I'm getting very tired of thinking about tests. And that doesn't even include the fact that I have to write papers as well. I'm starting to run out of initiative - not energy, because I'm not particularly tired, but I'm starting to run low on the motivation that urged me to begin this whole adventure, escapade, quest, embarkment, journey, whatever you want to call it, called graduate school. I still would like to follow through and get the doctorate, so I can teach, but I'm starting to wonder whether that just might not be in the cards.

When I first applied to PhD programs, I thought getting admitted would be the hard part. I realize that many people who begin doctoral programs don't complete them, and I realized that there was a possibility I might not complete mine, but I guess I always assumed that if I didn't complete the program, it would be of my own choosing, that I would have decided that I didn't need those extra three letters after my name to do the things I wanted to do. It never occurred to me that someone else might make that decision for me. It never occurred to me that I might not be smart enough to do it, just that I might decide that it wasn't worth what I'd have to do to get there. So the results last week were an incredible shock - I had to contemplate that whether or not I finish the degree might be out of my control. I'm trying not to think about the "if" and think about it as "when" since the former will just erode my confidence and the result of the test will be what it will be regardless of what I might think it will be. Confused by that last sentence? (So am I!)

I'm having to dig pretty deep these days to keep going - my family and the effect this will have on them is one of the biggest motivators - and also my biggest supporters which is good 'cause I have to admit, my confidence has taken a pretty good lickin' in the last week, and right now, I need to dredge up every iota of support for myself that I can find.

The conference was good, and I'm glad I took the advice of the colleagues who were urging me to go. It was a strange event, and if I feel I have the luxury of time to detail it, I will.

Madison, WI looked so much like home that it brought tears to me eyes, ...well, and then we hit the interstate, and the illusion passed, but it is a gorgeous city and so unlike New England. The weather there was gorgeous too - considering it rained here the whole weekend! Ugh! The only downside was that the forecast out there was for cloud, so I brought almost no warm weather clothing and sweltered for a couple of afternoons.

I am busy trying to figure out how to prepare for this oral exam and starting to get nervous about it - I've never had a good experience in an oral exam - I just hope this one is better than the last.

Okay, so oral committee for the exam is set up and new deadline will be June 2nd (if approved). Still feel really a bit stupid, but do feel better after talking to others who have had to take the oral exam.

I'm hoping that going to the conference this weekend will help me feel academic again and give my confidence a much needed boost.

Didn't pass the written exam with flying colors - I was one point short - now I have to take an oral exam.

I hate oral exams - I get very nervous

Feeling kinda stupid right now.

I never would have thought that moving to a new country would mean that I start drinking imported beer, but that's what's happened. I've developed a liking for Corona, Stella and Heineken that I never had back home, or at least, I've appreciated them that much more. There is, after all, no Big Rock around here - something I lament almost every time I order one.

There is a local brewer here of course, but I have yet to really fall in love with any one of the varieties it produces...though there is a New Hampshire brewery that produces a pretty good brew, if you're in the mood for a light beer - I have yet to find a good local dark. So I drink imports...German, Mexican, and English. And with the strong American dollar, it's actually cheaper to buy Labatt's here than the local brew!

Beer's on my mind today since it was a wonderfully hot day - almost too hot to have to drag books back and forth to school and the library. We seem to have jumped from some kind of mild winter/cold spring right into summer. I can't complain too much - the warmth is nice, but I'd much rather have the nice weather when I'm finished writing papers in another three weeks... *sigh* Can't wait for summer to actually arrive!

Nice day for a run - first day in a long time that it hasn't been raining or just plain cold.

One nice thing about this place is that there's lots of good running. We ten minutes from the Charles and the running paths along its edges run for over 30 miles. We're really close to the start of the path system, so I mostly head one way, but there's plenty of room to run. We're also near the Cambridge city reservoir, a huge graveyard (it's actually very nice) and a country club. The only problem is getting to them since the driver's here are crazy!

The other wonderful thing is how cool it sounds to say that I ran through three or four towns during an average run. We're so close to the edge of town, and it's small enough that it doesn't actually take much to run all the way over to the next one. A good cardio workout always lowers my stress.

I saw a man trying to fly today...but he didn't get off the ground. Too bad.

Interesting city I live in.

Most of my students (engineers) haven't heard of blogging. I thought that very weird...on second thought, maybe blogging is just lit-geek, whereas engineers have their own techno-geek things...maybe I just have an '80s definition of geek in mind....

speaking of geeks in the past, check out the telnet link on Duncan's site for Wednesday - wild!

Can you solve this riddle?

It is greater than God, more evil than the devil, poor people have it, rich people need it, and if you eat it, you'll die. What is it?

Apparently 80% of kindergarten children got this and only 17% of Stanford seniors did. Can you?

It's now something between a month and a biblical forty days since I began this thing, so a retrospective seems in order.

One of my misgivings about beginning this venture was that it was nothing more than an excuse to feed my ego. Is it? I would have to say yes - it's one place where I can say anything I want without being edited. On the other hand, if you look at many of the posts, they're usually similar to something that I'd say to friends over a drink...and yes, I'll admit they're probably more structured than a more verbatim transcript of the kind of thing I'd say over drinks, but that's because a) I have time to not only construct what I say, but edit it before posting, and b) I'm usually cold sober when I post. *grin* ...usually....

