I'm getting very tired of thinking about tests. And that doesn't even include the fact that I have to write papers as well. I'm starting to run out of initiative - not energy, because I'm not particularly tired, but I'm starting to run low on the motivation that urged me to begin this whole adventure, escapade, quest, embarkment, journey, whatever you want to call it, called graduate school. I still would like to follow through and get the doctorate, so I can teach, but I'm starting to wonder whether that just might not be in the cards.

When I first applied to PhD programs, I thought getting admitted would be the hard part. I realize that many people who begin doctoral programs don't complete them, and I realized that there was a possibility I might not complete mine, but I guess I always assumed that if I didn't complete the program, it would be of my own choosing, that I would have decided that I didn't need those extra three letters after my name to do the things I wanted to do. It never occurred to me that someone else might make that decision for me. It never occurred to me that I might not be smart enough to do it, just that I might decide that it wasn't worth what I'd have to do to get there. So the results last week were an incredible shock - I had to contemplate that whether or not I finish the degree might be out of my control. I'm trying not to think about the "if" and think about it as "when" since the former will just erode my confidence and the result of the test will be what it will be regardless of what I might think it will be. Confused by that last sentence? (So am I!)

I'm having to dig pretty deep these days to keep going - my family and the effect this will have on them is one of the biggest motivators - and also my biggest supporters which is good 'cause I have to admit, my confidence has taken a pretty good lickin' in the last week, and right now, I need to dredge up every iota of support for myself that I can find.