customers and not to tell you
their names before you eat.
You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if
they give you any merde.
The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your
borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the
bad guys. "Merde" is French for "sh*t". July 4th is no longer a public
holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in
England. It will be called "Indecisive Day." Driving on the left is now
compulsory - recall all cars to effect the change immediately.
Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your cooperation and...Have a nice day!
And while we're at it, we should redraw the map of North America:
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