So yes, it's egotistical - I was right on that account. Does that mean I'll stop? Nope. It may be self-indulgent and narcissistic, but there are plenty of other activities centered on myself that I could be engaging in...they're just less public. So, the reality wouldn't change, just the appearance.

So then, what about my averred intent to keep in touch with friends who are far away? Well, to that one, I have mixed feelings. On the one hand, I've had friends who have e-mailed or chatted to say congrats on finishing the exam etc., so I know some people are reading. But others, I don't know. Maybe I need to change the format to insert comment boxes, though I'd really rather hear from friends on a more substantial level like an e-mail or a short chat; neither replace the great feeling of sitting down with a good friend face to face, but since I won't be seeing anyone in the near future (at least that I know about, though anyone planning a surprise visit would be welcome), electronic communication is the next best thing. Of course what I'd really love is to see the friend who bought a new car that she's proud of pull up to the coffee shop in it, or see how the friend who lost 5 pounds looks, or even see the expression on a friend's face to attains her own personal milestone that she's been working toward for months, but that's not a possibility. A hug, a touch, a smile, from a friend who's dearly missed would be the sweetest delight right now. But that isn't going to happen, and instead I send bits of energy out in the hopes that they reach the people I want to stay in touch with.

That may sound sappy, but, that's me too, and at times I miss my friends very much. I can't imagine being here without my family...how much more lonely that would be, I just can't fathom.

So, in the end, is this blogging what I expected it to be? Well, no. In my experience, not much that you attempt in your life is ever what you expected it to be, but yes, the effects of the blog and what it has allowed me to do and express has met my expectations. It is a highly versatile medium and my relationship with the activity has ranged from a near sublime, creative expression, to something more akin to my sister's response when I told her about it: "blog? what's that? sounds like something you do after a saturday night out!"...

So, all told, I guess I'll keep plugging along hoping that the people I care about read it, and know that I'm still out there and thinking about them, even when I don't have much to say!

Okay, mother's day report: My mother's day began without lustre...but then thanks to Dwayne, he got the girls to make breakfast, then we went to an early showing of X2 (maybe not traditional, but I still enjoyed it!)...later in the evening, I enjoyed a tasty dinner and watching The Godfather while getting a pedicure. Maybe not a traditional sounding mother's day, but I loved it!

Since I have not much else to say right now, I'll insert an amusing post from William Gibson's site. Very creative!

IN IAMBIC PENTAMETER

WASHINGTON POST STYLE has a contest in which readers submit instructions for doing various things, their choice, as written by famous authors. Jeff Brechlin of Potomac Falls recently won for the following, for wonderfully obvious reasons:

The Hokey Pokey (as written by W. Shakespeare)

O proud left foot, that ventures quick within
Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.
Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:
Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.

Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke,
A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.
To spin! A wilde release from Heavens yoke.
Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.

The Hoke, the poke -- banish now thy doubt
Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.

Reminds me of a book I once purchased by Stephen R. Boyett called Treks not Taken with chapters like "The Trekking" not by Stephen King, "Trek of Darkness" not by Joseph Conrad and "Oh, the Treks You'll Take!" not by Dr. Seuss. The last one is particularly amusing as it begins:

The whole thing began
In the Transporter Room
When the Tranporter Chief
Beamed up a ZLAGOON!

It amused me during a long plane ride...if you have one of your own coming up, I'd highly recommend it.

First comps nightmare last night (yeah, I know, a week after the test!)...but this nightmare was about getting the results back. Since it was a nightmare, I guess it should be obvious that in my dream I failed the exam and was asked to withdraw from the program. The worst part was the sinking feeling I got when I tried to figure out just exactly how I would tell my family that I messed up all their plans as well.

On a positive note...and assuming I do pass the exam and am able to stay... I was at a meeting on Friday in which the head of the department assured us that there would be TAships available for anyone progressing well through the program for their entire degree - which might seem like a given, but there was a point where we weren't sure if we would have to compete for those positions (with of course the possibility of not getting one just because there aren't enough to go round). The bad news is that it doesn't make a big difference to my budget every year since the stipend only covers less than half our monthly living expenses. And while it's not quite Ichiban every night, it's not far off - there isn't much room for the extras. But this is my choice, so I'm trying to live with it.

On the academic front, I still feel a bit stunned from the test last week - I don't think I realized until after how stressed it had made me. Now the push is on to put together papers within the next three and a half weeks. At least I've got a definite okay on one paper topic, and a qualified okay on the other. Last term, for one class that I was taking, it was only the third paper proposal that was accepted, which was a bit frustrating to say the least! I also have to revise a paper I wrote last term, so that it's ready for the conference where I'm presenting it at the end of the month. It will be kinda neat to be at the conference, but the timing isn't the greatest, so I'm looking foward to it less than I'd like.

I continue to experience mixed feelings about being here. Some days, I really feel homesick and can't wait to get back - that usually happens after I've had to spend what I think is way too much money for something, or something weird has happened like having my mail opened.

