It's now something between a month and a biblical forty days since I began this thing, so a retrospective seems in order.

One of my misgivings about beginning this venture was that it was nothing more than an excuse to feed my ego. Is it? I would have to say yes - it's one place where I can say anything I want without being edited. On the other hand, if you look at many of the posts, they're usually similar to something that I'd say to friends over a drink...and yes, I'll admit they're probably more structured than a more verbatim transcript of the kind of thing I'd say over drinks, but that's because a) I have time to not only construct what I say, but edit it before posting, and b) I'm usually cold sober when I post. *grin* ...usually....

So yes, it's egotistical - I was right on that account. Does that mean I'll stop? Nope. It may be self-indulgent and narcissistic, but there are plenty of other activities centered on myself that I could be engaging in...they're just less public. So, the reality wouldn't change, just the appearance.

So then, what about my averred intent to keep in touch with friends who are far away? Well, to that one, I have mixed feelings. On the one hand, I've had friends who have e-mailed or chatted to say congrats on finishing the exam etc., so I know some people are reading. But others, I don't know. Maybe I need to change the format to insert comment boxes, though I'd really rather hear from friends on a more substantial level like an e-mail or a short chat; neither replace the great feeling of sitting down with a good friend face to face, but since I won't be seeing anyone in the near future (at least that I know about, though anyone planning a surprise visit would be welcome), electronic communication is the next best thing. Of course what I'd really love is to see the friend who bought a new car that she's proud of pull up to the coffee shop in it, or see how the friend who lost 5 pounds looks, or even see the expression on a friend's face to attains her own personal milestone that she's been working toward for months, but that's not a possibility. A hug, a touch, a smile, from a friend who's dearly missed would be the sweetest delight right now. But that isn't going to happen, and instead I send bits of energy out in the hopes that they reach the people I want to stay in touch with.

That may sound sappy, but, that's me too, and at times I miss my friends very much. I can't imagine being here without my family...how much more lonely that would be, I just can't fathom.

So, in the end, is this blogging what I expected it to be? Well, no. In my experience, not much that you attempt in your life is ever what you expected it to be, but yes, the effects of the blog and what it has allowed me to do and express has met my expectations. It is a highly versatile medium and my relationship with the activity has ranged from a near sublime, creative expression, to something more akin to my sister's response when I told her about it: "blog? what's that? sounds like something you do after a saturday night out!"...

So, all told, I guess I'll keep plugging along hoping that the people I care about read it, and know that I'm still out there and thinking about them, even when I don't have much to say!