But then there are days like today or last Saturday, when I'm happy to be here. I was surprised to see flurries forecast for Calgary, whereas here I was wearing shorts and a sleevless shirt all day catching a few rays...very nice weather. And last Saturday, we were invited to a post-comps BBQ at a colleagues house. The last time I was at a BBQ was last summer with a very good friend and her family and while it was nice to relax with people who are becoming friends, it also reminded me how much I miss my old friends. The weather was a little cool, but was nice to get out of our usual routine for the weekend (which usually involves way too much studying), and to get out of our town to drive over to another one. Their place is in a nice town, only a few miles away and since we're planning to move this summer to someplace a bit bigger, I was scoping it out.

Have I also mentioned how much I hate commenting on student papers? After the fourth or fifth paper that is talking about the same thing, and making the same mistakes, I start to feel like I've said this already and wonder how much effect it's really going to have on the student's subsequent papers...especially when I get the next draft of the paper and nothing's changed! Oh well, it's part of the job. But I'm obviously procrasting right now on finishing the task. And I'll have to do it all over again next week.... *sigh* Back to work!

Weird thing today on the local bus. For the first part of my ride (I get on about halfway along the route) I was the only woman in the ten passengers. Then another woman and a man got on...but she got off two stops later while another man got on. So then I was the only woman on a bus of twelve people.

It's not the first time that I've noticed many more men on the bus than women, but this was the most highly disproportionate and noticeable incident. So what's the deal with guys riding the bus in the middle of the day? One guy was pretty old, so maybe he was retired, and two seemed to be students because one was reading a library book without a dustjacket (usually means an academic book) and the other was reading a photocopy of a journal article (biology it looked like), but what about the rest of them?

Am I just perpetuating a sexist stereotype in even wondering about this? Am I wrong in thinking that there still are remnants of a culture that sees men working during the day while women rely on them? (After all, Watertown is a pretty blue collar, conservative community) I certainly don't think it's a good culture - I wouldn't be doing what I am if I thought women should be relying on men, but the biological reality is that women have babies, and when they're part of a heterosexual family, they usually take more time off of work etc. to care for those children than men do. Though, as an aside, employment law here is far less generous than in Canada and you're only guaranteed your job for 3 months of mat leave as opposed to the twelve I'm used to. But there must be a reason why I've seen more men on buses than women on more than one occasion. Do more women think that they're too good for public transit? Or do they take the train instead? Do men just go out more? I've noticed it before in the morning and the evening, though this middle of the day incident was the most unusual one.

Maybe it was just a weird blip in the usual fabric of coincidence, deja vu, statistical probability.... but it was weird.

Some words are probably in order for anyone wondering how the test went - and the short answer is, I'm still alive!

The long answer would mean that I would need to regale all with a complete and detailed summary of each question. I will not do so - suffice it to say that I performed I think very well on two of the questions, fairly well on one, and not so great on the fourth one. Part of my success and whether or not I will pass this test will depend on how my appraisal matches with the markers'. Last year, one of the students who took the test was marked by his three marker on one question with a Pass, Pass with Distinction (i.e. very well done) and a Fail! How that happens, I don't know, but I certainly hope I don't reprise that performance!

I'm already and desperately moving on to all those things I put on hold while studying for this test, but one of my colleagues held a BBQ yesterday, which was very nice, very relaxing, lots of great conversation, food, and beverages, so although I'm not crazy about the amount of work I have to catch up on, I at least had one day that I did not worry about watching the clock, or opening any books...and that hasn't happened in months!

Onward and upward....

It's done.

I cannot blog since I used up all my words on the test. My brain needs to recuperate.

Day of the test...right now the only thing I'm doing is trying to keep myself calm and focused.

No nightmares about it...though what scraps I do remember from last night were bizarre in other ways!

The temptation is there to scramble to try to learn one more thing or to memorize one more concept, but I know that won't do any good. What I know, I know. And what I don't know I will not learn in the next hour before leaving for the venue. Overall, I feel fairly confident in my preparation.

The only thing I feel a bit weak on is the special work. We're given the option of preparing to write about one of four 'special works' by knowing what they are ahead of time. In my case, I chose to read the Victorian novel Middlemarch. The idea behind this strategy is to allow you to prepare not only by reading that particular work, but also familiarizing yourself with all the criticism surrounding it so that you can answer a more detailed question. The catch of course is that you're expected to know so much more about the work and I don't know if I'll remember all the key theorists who have discussed the novel. The positive side is that, even though I've done all this work for it, I'm not committed to doing a question on the special work. It would feel like such a waste to have done all this preparation and then not use it, but if I'm not confident about the question, I'm not going to attempt it and try for something else.

I am a bit nervous, but I'm sure I'll do fine. And even if I don't, there's a possibility of a re-test (not that I'd want to go through all this preparation again!)

Off to the races!

Yeah! I got assigned a section for teaching this summer!

While it would be great to have the summer off, I can't afford it, so this is the next best thing - yeah! It's a course I've never taught before, so I'll have lots of prep to do....after Friday!